hi ,im sorry to hear about your fall,but believe me when i tell you that youve been a real inspiration to me and all of us ! im sure that youll be back in no time! even if 30 days is not 90 days but 30 days is great ! it happens to be that the number 30 is the number that breaks a habit ,dont remember where i saw it, dont worry if you were only 29 going on 30 , 29 is also great!after a fall i find the first 3 days are difficult but once you hit 4 or 5 days the numbers start adding up ,unfortunatly i just had a fall but im getting up and im not letting the yetzer get me down ,that just brings me to more falls .hatzlacha !

Hakol, sorry to hear about your fall. A few points. Maybe start to address the trigger, not the acting out. You wrote very wisely that the real fall was when you allowed the depressed feelings earlier that day spiral out of control. When we recognize our triggers we have to accept responsibility how we react to them. I would love to tell you that you will never feel down again. Unfortunately that is not realistic. But how about writing up a contract with yourself that being that you recognize feeling low as a trigger you accept upon yourself that whenever you feel down you will exercise, call a friend, leave the room and go for a walk, or whatever else works for you. This way you kill the trigger before the urge to act out ever starts. This commitment has helped many chevra retrain themselves to teach their minds and bodies healthy and kosher ways to release stress, relieve boredom and lonesliness, etc, and move away from the old "drug". Secondly, please celebrate your 30 days. They are yours forever. What an incredible accomplishment. So many people wish to taste that level of success. You obviously worked hard to get there. Be proud, shake off the dust and get back on the trail. The mountain with its fresh air and scenic views from on top are waiting for you. 

Thanks so much to everyone that responded to me last night/this morning. It’s been a little rough. Once I fell once, all the accountability of GYE and therapy fell apart because either way I had fell so what difference does it make if I fall one more time. This morning I learnt with my chavrusa and I literally sat there for 3 hours learning while in the back of my mind there was this person that was just waiting for the end of Seder when I would go and fall again, who I gently pushed away. So I fell again.. and hopefully that’s the rock bottom for this relapse.
The person who manages my filter is not around and I really need him to change one thing that will block the way I got my fix over the past day.
He should be back Sunday. Pray for me until then!

Thank you lifebound ieeyc and Hashem help me for the awesome encouragement.

Hhm, it’s funny because since I’ve been working with a therapist I’m aware of the triggers, and even as I was being triggered I was fully aware what was happening, as evident by my first post yesterday. I found it very hard to break out of that mood that was triggering me. It was like tunnel vision, and the trigger was telling me to continue to be triggered and not change something. Maybe that “contract” would help.

The contract will iyh help, but be proud of your honesty and staying focused. Did the filter get fixed?

Yes bh. I fell again last night. The thought of this is your last chance before you’re going to lock up this access was very strong and I gave in, but this morning this guy came back and first thing I got it locked up. 
And imyh now I’m starting to truck again.
Its scary though to use a device that has so much potential for another small doorway to open. Now I truly believe I have blocked every single doorway besides one way I can get very limited access that I don’t know how to block, which bh hasn’t been an issue. But ya know more importantly I have to focus on my emotional health. Because if I’m happy, it’s all good. If I’m not, somehow somewhere I’ll find a doorway to escape.
Which is where the plan for a bad day comes in... still working on it

who is the resident techie around here?
i have a question about blocking up certain access that I’d like to ask someone privately.
i don’t want to post it on the forums and potentially give anyone else any good (bad) ideas

HakolMilimala wrote on 19 Feb 2018 00:21:

You can ask LionKing

Hi hakol feel free to reach out at my Google voice number 7329034789 or email me jakecoulddoit@gmail.com i might be able to help

 Love Yankel 

Markz wrote on 19 Feb 2018 00:29:

Markz, Thanks for the mention. I thought I retired already. 
HakolMilimala, I can try to assist you B"H. You can private chat me or email me at growinghigher613@gmail.com.
Hatzlocha Rabba!

lionking wrote on 19 Feb 2018 02:01:

Techies can only retire tech-nically, and you missed the meeting today with workingguy at the local park bench. You should've been there. It was a heated chat but we were not smoking pot, sorry to disappoint you

Markz wrote on 19 Feb 2018 02:42:

You didn't disappoint me. I am very happy for you. Hopefully it was a productive meeting. 
I really need a major reboot!

The other hakol, sorry to hear about your fall.

Was listening to Dov talk today regarding why we lose steam after x amount of days.

If you think it will be helpful, here is the link http://guardyoureyes.com/GYEFiles/MP3s/Dov/Dov's%20Recovery%20Talks/Why%20do%20I%20start%20off%20strong%20and%20then%20loose%20steam.mp3

Hatzlacha

Thanks that’s an important topic for me.
gonna check that one out

Markz wrote on 19 Feb 2018 02:42:

I was there too (obviously); there were quite a few park benches so there was definitely room for all of us. We spent half the time on the bench and half the time walking, so our meeting wasn’t 12 but maybe a few thousand steps. 

Hakolhevel wrote on 19 Feb 2018 03:19:

Thanks so much. That was a fantastic talk.
I have to confess, I often have a know-it-all attitude and am skeptical what more I can learn,
but just from that one talk from dov I learnt a few great things. Good stuff