Just for clarity sake, you had a sponsor in sa, and he told you to go to pa?I looked back at your posts for several months, and I didn't notice that you went to sa; I might have missed that; my apologies.

Why is going to PA considered a punishment that it will only be used if you fall in the next x amount of time if that might help you go for it

cordnoy wrote on 31 May 2018 10:59:

I never went to either SA or PA or any other 12 step group. The sponsor that i have is someone who i connected to on GYE who has been clean for over a year. 

In regards to ayidel's question PA isn't a punishment i'm sure it's a great group and very helpful to many people, just i'm not sure i need to take such a step just yet, as i did stay clean for 104 days followed by 38 days without it. So it's not about a punishment, it's about can i stay clean without it, and if i can't then i will need to take the next step to recover which is going to live meetings which is a step that will take a lot of courage!

 Love Yankel

I guess the confusing part for me is, why is falling before 15 days the deciding factor that you should join PA? Like you said, you managed to stay clean for an amazing 104 days already. How does staying clean (or not) for 15 days prove anything, one way or the other?

KUTGW! 

Going to meetings takes a lot of courage but its just the joining part of it, ones you walk in the door you will feel so welcomed by the fellow addicts and relies how many people are suffering with you, there is no judgment in these rooms and if you feel you need it, there is no point to hesitate, what realy takes courage is continuing working the program and attend meetings every day, your 104 days are realy impressive but what the program does is not only giving you the tools to stay sober one day at a time, which you may or may not be able to do by yourself, depending on if you are a addict or not, but helps you have the willingness to do it one day at a time and teaches how you can get the kind of life we never knew existed. 

Praying for you and for my self and for all suffering addicts we should have the strength and courage to do the right thing.

 

@cryingforrecovery you are 100% right. I'm sure i'll really gain a lot if i start to go to live meetings and the truth is i really should have joined live meetings a while ago. I really envy the Tzaddikim who are courageous enough to go to live meetings and put in the effort to truly work through the program. and to all those on GYE who have taken that route and put recovery and meetings as  their priority Keep it up! You guys are great!
@ Lifebound you are right being clean for 15 days (on day 14 we are going to renew for another bunch of days) has nothing to do with whether PA is right for me or not. It's just you see i'm a chicken and i'm really chickened out about attending live meetings (which i'm sure would be helpful for me) so by me knowing that if i can't stay clean without attending live meetings i'll have to attend live meetings. it will hopefully push me to really stick to my program of recovery which is chatting with chevra, Filters, Mindfullness, etc. and hopefully give me the push and need to recover that i was missing lately!

  Thanks guys for your input!
 Love Yankel!

iampowerless wrote on 31 May 2018 16:38:


Hmm...so if you don't manage to stay clean, then you will have to suffer a consequence: Go to a live meeting, which is a very uncomfortable thought.
Sounds kind of like a punishment to me, as ayidel said. No?

If PA is not for you, then you don't belong there. Why use it as the consequence?
If PA is for you, then why delay with this whole consequence deal?

(If it makes sense to you and works as a motivator, then great, say the word and I'll stop harping on this )

You are right this whole entire deal was just as a motivation to stay clean. Does it make 100% sense of course not I made the commitment right after a fall so my brain wasn't exactly in "cheshboning" mode it was in "OMG why did you do that mode". Now if this motivation helps me get clean, then great. And i sure hope it does!

Now in truth the motivator that i put is something that's a Win, Win. because it is a consequence but instead of just being a consequence that hurts but doesn't help in the future (kinda like a patch). It's a consequence that will help me grow as i do think i'll grow from joining PA!

So you might ask why am i delaying why don't i just join PA now already if i think i'll grow from it? The answer is because i'm a chicken, but i'm only allowed to be a chicken if i'm being successful in staying clean without it which is what this challenge is about, but if i keep falling even if i'm a chicken i have to beat my fears and join PA for the sake of having a life!

Lifebound the fact that you personally had the courage to go to meetings, Is a greatness on your part and it's something i also WILL NEED TO DO if my current project doesn't work! Keep up your great job!!!

 Love Yankel!

I had a great conversation with another GYE member who has been clean for over a year. And he explained to me that i didn't fall on day 104. My real fall was when instead of writing a few posts a week i started writing only once a week and eventually i only wrote a post per month he explained once i stopped putting recovery and my program front and center once i told myself "I did it"i don't have to be busy with recovery any more. That was the beggining of my downfall. As they say "once a pickle always a pickle"he told me even after so many days clean it's still important to put recovery and your program as priority.

I constantly see many people on GYE who hit 90 days clean but soon there after they fall. And i think the reason is because they forget that they are still addicts and even after reaching 90 days the program always has to be the priority. 

So as i embark on once freeing myself from this terrible addiction i hope to this time around concentrate on not loosing sight of whats at stake and keep to my program of recovery. And hopefully writing more posts and sharing more of my feelings as writing my feelings is one of the tools that really helps me!

So if I'm missing for too long on the forum please wake me up b4 it's too late!

 Love Yankel (a boy who must free himself from this gehenom!)

Hi everyone just wanted to put a short update. 

B'h it has been one week since my terrible, awful, destructive, Stupid, not worth it at all fall (any other words i can put???? to describe the awfulness fall?????) Anyways the 1st few days following the fall were a bit challenging but by practicing mindfulness, being in touch with the chevra, going to the gym, writing on the forum, and listening to some shiurim on the subject. b'h i remained sober.

Looking forward to another clean week. 
 Regards Yankel!

The last few night's were really tough for me. Last night especially i was feeling so lonely and low, but b'h the fact that i attached a consequence to my acting out, prevented me from acting out and b'h i remained clean. And as terrible as i felt last night i thought myself that even when i feel such strong and powerful waves "i could ride those waves as well"
Anyways now at least i'm feeling a bit proud of myself for staying strong despite the terrible mood i was in last night and while i'm still feeling a bit depressed "gam zeh yaavor". So for now i will just be mindful that i'm feeling very lonely and depressed without passing judgment on myself for the fact that i'm feeling this way Accept the fact that i'm feeling this way, and that the feeling's are just feelings. and practice compassion for myself and spoil myself a bit till hashem decides to send better moods and feelings my way. 

 Lots of love Yankel! (who is kinda sad at the moment)

What was the problem that was making you sad?

mzl wrote on 12 Jun 2018 14:24:

Being alone in my basement, feeling kinda lonely as i'm 22 and single and live by myself. Also i just recently broke off with my night seder chavrusa as he is getting engaged so as much as i'm happy for him, it makes me more lonely ETC.......

That sounds pretty tough. I guess it'll get better quickly after you get your new chavrusa though.

Hi everyone, i'm still feeling pretty awful, sad and depressed. it might be withdrawal symptoms or maybe in general it has to do with my circumstance in life now. Regardless i guess once again i have to follow yesterday's route of "just being mindful that i'm feeling very lonely and depressed without passing judgment on myself for the fact that i'm feeling this way Accept the fact that i'm feeling this way, and that the feeling's are just feelings. and practice compassion for myself and spoil myself a bit till hashem decides to send better moods and feelings my way. 

Anyways on a more positive note today is day 14 clean so as agreed i spoke to my partner and extended the agreement for another 15 days until day 30, so once again despite my moods and how i'm feeling right now Escaping to porn and masturbation will bring too much harm. I can't afford to go back to a leading a life of addiction, and emptiness so here we go......#CHALLENGE EXTENDED and as terrible as i'm feeling, my moods will pass. 

 GO YANKEL GO!