My internet addiction with includes both porn and inappropriate use of Facebook is about to cost me my marriage I need help fast!

icanchange613 wrote on 14 Apr 2016 23:17:


Why don't you elaborate a little, tell your story a little so people can have more information so that they can share what worked for them and see if they've been in a similar situation?

Welcome to gye.

I hope you're exaggerating about the severity of your situation at least a little. If it's really that desperate you probably should go to a marriage counsler and a therapist. Of course this site helps too but many people come to the recognition that they need more, and professional help than gye can offer.

Anyway tell us a bit more about yourself, your struggles, your marriage (on the bb forum) and story in general.

Welcome again and I hope you get the help you need.

I have high functioning Aspergers so it was always easier to communicate online rather then form real friendships.  Separate from my porn issue, I wasted an incredible amount of time on FB (and before that on AOL) and would speak to women sometimes in inappropriate ways, I told my wife i would quit FB but quickly relapsed and while I did not do anything inappropriate this time, she still feels betrayed.   

Welcome to the GYE aspergers club
Pls see my story below

Sorry to hear things are tough for you

Do you have a Rabbi / Therapist to talk to?

just started therapy and see a shrink for meds.  Finding a rebbe is the next atep

I'm driving home from my great Asp therapist

i hope yours is as good as her

If you can be totally honest about your entire history (I'm assuming you haven't had real illicit relationships) and TOTALY appologetic - your wife will be more blown over by your over-communication (which I assume is usually 10% like mine), less than your misdemeanors

BUT you need someone professional to advise what / how to say, so why not find a Rov

I assume you're not like some people that think the local Rabbi is a goy

And only sell their chometz to him

I feel very much for your situation,
id even consider to speak to you - (transgressing the Asperger 1st Amendment)

PM me and you never know...

All the best!!!

Pls let me know how things go

markz wrote on 15 Apr 2016 00:29:

Mark, with the greatest respect, I was magiha your post.

I assume 99% of GYE'ers have followed your story with great interest and been inspired as well as entertained by your posts, however just because it worked out well for you at that particular point to share your history with your wife does not mean that it is the right thing to do for everyone else, and at any point. 

One of the gedolim of the previous generation (AE) had  a suggested rule that you should have 6 months of recovery under your belt (oops, no pun intended) before opening up to the wife, and that was only if everything else is in place.
It may be that you know more about the OP than everyone else, but to all the thousands who are only reading this forum, it appears that you're recommending opening up as one of the first steps of recovery, when that could be dangerous.

It used to be the welcome package for a newbie was more along the lines of - 

Sholom Aleichem icanchange613! Welcome to GYE where many fellow strugglers have discovered they are not alone and have had their lives changed in unimaginable ways.
Make yourself at home, check out the GYE Tools, like the Initial Evaluation, browse the forums and see what works for you.

For ICC613, I would maybe add a caution that this kind of help most times doesn't happen that fast, and as ina wrote above, GYE is most times not a substitute for professional counseling when it is called for.

Mark - if I misunderstood, I apologize.

Eslaasos - nothing to apologize!

I had understood that his wife caught him either now or in previous instances, which is why although you're 100% correct, it wasn't applicable here. Even so I wrote he should "ask what to say" eg what to disclose

icanchange613 - Was my understanding incorrect?

My understanding just from reading his post was his wife was feeling betrayed by the FB activity, and there was no mention that she was aware of the porn history, but the facts on the ground could easily be different.

Applicable or not, I felt I had to make the point, but sounds like your feelings were not hurt, which is a good thing.

Back to tachlis, hopefully icc613 will find what he's looking for.