Welcome to GYE. May it be a start on the path of well being for you. 

Wow, what a post. Props to you on putting in the time & effort for your very personal post. You can definitely grow tremendously (as you pointed out, you already have) on this site. The strength you can gain from being a part of this site is phenomenal. The יצר הרע will try to convince you that you failed every time you fall. I'd like to propose that your ירידה was by itself an עלייה. Since you've become hooked to porn, have you managed to stay clean for 2 weeks, from porn & everything else, or is this the first time in years? If it is the first time in years that you've succeeded like this, the ירידה simply defined how much you grew.
 sleep is calling me, thanks for the חיזוק!

Welcome, brother!

Growing up, I thought it was always I who was the sick one, the one who wanted to play around with my friends, the one who had all the disgusting desires. Your story grants me a slight nechama that it probably wasn't just me. But BH I thought it was and therefore never pursued anything with my old friends. Would have been disastrous.

Welcome to the site! Digest as you please. But please don't digress and disappear before you're cured.

B"H I passed my first day, from my new cycle, and today only, I will be on top of my soul, I'm not interested what it will happen in tomorrow or in 2 weeks, or 2 months... and the today is not that long, just a few hours, and Hashem, please stay on my 2 sides, please don't let me down, I'm doing it ONLY for you.
My YH is trying to bring me down about my last fall, but I'm not going to let this happen...
I will stay strong with all the Chizuk and Support of our GYE members.
Thanks you all

wow what a post i got lots of chizuk and had tears in my eyes for you 
you don't have to look at yourself as low low low and tameh 
there is no shalah that hashem intended this nisayon for us to overcome the steps you are taking 
and everyone at gye is tremendous kvod shomayim why hashem wanted it this way is none of our business until moshiach comes you obviously are a choshuve chassideshe yingerman the fact that you have big struggles is not nogea to that
imagine a yid wants to teshuva for 30 years azelecha gaguim today is your day now is your time yesh koneh olomo b'shaa achas this is true for all yidden especially for those who all ready made it here 
in one of my falls i bumped into 2 yidden on twitter and there are many more who need a yeshua we have to daven for them too that they should make it here
no need for guilt just action
hatzlocho waiting for your future posts
   

tzomah wrote on 20 Apr 2017 16:26:

Thanks
After I discovered GYE, I find many interesting points, 1) that I'm not alone, I'm not struggling by myselfצרת הרבים, חצי נחמה,  2) there is so much help out there, the handbook, the chizuk emails, the forum, the 90 day chart, and 3) the support on the forums are beating everything, since I’m a proud GYE member, I’m very uplifted, I feel the help is on my way, and I will definitely get out from my addiction, I don’t have any doubt ……. I used to smoke cigarettes in yeshiva big time, when I got married, my wife told me that I must stop smoking, she couldn’t take the smell, so I tried many times, but inside me I didn’t want to stop, one day my wife got very angry at me, so I decided that’s it, I’m quitting smoking for good. And guess what, I stopped from one minute to the other, and since then I had 2 cigarettes in 9 years, ( it was horrible….) so basically I see that I have the כוחות הנפש, I understand that for our sickness there is a יצר הרע in the picture, but I will get there בעזר השם….

Welcome!  That was quite a first post.  You have come to the right place.  You have already read the handbook, which is a good first step.  Is there anyone in your real life that you can talk to?  Can you pinpoint any triggers, especially stress, anger, lonliness?  Anything from your childhood?  Keep posting.  It's a great chevra here.  It's a place of understanding and acceptance.  I wish you the best.

You might want to try the TaPHSiC method, it can work wonders for some people in your situation: guardyoureyes.com/tools/taphsic-method

Listen to the 40 minute shiur: guardyoureyes.com/GYEFiles/MP3s/TaPHSiC.mp3

Hatzlacha!

gibbor120 wrote on 20 Apr 2017 20:24:

I’m a very confidential person, I usually don't like to share my private stories, so that option to talk to someone live, won’t be an option ever, (never say ever) maybe later on with an anonymous partner is an option.
I have only 1 trigger, that’s called “boredom” or lets say when I’m relaxed, let’s say when my wife goes out with friends, and I'm babysitting, and reading on the couch, then I have the urge of pleasuring myself, for no good reason, just because its quite, and I can think, I’m relaxed, and for the moment it’s a good feeling, (lets not talk from the moment afterwards, I can’t think about it now, I’m on my way of being clean, I love it much much more) or my biggest biggest struggle is when I’m in bed, at night or Friday and Saturday afternoon, I’m relaxed and I have time, I’m in a fight every night, but with hashems help, ill be clean FOREVER, interesting, as I have read many posts, that they act out when they are angry, I’m the opposite, I’m acting out only when I’m relaxed.

Seems like people here have been deprived of eatin' rice for a couple weeks.

the.guard wrote on 20 Apr 2017 20:27:

thanks for your post,
I'm still reading about TaPHSiC, will get to it, maybe.
thanks for the recording, I downloaded, I will listen to it later on way home from work in the car.

cordnoy wrote on 20 Apr 2017 21:01:

I'm also "confidential" by nature.  I didn't get better until I opened up to real people.  That is just my experience.

cordnoy wrote on 20 Apr 2017 21:01:

Why else would they be talkin' all about chopsticks?

gibbor120 wrote on 20 Apr 2017 21:09:

for now, I cant see my self doing that, I must first try without that, I'm a big עקשן so I feel that with the help of the GYE members, I can become clean and stay anonymous, and I will demonstrate it here.....