Rob,

Thank you for your words of encouragements. I just let my feelings roll after right after I fell. It helped me gain clarity on my situation. In answer to my deliberations yesterday, Hashem was so kind to me and showed me something very interesting.

The prophet Yeshayahu is prophesizing (Isaiah 22:11) about the future destruction of Jerusalem and describes the final attempts by our people to defend the wall around the city from the Babylonian invaders. The prophet goes on that while doing our hishtadlis, we neglected to reach out to Hashem and truly rely on him that our actions shall succeed. As a result, Hashem swore that the people must die for them to reach atonement. If we think about it, the Jewish nation was after hearing bad prophecies many many times in the past that destruction is coming, they tried to repent time and time again but always managed to fall back. Hashem was obviously and explicitly very disappointed and frustrated with them and they knew it very well. Hashem actually told it to them. Furthermore, Hashem's warning was starting to unfold, the Babylonians were here. Given the circumstances, how on earth could they turn to Hashem and truly rely on his help that their actions should be successful??? That is pathetic! They were at war with Hashem's messengers, what does Hashem expect from them? To reach out to him?? Rely on him?? 

It was striking for me to learn that yes, even in the direst situations, when Hashem is obviously on the other side of the game, if I truly recognize that all my actions are in vain without his help, and reach out to him, he will not let me down! No matter how far I've fallen behind. 

יְהוָה עִמָּכֶם, בִּהְיוֹתְכֶם עִמּוֹ, וְאִם-תִּדְרְשֻׁהוּ יִמָּצֵא לָכֶם, וְאִם-תַּעַזְבֻהוּ יַעֲזֹב אֶתְכֶם. 

Cheers to our loving father!

Just fell again. What a shame:( I have been feeling so good the past few days and now I ruined it all. What am I going to do now? I have had lots of progress the last two three weeks, put up a filter, became productive and curved my internet usage in general to a minimum. What Do I do now? First I have to call the filter to block youtube.

LoveU,Hashem wrote on 15 Nov 2017 03:23:

Have you listened to dov at all
guardyoureyes.com/kosher-isle/shiurim/category/dov-s-recovery-talks/4

LoveU,Hashem wrote on 15 Nov 2017 03:23:

You're asking what do I do now. It may help to understand what happened leading up to the fall. Were you doing great one day and suddenly fell the next? Or were you slipping a little each day and telling yourself that you're still okay? 

LoveU,Hashem wrote on 15 Nov 2017 03:23:

I appreciate your frustration, but you only ruined the momentum to reach 90 days. As long as you don't regret the hard work you put in, you have not ruined it all that hard work, and it will stand you in good stead for the war you are waging. 

Tried to PM to you but for some reason they dont recognize your user name. Please call.

Thank you Rob, Hashem help me, heemircha for the chizuk. I was actually not slipping the last few days, I was busy over my head bh. What lead to fall was a triggering picture on a newspaper I get at home, and then the fact that I was in the office alone late at night. I fell through you tube (even though it was supposed to be blocked). What I've learned so far is that a fall that leas me to learn from it and reignites my will to stay clean can actually be more of a good thing than a bad one. 
Today I called the filter company to block Youtube altogether so I spare myself another fall through that venue. I added to my taphsic that I will pay a knas if I use the internet for my personal use when coming back to the office at night. That helps me stay focused on what I initially came for and don't get distracted which will lead me to triggers and falls. 
So after patching up my model all I got to do is move on. That's right. Carry on. 

Still, I don't feel like Hashem's has my back. I had let him down, so how can I count on him?? This is a painful realization to deal with. But Yitzchok, why am I trying to be even with him? Why can't I accept his care without feeling that I have to deserve it?  I never will and it ultimately won't matter.  Even our father Avraham didn't deserve God's care, it was all pure chesed. All Eliezer asked was for chesed וַֽעֲשֵׂה־חֶ֕סֶד עִ֖ם אֲדֹנִ֥י אַבְרָהָֽם.  All I need is to be looking out and waiting for his care. 
הִנֵּה עֵין יְהוָה, אֶל-יְרֵאָיו לַמְיַחֲלִים לְחַסְדּוֹ.

And in any case, if I would truly mean it then I wouldn't have fallen to begin with. It is just the yetzer and my perfectionism that wants to bring me down. I just have to look up to my dear father, accept his control over my life, and carry on!

Love you guys!!
Yitzchok

And before I forget, I have to embrace the fact that I am not perfect. Not only am I not perfect right now, but I can never be perfect. This realization is so against my inherent intuition but is true. I feel that if I can really accept my imperfection and vulnerability, I would be more open to small changes. Trying to be perfect is an all or nothing approach. A loss-loss situation for me and my dear God. Small and gradual changes are the way to go for me, I just have to accept this true but so uncomfortable realization that I am severely limited.

Your post was gadlus. Such honesty and clarity of the issues, and determination to make it work. However, Hashem does "have your back". He loves you with a love you and I cannot comprehend. He also sees our pnimiyus which is a good that cannot become tainted. This weeks parsha, "Vayorech es reiach begadav"  on which chazal say, "al tikri begadav ella bogdav". Yitzchok smelled the sweet scent of the reshaim, for tzaddikim can access the true pnimiyus even of reshaim. People on GYE are special - these are the people working on themselves. They are displaying their pnimiyus of good for all to see. One need not be a tzaddik like Yitzchok to correctly size up how good you are Mr  Love You, Hashem.

Thank you, rabbi, for your kind words!

By now I don't know what is more destructive, my HUGE ego or my ENDLESS perfectionsim.. 

Too bad I have to deal with both of them..

LoveU,Hashem wrote on 16 Nov 2017 23:04:

As I'm perfect, I only need to deal with my ego.

​​​​

cordnoy wrote on 16 Nov 2017 23:14:

I'm a nobody, Since nobody is perfect, that makes me perfect.

OMG!! I fell again. I feel like a piece of sh*t. I wasted over 4 hours! I am overloaded with work and I wasted 4 hours!! Why????????????? Why??? Why am I such a loser? I had a taphsic that I will have to pay now of 50$$$$! What do I do? Its the second time I fall on my taphsic! My system has suffered serious cracks. Its been so good fro the past 2 months. So productive, fell so good with myself. Now? I fell like a waste of time. What do I do?? 

I had a system where I don't use the internet before  

Markz wrote on 29 Sep 2017 02:01:

welcome luv u Hashem , i hope your getting better from day to day  since you joined gye, im sure you are, i just hope YOU  feel you are,i enjoy youre posts ,keep them coming,i just want to remind you of your avatar ,it gives me chizuk.
or fall fall fall ,succeed ,repeat!
markz did you ever try taphsic, what went wrong,im really trying to get the guts up to do a taphsic,i think the reason i dont is because i know how well  itll work  that i know ill have to give up my  medication, but ill get there , after i break my bones from a couple of more falls(i hope ill do it beforei reach that point)