boll6214 wrote on 30 May 2017 03:15:
I grew up in a secular Jewish family where there was a lot of verbal and emotional abuse. Even at a young age, maybe 7 or 8, I remember feeling lonely, afraid, and depressed. I was especially scared to go to sleep at night and would indulge in fantasies to soothe myself. These fantasies started very innocently: I imagined myself as a dashing knight saving beautiful maidens from the clutches of evil men. By the age of 12, the fantasies became overtly sexual, and I started to spill seed. I had no idea that spilling seed was spiritually harmful. For me, it was a wonderful, relaxing escape. This habit of soothing myself with sexual thoughts and fantasies in order to escape anxiety and intense self-loathing continues to this very day. I became frum about 10 years ago. I love keeping kosher, shabbos, davening, learning, etc., but I have not been able to stop spilling seed, even though I have excellent filters on my computer and phone and do not watch porn. I am now 43 years old. I am overwhelmed with anger, despair, and horror at my utter inability to stop spilling seed. I cannot refrain for more than two weeks. Tension builds up: I have constant thoughts and fantasies during the day, though bedtime is the most intense. Even if I refrain from spilling seed, I have very graphic dreams. Going to the mikveh and doing chitas are very helpful, but I inevitably succumb to my lust addiction. How many demons have I created? I've killed some of them through Tachanun, fasting, saying the bedtime sh'ma, etc. But can I really do teshuva for what I've done? I would estimate that I've spilled seed 10,000 times in my life. I want to replace the pleasure I feel from sexual thoughts with spiritual pleasure--the pleasure of being close to Hashem. I want the pleasure of understanding His Torah in ever more profound ways. But I am blocked by kelipah. The Yetzer Hara's grip is firm. I feel resigned to gehenom. Some days I feel so disconnected from Hashem that I can't get myself to daven, open up a sefer, or put on tefillin. Is my life a pathetic, absurd joke? Well, at least I canceled my Netflix subscription. No matter what you watch, there are too many sexy women. To end on a positive note, I've never cheated on my wife. My addiction is restricted to thoughts, fantasies, and spilling seed. In sum, this lust addiction soothes my anxiety, depression, and self-hatred, albeit temporarily. Yet I can also truly feel that I am distant from Hashem. This is the greatest misery. Will Hashem help me, even though I don't deserve it?
Hi there.
I identify with many parts of your story, we are of similar age, from similar backgrounds and I was a chronic masturbator from before the age of 10. It sounds like you understand a lot about yourself. Alongside reading a lot in this forum I would suggest you check out the daily call with Duvid Chaim. You don't have to call yourself an addict of the classic sense, since it seems your problem has not progressed past where it always was, however you do need tools to learn how to deal with the self hate (pity) depression and anxiety which you may get some insights from these calls.
I would also go easy on yourself with all the gehennom stuff... you had 33 years with no gehenom in your life, you need to give yourself time to mature and gain ahold of your emotions. Hashem isn't judging you on what you now know, he is judging you on who you are as a complete person, and believe me He not only loves you dearly, He knows exactly where you came from and what you have been through.
Much Hatzlocha!
