Mr Yesodi, I wanted to thank you for inspiring posts. I only recently saw your thread since you bumped it (I've been to GYE for less than 3 months) and I must say I'm amazed at your courage at maintaining your sobriety. B"H I'm doing well so far since I started here, but the circumstances have been pretty easy. The weather is cold so the women outside are bundled up, and my wife & I are on a regular on/off cycle, so it's not too difficult to stay clean. But I fell back into all this during an afterbirth Niddah period, and I don't know how I will manage next time around (whenever that is Bez"h). And here you are, with a difficult marriage situation and no sex for years and yet your clean for over 150 days. That's just mind blowing to me, and at the same time it proves to me that it can be done. If you can do it, anyone can! 
I wish you continued Hatzlacha with maintaining your sobriety and I hope that you will see a turn around in your marriage be'karov. May you always be a role model for us! 

Amen. Thank you.

The truth is that -- for a combination of reasons -- once a semi-siginificant clean-streak has been built up, it is really not that difficult to continue maintaining it. (And believe me: despite my "Level 8" status of "Tzadik" on the "Wall of Honor" -- which totally cracks me up! -- and with only 23 days left before I become a "Tzadik Gamur" with HaShem's help -- I am in fact quite the opposite!)

However, it really is true that after starving the "little fellow" for the first several weeks, he really does gradually lessen his pestering, and if one makes even a moderate attempt to avoid triggers and banish lustful thoughts as soon as they attempt to pop in, the appetite really does go on vacation for the most part. In secular circles, this has been named the "flatline" effect, and while some people for some reason become scared when this happens, it really is a blessing that should be embraced.

So, the truth is that it is really not that mind-blowing at all.  The initial period was difficult, but once the flatline generally set in, there were only a very small number episodes where semi-serious urges attempted to take control.  But for the most part, continuing the clean-streak requires only a small amount of "maintainence effort."  For me, one of the most important realizations was that I simply need to find a new way to keep busy in times of boredom. Because looking back, it seems that the vast majority of my previous indulgences were ultimately rooted in boredom, and not a true urge. The urges almost always came only afteerwards, when -- out of boredom -- I allowed myself to indulge in unclean thoughts and/or visit unclean websites.

Yesodi wrote on Unknown:

Besides words of encouragement / praise for my current clean-streak (may HaShem give me strength to continue it forever!), can anyone here offer me PRACTICAL ADVICE on how I might  break out of my paralyzed "deadlock" situation?

I've been bringing in close-to-zero Parnasa for the past several years, and my savings are running out. Returning to my previous line of nicly-salaried employment seems to no longer be an option, and with all of my family and personal problems, my attempt at self-employment has not been working out yet.

My mother, who does not understand the complexities of my situation, is "certain" that psychiatric medication is the thing that I should seek, but I am quite sure that the heart of my problem is my lack of an answer to the big puzzle of "how to fix my persinal, famity/marital, and employment problems without any support or even just cooperation from my wife?" -- and not clinical depression or anything similar.
 

See HERE

Keep on Trucking

Our lives are so similar, it's scary.
I don't know if I have any answers for you, but feel free to contact me if you want to chat.
I'm BH in a lot better place now.

markz wrote on Unknown:

Thanks for offering an answer. Unfortunately, I did not find it extremely helpful:

• As for the insight that "she is right, and I am a dufus" -- this is something I already know, and have also made clear to my wife. I am the first to admit to the many, serious, faults that I have and that often annoy or anger my wife.  And I also understand that it is MY responsibility to do my best to fix my own shortcomings. But without quality communication with one's partner, and in the face of an almost constant barrage of negativity and hostility from one's partner, it is very hard to make any progress in fixing one's shortcomings in "solo" mode.
• As for the attention-deficit problems to which you allude: as part of my honest efforts to do all that I can to "fix myself," I underwent testing that discovered that I too suffer from such problems. And thus I've been taking Ritalin for the past several years. However, while it definitely does help in clearing my brain-fog and sharpening my concentration and focus, it is not a magical cure-all.

But Tachlis, I did not find your answer to be so applicable to my situation. Thank you, nevertheless, for trying!

neshamaincharge wrote on Unknown:

Thank you so much for your response. While it did not offer me any suggested solutions to my life-puzzle, it scored very high on "Tzarat Rabim -- Chatzi Nechama"! (And maybe even more than just "Chatzi"!)

