Bigmoish wrote on 03 Jul 2017 16:23:

If he stays on GYE and stays connected to the experienced fellows and hooks up with the right people, his wife will iyh have a husband who comes into marriage with more preparation than most chassanim. He will have a thorough understanding of himself and of his agendas. He will have an appreciation for what real intimacy is and what it is not, and he will hopefully have gotten to the point that women will be viewed as receivers of his potential giving and not as pleasure objects.

I have now an urge to check up on my search bar on my iPhone a specific women, (my iPhone has a filter so currently I'm not able and don't want to fall) and here is where it all starts, I just search the name and a picture shows up although not a bad one but as the gemora says that even by calling rochov by her name, it leads that person to kery, with the condition that makira, so by me it will not lead to kery but it will start my engine.... so I decided, that my phone is on 4% and I'll let it die, and tomorrow I'll charge my phone, in the time that I have now gained myself I'll do some soul searching and try to find out what inside me triggered me to this which I haven't had this past 2 and a half weeks.



a good night chevrah and stay clean (a silent prayer for ani hakoton )

Michael94 wrote on 10 Jul 2017 03:17:

Brother

Would you drink 99% filtered water
and 1% spiked, but it's fine because the rabbi said it's batel beshishim??

Jinx I just wrote my post and it just wasn't posted  ill reright and let me see if I don't get burned out 

bh today i was busy with chavrusas and work so wasn't able to post anything earlier (wooho, busy so my mind was lust free)

Bh yesterday I didn't search...
i checked into yesterday urge and this is what I came up with,
sometime last week I felt some weird (merely lusty) thoughts creeping up so I prayed to g-d that I'm powerless to the power of lust so take it away, and I realized that i was tired (the previous night I didn't have a good night sleep) so I told my lust that he isn't playing fair game please come back tomorrow, well he listened and a little to well since the next day he wasn't around yay, ahhh he's waiting for the next round and it came sooner then I thought, on shabbos i was extremely tired and in shabbos morning a really immoral scenes from the past started creeping up, so I prayed to g-d and bh it was away, now last night I felt a strong urge which normally leaves me powerless and eventually leads to watching p (and although last night I wasn't especially tired and I have been eating well and a had a full on schedule for the next day) but with the tools of guy (and especially the tool of posting here before I start slipping) i told myself hold it and lets take a closer look at the problem so a came up with 3 trouble makers 1) the thought of shabbos morning, normally even when i push away the thought it subconsciously the damage was done and in the day or a day later it will creep up again and I'll fall so this time I prayed to g-d 2) I encountered someone that irritates me (so I dealt with that yesterday and it helped to ease the struggle) which I think that it was a main factor for my struggle 3) that the struggle normally brings in a lot of energy although negative energy and as time passes I don't think that there's anything that can counter the level of high energy that it brings in (while watching there's tons of energy, the resentment, the enjoyment, after the act their is the feeling of getting back to normal life and how each day is so refreshing how u are free from the shmutz) and I channeled the energy in searching for the source for my lust.

So if anyone can give advice for number 3 it will be greatly appreciated.

i also learned a shtikel chovas halvovas (shaar bitochen perek 4 in the pirush chailek horishon) and what he says gave another tool to deal with in my nisayon, he says that when a person kills himself there's a two fold problem 1 the actual sin 2 the fact that he destroyed his midah of mercy since the closer a person is to u the more mercy u have for him how much more so should this be when it's oneself and therefore the punishment is greater , Now to my nisayon in addition to the fact that by me watching p** and m** I become brain dead and I can't give a straight answer for the next 2/3 days I'm also destroying my mida of mercy, this point is true on many levels.
this gave me chizuk, but it's good before someone falls, after someone falls it ain worth it to beat urself.

sorry for the lengthy post but why should we let our thoughts loose somewhere else, let them loose in guy 

Hashem help me, i see u writing that we are the ones that will bring moshiach.
i had and still have somewhat of a nagging thought that what will happen when moshiach come and see us with our pants down  but as u put it it's our fighting this struggle which is our generations nisayon that will usher him in, which gives me chizuk, but I still don't fully understand the extant of this idea.
so if u can elaborate on this idea I'll be grateful.
thanks in advance.

