Day 2
Yesterday was hard. Was feeling lethargic and a little feverish. Day past by in a blur. Praying for a better day today.

Day 3
Tough night last night. Woke up every 2 hours very aroused. Wanted to give in and just masturbate. B"H was successful.
Still not feeling well. 
Good Shabbos everyone!

Day 0
Fell last night twice. Once I just masturbated mostly out of habit while stuck in the bathroom with a stomach ache and then got too aroused and started searching arousing material. Most links were blocked. I managed to find some content to read and masturbate again.

It really started with being lightheaded and dizzy Shabbos afternoon and feeling empty. Watched some clips to fill time and saw some woman not dressed appropriately. Wàs lusting all day and wasn't careful with my eyes on the street. 

This medicine is really messing up with my hormones, it is so hard to feel down and lethargic. I function better when I feel productive.

I need help in strengthening my resolve and in learning how to overcome a challenge. Generally when I get very aroused I masturbate, either right away or within 2-3 days. Not sure how urge surfing works. It only works by me when it is a small urge.

Welcome back buddy.

lionking wrote on 02 Jan 2023 10:54:

I also found, as you mentioned, Illness can sometimes cause a weaker resolve, plus in our search for "kosher" entertainment we find many things. Probably next time I'm sick, I'll stick to audio stuff only,.less likely to find inappropriate stuff there.

On a related note. For those of us who have been doing this for a while, there are a endless amount of triggers that can lead to acting out.

Illness, stress, success, depressed, feeling good, feeling bad, bored, to busy. The list can go on and on.

SO what do we do? We have built to many neural pathways that lead to the same place?

Ok day today. First time in a really long while that I had headaches from fasting.
Semi productive.

Don’t have much eitza, but great to see you. I look up to you and may you have hatzlocha bekarov.

YeshivaGuy

B"H doing ok. Did lust a little today and wasn't so careful where my eyes wandered on the street. Need to refocus.I was going to post more regularly. I have issues with commitment. Perhaps I need to work on that as well.

I slipped last night. I haven't gone on to YouTube in years. Went last night to check something "kosher" and quickly slipped in to searching inappropriate content. (ATTN: Accountability partner - please don't review the screenshots, I don't want to be you machshil. Thanks)

It is scary to know how much actual nudity and porn is available on YouTube. B"H I stopped without watching the really bad clips, but the thumbnail images were bad enough.

I need extra shmira the next few days since my lust level is heightened now.

In other news, (highly related) I am not in the best situation now. I keep on not feeling well and I am not in the best state of mind because of it. Feeling physically run down causes me to be emotionally run down as well, which leads me to try to placate myself with my drug of choice.

In better news, Unfortunately I constantly am able to get access if I really wanted (unless perhaps I am alone on the Sahara desert!), however last week I had a couple of times an extra opportunity to access porn without fear of anyone knowing or finding out, and B"H I didn't even have a struggle to look.
B"H I haven't accessed real porn in ages, I still struggle with fantasies, looking on the street, looking at shopping site models, reading inappropriate content, and masturbation, but visual content has been greatly reduced until last night.
I am working on the above and with Hashem's help I will IY"H succeed.

I'm back to my old thread. I fell last night. Late nights are a killer for me. I need to implement a normal bedtime and hold myself accountable to it.



I had unmonitored access and looked at some thumbnail search images. My network blocked the actual sites but I still was able to see arousing content for a few minutes. Then I struggled with wanting to masturbate for a while. I finally did in the wee hours of the morning. I need to be extra vigilant now. I'm already struggling with wanting to masturbate again. I need to make sure this is a one off, instead of a couple of days binge.



Thinking of implementing a bedtime accountability. I want to treat myself if I'm in bed before 12am every night except Friday night and Motzei Shabbos for the next 30 days. Anyone want to join?



I want to be more accountable but I struggle with reaching out. To all my friends out here, please don't let me go AWOL.



Thank you!

Always keep in mind, that the fact you struggled for so long is a success in and of itself.

Hatzlacha!

Been struggling for 20+ years, before my bar mitzvah even. Not sure if that is considered a success. It definitely isn't in my opinion.

Yes, I've come a long way. But I still keep doing things that are wrong every once in a while after so many years. I cannot get my brain rewired that these behaviors are off limits even if I am aroused, overtired, overwhelmed, stressed, fill in the blanks, etc...

lionking wrote on 31 May 2023 12:58:

Nice to see you again lionking(Iy’H in the future should be from a place of having this behind you-if that ever happens to guys like us..) With the going to sleep issue,I found that for myself the most successful thing was having a chavrusa early in the morning.
I don’t know if your schedule allows for that, but it’s highly recommended. Specifically with a chavrusa who will rely on you.
Most large communities have great early morning chaburah options (think Kollel our Shmuel and the like). 

Hatzlacha 

lionking wrote on 31 May 2023 13:37:

My friend, of course that's success! The fact that you've been struggling for years, hey, that's the human condition to a certain extent. And you yourself admit that you've come a long way, so what's the question, of course that's success! Keep on trucking, my holy friend!

i-man wrote on 31 May 2023 16:27:

Kollel our Shmuel - huge shoutout!!!!