Hi!
After a month hanging around I finally decided to introduce myself. I want to change and I see how powerful this whole "environment" (if I may call it this way) and all its tools can be.
I am kind of shy, that's why I haven't talked yet but I know how important it is to share and to have someone you can talk to about this, so... here I am. I decided in my heart that no matter what, I'll never give up, I will always remember where I came from, I will always believe I can change and I'll always trust in Hashem Yitbarach.

Welcome!

Any spare chizuk please share with all the truckers here!!

Welcome! What do you feel you need chizuk in?

welcome... I was also once shy . but there is nothing to be afraid. we are all here to help and guide u thru the right path.. open ur self share ur history a bit... its worth it.

I need to learn how to be Yireh Shamayim. I feel like deep down the real reason why I keep acting out is because I don't really have Yirat Hashem, even though I might seem to. I wanna serve Hashem with all my heart and, believe me, sometimes I really feel like I'm doing it the way He wants, but then I go crazy and fall.
You know, I was really strengthened by all the chizuk emails and reading through the forum. I was able to understand that I don't have to be sad, even if I fall Chas v'shalom, but instead I should know that the war is not completely lost because of a single battle, that tomorrow is a brand new day and Hashem is the Ribbono Shel Olam, Gam zu letovah and so on,Baruch Hashem.
But I'm afraid that deep down I'm just a Rasha who enjoys sinning.
I don't wanna be a rasha.

My friend I just want to respond to your first sentence

Are you saying you have never opened ספרי חסידות או מוסר?

I need to learn how to be Yireh Shamayim. I feel like deep down the real reason why I keep acting out is because I don't really have Yirat Hashem, even though I might seem to. I wanna serve Hashem with all my heart and, believe me, sometimes I really feel like I'm doing it the way He wants, but then I go crazy and fall.

You know, I was really strengthened by all the chizuk emails and reading through the forum. I was able to understand that I don't have to be sad, even if I fall Chas v'shalom, but instead I should know that the war is not completely lost because of a single battle, that tomorrow is a brand new day and Hashem is the Ribbono Shel Olam, Gam zu letovah and so on,Baruch Hashem.

But I'm afraid that deep down I'm just a Rasha who enjoys sinning.

I don't wanna be a rasha.

We know that yiras shamayim doesn't stop every sin- we still miss minyanim, sometimes daven without kavana, speak Lashon Hara- bc even with yiras shamayim we have urges and a yetzer Hara. And the yetzer Hara is very strong for sexual matters. So what do we do?

Learn how to deal with it- yiras shamayim comes later but now we have to learn how not to run away with it just because we're getting pulled. So don't worry about yiras shamayim now- worry about how to stop and learn that from the guys here.

Unfortunately, my answer to your question is yes.
I'm like a newborn baby in all this. My family is secular, so are all my friends. I live in a place that is far from the jewish community and even the few yidden that I know here are in no better place than me. Basically, I have lived like a goy, among goyim and with goyim my entire life and yet I always acted different (except for the lust issue) {you see, I'm a horrible person}. To them I'm weird, my brother says I'm crazy and my parents say there's something off with me. The only siddur in the house is the one I bought and so with all the other religious books.
Right now I can do nothing to change this situation except to wait. I receive a scholarship response from an US university tomorrow and getting it is the only visible chance for me to leave this place now and start a new life where I belong. Otherwise I wouldn't really know how to do this.
I'm not kidding when I say I need help.

Thank you Workingguy!
As you may see I'm in the midst of a turmoil of confusion. But I'll follow your advice, one thing at a time.

I'm also in need of help and putting in allot of effort to get out of it.. but u definitely gave a big jump to describe ur situation... that's called progress. take it easy ull get there one day.. BE HAPPY

Thank you qualityeyes! I can see it happening you know... progress. And I'm very happy about it.
In fact, I have something wonderful to share! But I'll do it as a new post on the testimonials area.

So, in response to a few messages I decided to post a few things that have helped me get to 89 days today =) and hopefully 90 tomorrow. 

#1 - I REALLY WANT TO GET RID OF IT! - There's just no way you can get out of this nightmare for even 2 hours without making a conscious decision of WANTING to change, even if it is just for today. My wise mother is always saying "He who wants to do something finds a way to do it! He who doesn't finds an excuse." And she is right, period.

#2 - I talk to Hashem everyday, every hour. I even set an alarm clock on my phone with the first Shema pasuk to remind myself that There's only Hashem, so I'd be truly conscious of His Presence at every hour of my every day. Believe me, this has saved me lots of times! 
Also, talking to Hashem is by far the best tool we have.

#3 - Don't be lazy! Go find something useful to do! 
You know, after I realized that doing nothing is equal to doing something bad (wasting one of the most precious gifts Hashem gave you, TIME) I understood the power of keeping my entire being busy with anything useful, more specially the things that really draw you closer to Hashem. In other words, if your mind is busy you won't have time to sin!

#4 - Find your real happiness! - If it depends on things, status, money, circumstances, people or any other thing, even the noblest of all, then it's not gonna last because things break, status can change, money goes with wind, people die and you can't control what is going to happen to you. What you can control though is whether you'll accept what comes from above or not, thus building your happiness on firm ground. And guess what... I'm learning to find my happiness in being with Hashem, talking to Him, telling Him everything, even though He already knows it. And I've learned that He doesn't really want much. Yes, He wants you to do the mitzvot and all that comes with it. But take a look at Michah 6:8 when it says
 הִגִּיד לְךָ אָדָם, מַה-טּוֹב; וּמָה-יְהוָה דּוֹרֵשׁ מִמְּךָ, כִּי אִם-עֲשׂוֹת מִשְׁפָּט וְאַהֲבַת חֶסֶד, וְהַצְנֵעַ לֶכֶת, עִם-אֱלֹהֶיךָ
So, "walk with Hashem, don't worry, be happy!"

#5 - Keep doing it all over again and remind yourself who you are and why you're here, I believe this should be enough. You're a son of the Highest King, this makes you a prince. Act like such.

Shalom v'hatzlachah!
 

With ur power, will & enthusiasm. It made me emotional how u got to understand how to avoid the things we've been chasing all time. And מזל טוב for reaching "90 clean days" and counting up!!! Thanks for the chizuk and guidance and inspiration u gave me throughout our journey. May hashem bless u with all power to achieve ur accomplishment. 

Don't fall into the trap of thinking 90 days will cure you. Day 91 isn't necessarily easier than day 90 or day 89.

Keep doing what works for you!

You're right!
Never put your guard down, put your guns up!

Thanks!