And to clarify that this is not a theoretical question rather a one which has to do with our fundamental belief, and therefore in the past it has costed me and added to my addiction which in a way i was saying that anyway I'm a lost case, just look at it that when moshiach will come ull have all those pious jews and ull have all those which couldn't even make through the door step.

Many great people from our generation have stated that this nisayon is the final one before Moshiach. Seforim from hundreds of years ago describe our generation, and state that "in acharis ha-yomim, out of desperation to destroy klal Yisroel, the satan will take out all his tools of impurity and attack our people with them." We at GYE are rising to the challenge and not giving up. Even when we have a fall, we don't despair and keep on going. This struggle is a form of gog umagog in each one of us. Like the salmon swimming upstream, we are going completely against the very strong current of immorality which has become completely acceptable/normal by society, and even government. Our mesiras nefesh as a tzibur and as yechidim is bringing Moshiach.

I read last week from the bialle rebbe on parshas Korach that our tikkun in this generation which is the last generation before Mashiach is unity.
Yes the satan is fighting his last fight, but he doesnt need to work very hard, society is doing all the hard work for him.
My understanding is that Mashiach will come when all the babies that we need to bring down to the world are born.
My personal torah is that mashiach is delayed because there are still holy brothers and sisters who dont know what Shabbos is yet and Hashem wants as many people to feel shabbos as possible.
Do i think i am bringing mashiach by staying sober? No i dont... Do i have more of a chance of meeting him when he comes? Yes hopefully.. I want to meet him. But its not why im doing it.

I can totally relate to the nekuda of mesiras nefesh which this struggle entails.

Well why do I want to be sober, it is in onder to continue with life (in order to live with today and all what today has in store for me), why does a ill man want become cured, it's in order to continue functioning in life, no? 

But somewhere deep down we know that all this (the nisayon of shmutz) has what to do with our mission on this earth and how this nisayon accieve just that.

It has been said we are the generation of people for whom Tikkun of our souls has failed in all previous gilgulim, because we were the most depraved.
So our challenge is Tikkun of our souls.

Chazal say one is reincarnated to rectify a certain few sins or one sin...the one we have a prediliction for.
In our case it is lust....our mission is clear!

ColinColin wrote on 14 Jul 2017 03:19:

Now now, you know how our program works.

One Gilgul At a Time

Welcome, michael. We haven't formally met. We might never. Probably only through this forum. But KOMT!

Now for KOMT, 
how can I channel the enormous amount of energy I used to have in my actions off viewing p* and m*? 
And living a sober life will not satisfy me, that only helps for the first month or 2 maybe 3 when I still have vivid memories from the pain and anguish I endured but when that fades off, my body my thoughts are searching for that adrenaline spike, any advice guy?

a good shabbos folks, and stay clean, one thing for sure only for one clean shabbos dayaimu! 

Michael94 wrote on 14 Jul 2017 15:46:

This is not my experience
life is very much more exciting
my suggestion is to get to a life of sobriety
and then work it out
shabbat shalom 

Very true, life is very much more exciting, and bh my life has lots of what to offer.

but there's a great amount of intensity and energy which viewing p* and m* and the self abused brings along with it, when I withdraw from those acts it creates a void which needs (i could be wrong) to be replaced, no? 

Maybe that's the idea of helping others that struggle with the same nisayon, doing so it channels the same energy in a positive way.

no, I'm not looking for the guilt feeling, I'm not looking for the self abused feeling, what I'm searching for is to replace the negative energy that it brought along with it, that it shouldn't create the void which heaven forbid can lead me back to those same acts.



thanks in advance for ur reply.

In my experience there is an essential difference between sobriety and recovery. Sobriety is not acting out, not masturbating, but recovery is a whole different world. A world of growing in a positive direction which does include helping people but in my experienced if i am not recovered, i cant help somebody recover. I first need to recover myself which for me includes getting rid of those character defects like fear and resentment. 

Its a whole different ball game. No more white knuckling. Actual living. Real living. Honest living.