No ha gufa, I don't join the calls out of lazyness and if I had a few good days, then I k'eelu make believe that I don't need the phone calls which is really just rationalizing and being lazy

Wow OTR, u really summed it up well. That's exactly why it's a crazy cycle bec when I'm not acting out, I know I do want to do what's right and then I'll see a week of that mindset, so I feel like wow I'm never gonna fall ever again until that time where I let loose a little bit, bec I can handle it, I mean look at the last week.....and then it's an hr later and I got my friend to give me the password to my internet since he would never be choshesh me for anything like this and I've been watching and acting out and then I resolve to never dl it again and.....
so how do I get myself out of this cycle!?!?!?

If you realize that you are going in circles as you described earlier, that cycle of act out- get my stuff together- rationalize that you're passed it- and then act out again- you have two choices,

Either you decide to commit to working a system to get off, or you stay on the merry go round. You put it really well in that post earlier summing up the cyclical nature very succinctly. The truth is though, that even when we 'convince ourselves' that we are past it, even at that stage- usually just below the surface we are brimming with self hate and loathing knowing that we are lying to ourselves.

At least that is how it works for me. Yes, I try to imagine myself as that 'clean cut guy' in beis medrash. His shirt is always pressed, tztitzis neatly together hanging at his sides at 180 degree angles. You know that guy? When he checks his email- that's all he does. Check his email. He'll maybe message his father about doing great in seder, or learning or whatever, and tell his wife his chavrusa is coming over after seder. Then he merrily goes back to his avodas HAshem. He sees those signs about internet asifas and dutifully goes as a good yid, to hear about how important it is to stay away from these dangers. At that time, he feels guilty for checking Yeshivaworld and voz iz news more than twice a day. With a sigh he resolves that THIS Elul he is REALLY gonna make that change and ONLY look at the kosher news once a day during bein hasedarim. He's got the device fitlered and shmilterd to the hilt- because that is what the rabbonim say to do. But really, he does not feel that drawn after porn. He may be tempted, in much the same way as when you smell good food from a treif restaurant. It smells good! But he knows- It's not for me. I'm a ben Torah. 

Yeah... lolololol.  That act can last anywhere from an hour to a day, to a week or two... I'll pass by the mirror a few times and actually believe I am looking at that tahara yid.... and somehow  then I usually find myself quietly locking my bedroom door, tearing my tzitzit off in the privacy of my home and voraciously devouring hours on porn and chatting.... At that time- Don't even talk to me about that clean cut guy. I'm not in the mood. I'm BUSY! 

Then once I'm done, I pay the piper again- I feel my guilt, I shed my little tears  and I'm ready to put my tzitzit back on at their respetvie 180 degree angles...  

Well they are a joint above your ankles. Quite necessary for lumbar movements. In my opinion they are the only bodypart that is singularly unattractive for all people. What about them?

Shlomo24 wrote:

VEHEMENTLY DISAGREE!!!!

Go for it Mark. (SInce when do I have this violent impression? I'm such a nice guy!)

A nice anecdote: The younger sister of a friend of mine once asked my advice about a bochur she had gone out on shiddichim with a few times. She really liked him, and didn't want to lose such a good guy, but he had a nose like tucan, just a little rounder. She said "every time I look at him, all i see is his big nose! It really disturbs me, and i can't get over it." I told her the advice of my Rosh Yeshiva, and she said she'd think about it. A few weeks later, she called to tell me "I went out with him a few more times, and guess what? Each time, his nose got smaller!!!" They eventually married, and are EXTREMELY happy together, have quite a number of kids kneina hora, 2 dogs, and a lively life. (PS - when i met him, I saw it was true - but the more you got to know his shining personality, it became a non issue).

So I think that if one is going out with a young lady that has everything going for her but your physical preference, one should go out a few more times to see if the attraction can grow the more you get to really know them. 

Ok, what's so controversial about that? Knees are still ugly.