lionking wrote on 11 Oct 2019 08:27:

Recently I went through a few days that were rough - specifically at bedtime. I was afraid to go into bed, knowing that the fantasizing would start immediately and I would not be able to sleep. Next would start the touching....  I took a biography of a tzaddik into bed with me. Reading about so much gemilas chessed and dveikus b'Hashem, coupled with numerous pictures did the trick. I hope you find some workable strategy too.

I don't like writing these updates, but I need to have it as a record.
I fell last night/this morning.

I became too complacent in my recovery. Going for the last few months with open internet, and feeling pretty safe thinking I have this down pat, and only using the internet for what is necessary. No news, entertainment, etc... 

Was in a downright rodden mood yesterday and slipped on some partial nude pictures on a picture sharing site. Instead of catching myself, I let the lust build up and hours later in the middle of the night, I looked at some porn and masturbated. Woke up this morning so aroused it was literally ready to come out, I ended up spilling seed again with a quick rub of my blanket. 

Felt so terrible afterwards. Embrassed that I couldn't withstand this test. I have withstood stronger ones in the past. Really feel like a piece of trash.
BH I am feeling Charatah and not yiush. They are very close, however one propels you to strengthen yourself and start again stronger, while the other one gets a person to throw in the towel and give up.

I am not giving up. Will try to post a little more updates through my journey going forward.

I will with Hashems help continue.

Hi lionking
Not sure if we've chatted, but wanted to say hi!
Just had a quick glance over some of your thread, you seem like a great guy.

Although your count may go back to 0, this fall does not mean you are back to square one, far from it. You've grown a lot on your path to sanity, and this is a minor setback, a wrong turn, but you have made it so far along the journey, you just need to get headed back in the right direction. Make the most of this setback by working out what you need to change, and then continue where you left off. 

Looking forward to seeing you grow more!
Looking_to_improve

Growing pains...kutgw holy brother

i-man wrote on 07 Oct 2020 02:17:

It's not growing pains. It was negligence that let to this. Next few weeks will be growing pains...
B"H I'm in a much better place than a few years ago. With Hashem's help I will continue growing.

Thanks

Hashem Help Me wrote on 06 Oct 2019 02:58:

One year ago and it’s still, so true.
Keep going brother, just read through some of ur thread.
Big chizzuk. Your honesty inspires me to be honest with myself during my own tekufa...
Thank you and Hatzlocha!

lionking wrote on 07 Oct 2020 03:13:

That's growing pains, learning what works and what doesn't, the hard way.


Yup that's for sure but be careful not to identify as one.


You defined them perfectly the only issue I have with this is that I am only able to tell the difference in hindsight, and then it's too late. We are all different but for me dwelling on the trash feeling too long is just too risky. Feeling awful can be a strong motivator but shouldn't be the only one. I am sure you can think of a couple positive reasons for motivation as well.

All the best.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 07 Oct 2020 03:22:


Actually I'm anything but honest. The only reason I felt compelled to post was in order to set some sort of closure. I fell back in May as well, when the cronavirus inspiration wore off, but didn't report it then and had about a month of slips and falls, before I was able to snap out of that trance.
I didn't want that happening now again.
You are a major inspiration to me.
[quote="wilnevergiveup" post=355848 date=1602047622 catid=19]
lionking wrote on 07 Oct 2020 03:13:


Thanks. I'm back in a positive mood. It is zman simchuseini after all!

Falling twice a year is pretty solid progress. And hiding from a fall doesn't make you dishonest, it makes you human. Keep the positive mood, with a dash of charatah and good type of shame, and your on the path up.

Hey LionKing.  I dont post as much as I use to.  But I do try to read everyone else post.  I just wanted to tell you that I've really appreciated your posts over the past few years.  They are laced with honesty and wisdom.  It take tremendous courage to write that post as you did.  I happy to hear that you are in a better place.  As other have noted, this is just a small bump in your incredible journey.  Keep on inspiring us. 

Hi lion king, I'm not going to take a cheerleading stance here. For some people it's helpful for others not so much, don't know which type you fall into.

I do want to get into the actual fall itself. What you described is many times what happens to me, it happens so fast, within a couple of hours it's all over. To me just restricting internet wouldnt be the answer, because if I have that desire, I will find a way, so what else are you going to do?

I'm not jut asking of you, I am also asking of myself.

