Hi All,
i recently joined and started my 90 day chart. But the one thing that keeps on getting me down is the feeling that  I am a lost soul. How can i repent for all that I have seen? for all the seed that I Have spilled? this is my yetzer horahs greatest tool. While I know is not true its hard to feel a connection to teshuva when I feel like i can fast the rest of my days and it still wont be enough! Any tips how or practical ideas would be appreciated.

P.S. any reading recommendations? 

Yes start with the GYE hanbook

I also recommend the white book of SA and the big book of AA

butternut wrote on 03 Jul 2017 20:50:

Please don't bash yourself or else you'll be enjoyed in...

Oh, you wanted to read something??
guardyoureyes.com/forum/23-Just-Having-Fun/213541-Re-Shabbos-Seudos-in-the-Lizhensker-Shteeble#213541

Hashem put us in a world that just to walk around the block we are exposed to more lustful sights than many people saw over years in the shtatle. Not to mention the high-tech world and social media.
The Ari Hakodeshzt"l said that before mashiach times every little action of good will be multiplied because of the difficulty of the times.
These facts do not take away the fact that what you/we did was wrong/sinful/dirty... BUT it does lessen to some degree the severity of the actions.
Yes, teshuva must be addressed.  I am sure your fear and frustration is due in part to the fact that you have done teshuva multiple times and here you are again with mud on your face.

Listen my good man. 

Ask Hashem to help you and start learning how to live properly. 
{Until then your mind is too cloudy and full of many intense emotions competing for your attention}
Take your feelings of distance from Hashem and need to come to do teshuva and put them in a beautiful box and put in on the shelf.
Then, at a time that is right, you will take down that box. By then you will have days of sobriety/recovery in your hand. You will have helped others - by supporting them and celebrating their successes with them. Therefore- you will have a chelek in their sobriety as well.
Life will be so sweet then - you will approach Hashem as a truly reborn  person in recovery
Teshuva will then come out of gratitude to Hashem and love for him will naturally pour forth.

Don't let the NEED to do teshuva right this second hold you back fromwhat you need to do for recovery

Just my take

The Shmiras Ainayim Chizuk List - #1308

Getting Up Seven TimesBy GYE

Among the collected letters of Rav Yitzchok Hutner, zt"l, is one that was written to a talmid whose own, earlier, letter to the Rosh Yeshiva had apparently evidenced the student's despondence over his personal spiritual failures. The Rosh Yeshiva's response provides nourishing food for thought.  Citing the saying that one can "lose battles but win wars," Rav Hutner explains that what makes life meaningful is not beatific basking in the exclusive company of one's yetzer tov but rather the dynamic struggle of one's battle with the yetzer hora.  Shlomo Hamelech's maxim that "Seven times does the righteous one fall and get up" (Mishlei, 24:16), continues Rav Hutner, does not mean that "even after falling seven times, the righteous one manages to gets up again." What it really means, he explains, is that it is only and precisely through repeated falls that a person truly achieves righteousness. The struggles - even the failures - are inherent elements of what can, with determination and perseverance, become an ultimate victory.

Read this guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/how-to-do-teshuva-without-killing-yourself?category_id=150

Happyjew04

FANTASTIC thank you    

Thank you its great!

butternut wrote on 03 Jul 2017 20:50:


Please see pasted inspiration below.
Welcome to GYE!!


Mahogany Man

A Moment with Rabbi Avigdor Miller Z"L #103

QUESTION:
Shouldn't proper Teshuva erase the wrong impressions on one's mind?

ANSWER:
I have to tell you what the Kuzari says someplace else,
he says you'll never erase.
You can never erase any impression on your mind.
And even if you'll repent, he said,
you heard, let's say, love songs in your youth, and now you have outgrown these things; you ridicule it. You cannot erase them from your mind,
that's what he says.

However, a note of consolation which he doesn't say, but we'll add it anyhow.
Let's say somebody was given a mahogany table,
and he didn't realize the value of this piece of furniture,
and he was careless, and he even allowed it to be scratched.
Now, a deep scratch in mahogany you cannot undo.
You can't take off that deep scratch.
A shallow scratch you can varnish over, a deep scratch is going to be there.

So even though you'll varnish it and it will glisten more than before,
you'll take it to a master furniture craftsman,
but a deep scratch, there'll always be a depression in the wood, you can't change it.

What can you do?
If you'll be prosperous enough to buy an expensive gold plate that will cover the entire table,
then it becomes a more beautiful object than before,
and the scratch you won't notice.

It's there however, that depression is still there.

So you do Teshuva,
you're covering with gold the surface that had been marred.
Of course it would have been better if he had never marred the surface,
but if you overlay it with gold, it's like the Shulchan.
The Shulchan was made of expensive wood but on top of the wood it was a covering of gold.

So that's what a Baal Teshuva is,
he's covered with gold and he is better than he was before.
He is better than an ordinary mahogany man.
A mahogany Jew, just an ordinary Frum Jew who never did any big sins,
but he didn't overlay it with gold!
A Baal Teshuva overlaid it with gold, he's more precious.


(chizuk email 1074)

I once in one of the shiurim on GYE that we should not concentrate on Teshuva for the past, we should look forward and be positive that we will manage this in the future.

Thank you for that getthere. I was saying that in my post on July 03. 

I just added the idea - that a person who feels almost paralyzed by the idea of teshuva- can say I will do Teshuva - I just need the right time for the right teshuva. 
By having in mind that Teshuva will indeed be tackled in the future, perhaps now he can get on with the business of recovery.

Welcome butternut. As you see from all the responses many people want to help you here. Have much hatzlocha.

If you are put into an identical situation to one where you committed a sin, but this time you do not commit the sin, then that is Teshuva.

Hashem forgives sins of the past if we do Teshuva.