Yesodi wrote:



Was that a reply to the link about jobs I sent you?

I'm lost

markz wrote on Unknown:

Apparently not. What I saw was your "See HERE" link, which I now see is an entire thread, and not a single post. Didn't see anything regarding jobs there....

Strange...

Did you notice a cement truck?

Yesodi wrote on Unknown:

This is very interesting. You see, as we all know Chazal already taught us this yesod "Aiver koton yesh bo'odom...". But I've been a little confused about this whole thing because on the other hand I see people talking about "needing to come up for air". I experienced this first hand before I joined GYE. I would go for a week or 2 without acting out, but towards the end of those 2 weeks I would be platzing. My kabolos lasted for one week at a time, from Motzei Shabbos to Motzei Shabbos. And I would be looking forward to the expiration of my kabala so I could act out. So clearly even though I didn't act out for 2 weeks it didn't make it any easier. Adraba, the pressure was building up the whole time. So how do I reconcile that with the maamar Chazal?
There are a number of possibilities. Namely, I would assume that Chazal weren't necessarily referring strictly to acting out but to lusting in general, and since during those 2 weeks I was still lusting big time that would still fall into "Masbio Raev". 
But I'm wondering if perhaps they were referring to this "flatline" effect you mentioned. I will research this to understand the concept better. Either way,  thanks for the tip! 

Yesodi wrote:


I wish I had something to offer. I truly feel for you and I hope Hashem will send you a yeshua very soon. From an amazing maaseh that happened with my brother recently I know very clearly that "Yeshuas Hashem" really can be "K'heref Ayin". So hang in there! 

BenTorah.BaalHabayis wrote on Unknown:

First of all, Kol HaKavod on your current streaks of 2 weeks at a time.  This is already a significant accomplishment, and a stepping-stone towards even longer streaks. (Buy why do you write of only 2 weeks, if your forum status shows a current streak of "70 days"?)

IMHO, it is 100% clear that this "flatline effect" being reported by so very many people (even gentiles) is exactly what Chaza"l was referring to.

And I think that you hit the nail on the head. So, although it is true that Tachlis, "HaMa'aseh Hu Ha'Ikar" and the main thing is to abstain from physically acting out ... it is still very problematic to allow ones mind to indulge these lustful thoughts, even if one does not physically act out on them immediately.  It is problematic spiritually, because you are deepening the enslavement of the "Mochin-related" Sfirot of your soul (Chochmah, Binah, Da'at) by the Sitra Achra. And it is problematic physiologically and strategically, because you are indeed simply building up the carnal pressure in your head -- which will ultimately seek its eventual release.

The trick is to understand that you can control what you choose to think about, and thus learn how to banish these lustful thoughts, and avoid the situations that can trigger them, in the first place. It begins with internally making a rock-solid decision to totally avoid everything that can lead to a fall! Of course, evil thoughts will always try to "pop in" again, but the moment you recognize them for what they are, you must throw them out and force yourself to think about (and do) something else! This is something that you can "exercise" and gradually strengthen with time.  In the beginning, one might be able to go for only a few hours or days without such thoughts.  But over time, one will surely succeed in lengthening this period.  And the nice thing is that -- as one starts succeeding in this -- it becomes increasingly easier to continue succeeding in this!

Thanks for elaborating on this. I want to clarify - before I joined GYE I was clean on average for 2 weeks at a time. But since I joined I've clean B"H for over 70 days. And largely it's because of what you described - because I came to understand the idea of "lusting" and that it's what's underlying the acting out, and I decided I don't want to lust because I'm much happier with my life when I'm not lusting. And this has worked really well so far, as I've been experiencing urges only very occasionally. I pray to Hashem to help me keep it up! 

Still going strong at 173 days, with only 7 days left until "Tzadik Gamur" status (haha, what a joke!)!

But seriously, I never thought I'd be able to make it this far, or that it would become so relatively easy to maintain, B"H. With so much of my personal and family life still in shambles, my success so far in this area is one of my sole sources of encouragement.

Another amazing benefit, beyond the great feeling of "freedom," is the tremendous amount of saved time that had been previously wasted on the Sitra Achra!