P.s I do btw agree with evryone that youre a great guy

Hakolhevel wrote on 08 Oct 2020 14:42:


Thanks Hakolhevel. I am not the type that goes for cheerleading, but I appreciate the offer.




I'm in the same boat. Restrictions are only helpful as a reminder. In general they are not helpful at all. What has worked for me in the past is trying to build up my bitochon and recalibrate what does Hashem want from me constantly. B"H, I have grown tremendously in this aspect and also learnt how to de-stress myself.

As Markz has repeatedly told me, My life is insane. I work crazy long hours and barely scrape by the end of the month with maxed out credit cards.

I just came from an intense week of 12 - 18 hours work each day, not including travel times. Plus I have ton of work Chol Hamoed this year, which I'm trying to do at home.

I try to accept my challenge with simcha. Unfortunately I allowed negative emotions get to me. I don't have a plan going forward accept to try to continue to do what has worked and pray for more success in the future.

May we all be zoche to a git kvittal and a git yur.

I owe General Grant an update. He came through on my challenge, So I need to fulfill my side of the challenge.I've been on GYE for ages and I'm still struggling. I think I will struggle all my life with some aspects of this challenge. אדם לעמל יולד.

I don't consider myself an addict, I think I only act out when stressed or feeling down about something. At a young age I was introduced to sex by a classmate and I got used to acting out as an escape from reality.

Over the years, I've been in contact with a lot of great people here. A special call-out to Markz who got me to make that first phone call. Unfortunately I am by nature a loner and have fallen out of touch with a lot of you guys. I thank one specific person for keeping me in touch and reminding me when I fall out of contact. (You know who you are...)

My biggest issue which bothers me, is the fact that I don't have a repulsion to porn. I got too used to it that it doesn't awaken in me a feeling of disgust. It doesn't really affect my life either. It is hard for me to hit my rock bottom.

I'm working on resolving the underlying factors so that I shouldn't need to hit rock bottom. One of the biggest things that has helped me in the past was working on my emunah that Hashem leads my life and everything He does is for the best. I need to step back and let Hashem drive.

As some of you are aware, I'm a tech geek. Filters haven't helped me in the past. When I'm in a healthy place, it doesn't cross my mind to search for anything arousing even with full access. However, when I'm not doing well, then even a filtered flip phone is a problem.

I have taken on myself BL"N to try to not go on to youtube or social media, and to refrain in general from random browsing. BH I'm enough busy at work that I usually don't have time for it anyways. But that is also part of the problem. I'm not so good at having a proper work\life balance and can get stressed out from the stresses of the job, and then I seek to escape.
There was a period of time (for approx. 2 years) that I used to watch videos or RV episodes, which the theme was somewhat kosher, but the actors weren't the most tzinusdik. I've written about the challenge here on GYE in the past. BH I'm mostly weaned off it, except for one show which I don't know if I will be to withstand not watching it when the new series comes out. (BH it is delayed due to covid). I give credit to anyone who can withstand this challenge after watching a series.

Wishing everyone a happy Chanukah and may we all be zoche to see the light and allow it to shine in us and our homes.

Thanks for the update! It seems like many of us ( including myself) stop updating our own threads once we either are - very successful, or we get tired of documenting all the ups and downs.

Day zero.

The last 2 weeks have been an extreme downward spiral. Specifically last week was bad. I was constantly searching for erotic content which wasn't getting filtered out and masturbating multiple times. You'd be surprised how creative the yetzer harsh can be in finding semi erotic content. Even though I could've bypassed the filter, I still tried searching for semi nude content instead of actual porn. I don't know why I kept on doing that. Is it because I'm disgusted with porn? I don't think so. Perhaps it is part of the acting out experience to increase arousal by the searching itself? I'm not sure.

I think I might know what started it, but it is a private matter which I don't feel comfortable sharing on a public forum. 

I feel like I'm back to square one where I was a few years ago, masturbating sometimes more than once a day, and sometimes letting a few days pass without any stimulation. It is not a place I want to be, but I'm not motivated enough or fed up with guilt to effect any change.

I'm going to try to post a daily update to keep an accountability log. 
Please do not post any chizuk, I don't want that now. I need some good scary stories to jog me back to normal. Something that would stay on my mind the next time I get an urge to masturbate, so I post the urge, rather than act on it.

Thanks for allowing me to share.