Shlomo well said

But I don't know if that's what YidFrum Monsey was asking

YFM sounds like you wanted to share some of your story, go ahead we're listening 

Markz wrote on 21 Nov 2016 16:41:

You do realize that you're covering your ears, right? Also, is this you?

I never knew you were were a graphic artist

You learn new things in gye

But... Yes it is me

Shlomo24 wrote on 21 Nov 2016 17:28:

Shlomo24, you gotta teach us where to find these pics.. keep em coming

I know of this top-secret website called Google Images. I literally Googled "monkey driving a car." As we all know, one can find all sorts of pictures there

Out of the white book:

"After  a  year  and  a  half without  acting  out  the  old  sexual  compulsion,  I  fell.  I  was casually  glancing  through  a  newsmagazine  and  lingered  too long  on  a  revealing  photograph.  By  the  third  look,  I  had  taken the  first  "drink"-the  lust  look-and  what  the  alcoholics  said would  happen,  happened.  The  first  drink  got  me  drunk. Within  a  matter  of  hours  I  was  out  on  the  streets  again,  having lost  control,  trying  desperately  to  score.

This  precipitated  a  lust-sex  binge  that  lasted  on  and  off for  some  three  months.  It  was  sheer  hell.  During  that  time  I more  than  made  up  for  the  year  and  a  half  of  abstinence,  and wound  up  in  "pitiful  and  incomprehensible  demoralization,"  a phrase  the  alcoholics  coined.  I  had  become  willing  to  throw marriage  and  career  to  the  winds  and  be  a  pimp  in  order  to supply  myself  with  the  prostitutes  I  wanted,  and  even  then,  I knew  that  would  not  satisfy.  The  marriage  was  over;  I  was living  in  the  garage;  and  I  was  getting  suicidal.  I  had  "hit  my bottom."  It  was  the  end  of  the  line.  The  party  was  over."

Boy can I relate..... in a two week fall period I made up for 4 years of not being with woman... because I was still sex drunk even if I successfully fought my addiction for 4 years. ...

Can you put that on the triggering thread? I can't do it right now. It can be in my name.

I have heard of that top-secret website. It is usually my starting point on a deep dark pitiful voyage. Its sad, but almost any search will bring up images that are triggering for me.

Just a quick update here; I'm now on day 11 of not acting out and it's a miracle, the SA meetings really help me feel more secure than I've felt in a long time and it gives me hope that one day I'll be able to count my sobriety not by days or months but by years like so many others.

I still have a real hard time accepting myself  and my disease, and that makes me feel depressed and like I just want to go and act out, especially when I'm triggered, but that's okay, I just pray to God to keep me sober for today OSAAT.

Thank you again to all tzadikim on here, what a wonderful group of heilige yiddin, and I really feel privileged to be part of it.

I wrote this on someone else's thread but then I thought it's a good idea to post it here on my thread as well.


YidFromMonsey wrote on 30 Nov 2016 01:19:

Hi everybody,
             A thousand pounds has rolled off my chest.I just joined up today on the advice of a therapist.Just to be able to talk to people about what I feel like and what I'm gong through.I started with romance novels at 13.At 14 I started with porn and masterbation.My biggest challenge has been that I have no one to confide in on a bad day.No one to call to make sure I don't take that last step when I'm about to buy an ipad just to watch porn and movies all night.Or just to share a good day..
Anyway,I would like to say thank you to all of you and we should ROCK THESE TESTS!!

Thanks for your share. Here's my ESH if that's worth anything. I joined SA 26 months ago. I have been sober for anything 2 1/2 months and under, for 9 months, and for 5 months. I'm currently 3 weeks+ sober. But I'm a completely different person, in an amazing way. What helped me a lot in early sobriety, and by this I mean a year ago because I wasn't consistently sober for my first 11 months of SA, was throwing myself into program. I needed to attend many meetings and make many calls and do the stepwork that my sponsor told me to do. I had witnessed my disease progress while I was in recovery and that scared the s*** out of me. But that's not what keeps me sober. 

You're in the very beginning of what hopefully will be a lifelong journey. There are going to be ups and downs. That's completely ok. You're not a bad person because you acted out. There's nothing shameful about it. You claim that you're an addict, I can't know if that's true, but if it is then you have a disease. My addiction is as much a part of me as my arm is. It will never go away unless God decides to lift it from me. I like to make sure that what I'm saying is accurate, and science will back up what I'm saying right now. And that's completely ok to be as sex addict. For me, I view it as a blessing. You may not be there but that's fine. "Progress not perfection" isn't just a stupid AA saying. It's the truth. We only have the power for progress, we cannot achieve perfection. I went to many meetings a week in the beginning of last year, and honestly I don't think I would have made it if I didn't do that. The withdrawal from my first intensely pleasurable acting out with another guy lasted for months. I need my medicine, and my medicine is the 12 steps and meetings. 

I currently went through a big life evaluation and my primary purpose of life, for today, is to WORK THE DAMN STEPS. Everything else is secondary right now. And I need that to recover. I'm waking up at 5:30am most days of the week to get to meetings. This is coming from a guy who got kicked out of a Yeshiva for not showing up to 1st seder and has a chronic history of oversleeping.

Someone in SA once told me something I really didn't like. He said "Shlomo, anything that you put before sobriety you will lose to sobriety." I hated him for saying that. At the time I wasn't going to a meeting because of Shiur or seder or something. What right did he have to say that? I was learning during that time, for God's sake! But he was right. Everything that I put above my sobriety I lost before I got sober. And that included most of my religious practices and my learning. Thank God I was single otherwise I'm sure I would have lost my wife/significant other to my addiction also. I'm still a rookie in my recovery process and I hope that one day I will be able to work on my religion in a healthy way and regain what I lost. Had I put recovery as #1 then I may have never lost it in the first place, who knows.

Additionally, and I have found this to be very helpful, is not to overthink my acting out. I act out because I have an addiction, that's it. Other people don't come up with the same solutions that I come up with when I'm feeling tired, restless, alone or afraid. Only other addicts do. Making gantze svaros has not proven to help my recovery. I think it's a rookie mistake. When I act out I need to heal first and foremost. Speaking from experience, the last time I acted out there were definite reasons why. I was in a relationship and we broke up a day later. But I needed to heal first. I needed to take care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually because I had just harmed myself in all those areas. I needed to get a good night's sleep and eat well. I needed to shower and take care of my physical body. I also needed help from others. I spoke with my inner circle of recovery fellows and opened up to them. I checked in with people. I made sure not to tax myself too much because I was in a very vulnerable place and even the slightest trigger could set me off; I had to be really careful. I let myself cry and go through my withdrawal in a healthy way, knowing that I am in my loving Higher Power's (whom I call God) hands at all times.

This was an absolute stream of consciousness, I'm not sure how much of it relates to you, YFM, but once I started writing I kept on thinking of more things to write about. Oh well.

So after a few more slips, falls, pains, and feelings of helplessness/depression, I've finally had enough pain and decided to do the hard but right move of getting rid of my Android device, that item is now finally checked off the list, gave it up today and I hope to be able to keep it that way.

WOW! Amazing! KUTGW!

YidFromMonsey wrote on 05 Dec 2016 21:29:

Yeah. When I restrict myself for sobriety it feels like I'm a baby with my bottle being ripped away. Even though it's good for me, it's still hard.