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My Story - Thank Gd
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TOPIC: My Story - Thank Gd 117082 Views

Re: My Story - Thank Gd 03 Oct 2017 03:14 #320860

  • lionking
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Markz, I feel for you. I've also had, in the past and in the present, situations like this. Especially hard is when the wife shows interest or even initiates and backs out, but as I wrote in the past, I need to work on no expectations at all. Or as Cordnoy puts it, true sobriety wouldn't have an issue. (Not sure what that means...)
I'm still learning to appreciate my wife for who she is, not as a sex doll.
Regarding your post about pas bsalo, I also find it harder when my wife is permitted versus when not. The past approx. 8 weeks when my wife was postpartum, except for right in the beginning, just breezed through. Now every day is a struggle.
Hatzlocha Rabba!
My email address is: growinghigher613@gmail.com

Re: My Story - Thank Gd 03 Oct 2017 03:47 #320861

  • LoveU,Hashem
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Falling at work with porn and masturbation. Hinu hach..

Re: My Story - Thank Gd 03 Oct 2017 07:31 #320867

  • mikestrucking
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just my 2c
originally i got frustrated and upset when my wife declined
that would be followed by masturbation
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
then i got into the mind set that i "need a period to dry out from lust"
i wouldn't want it and i left it up to her (i would want it but i did leave it up to her)
in that period of time i learned that i didn't need it from my wife
i learned to not expect it if it came it was a gift
it became obvious that my wife wanted it many times but was too shy to ask (even using the hints etc.) she admitted to that and asked me to start offering
i have offered plenty of times she was never in the mood 
Formerly mikestruggling I just bought a truck. l hang out in the trailer and G-d drives. 
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
Last Edit: 03 Oct 2017 14:10 by mikestrucking. Reason: big brother asked me

Re: My Story - Thank Gd 03 Oct 2017 23:48 #320895

  • Workingguy
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Weighing in to what Cordnoy wrote about being able to deal with it in true recovery and deal with whatever life throws at you, it’s true but somewhat besides the point. Whatever pas besalo means, and chazal were not talking about something esoteric or difficult to understand, it’s a reality. I may be able to deal with it regardless, but that doesn’t mean that pas besalo isn’t true and helpful as well.

Now maybe what Cords is saying is that it’s not relevant because if you don’t have it, then deal with it. And that is true.

I can tell you this much. My marriage has turned completely in the right direction, and intimacy is still totally weak on so many levels. My wife would like to fix it and at this point it just seems like so much ancient history related to it that I’m not convinced it will work. And she wants to be available more theoretically but somehow it’s not practical at all.

And we can still have a great marriage, but it definitely affects the overall tenderness of the marriage. 

So Markz, I’m with you.

Re: My Story - Thank Gd 20 Oct 2017 11:17 #321352

  • EinShumYeeush
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I too can associate with the "Pas Besaloh" syndrome. My wife is basically always tired and wants to sleep  when its night (sound like normal for Humans), but it actually helped me on the 90 Day Chart.
The way I got past 90 days was by going cold turkey on any form of lust, including my wife. Not that I abstained from being with my wife the whole time, only that I didn't ask for it and focused on giving her what she wants.
The less I fed the fire of lust, The less it burned inside of me. 
אבר קטן יש באדם משביעו רעב ומרעיבו שבע
https://www.sefaria.org/Sanhedrin.107a.4?lang=he
Give up "Giving Up"! 
Give Up! Give up the past, Give up the future. Live in the now!
Last Edit: 20 Oct 2017 11:42 by EinShumYeeush. Reason: More relevant

Re: My Story - Thank Gd 20 Oct 2017 11:22 #321353

  • EinShumYeeush
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cordnoy wrote on 28 Jun 2017 12:20:

Shivisi_Hashem wrote on 28 Jun 2017 10:39:

Markz wrote on 18 Jun 2017 02:12:

mikestruggling wrote on 17 Jun 2017 19:57:
maybe try what my sponsor told me when you see (even out of the corner of your eye) someone who is triggering say "Hashem I am surrendering this lust to you please help me" then Daven for that woman for example "that woman should have a great day (should have enough money to afford more clothing)"
Good luck!!

I used to curse them in my good old lusting days before gye because it was all their fault
I now bless them

Wow! Please share the blessing! I still see them as part of the fault!

I see them as normal.
I don't bless 'em.
I don't curse 'em.
I look, I look again (usually), then, I move the Hell on.

The Ohr HaChaim [(אור החיים פרשת פנחס (כה, טז] says that a person who tasted the pleasure of lust can't be forgiven while he still desires it. He needs to first hate the women who caused him to sin and be disgusted from (and destroy) any good associated with them, only then will he gain a new sober nature and be forgiven. 
https://www.sefaria.org/Numbers.25.17/he/Tanach_with_Ta'amei_Hamikra?lang=bi&p2=Or_HaChaim_on_Numbers.25.17&lang2=bi  
Give up "Giving Up"! 
Give Up! Give up the past, Give up the future. Live in the now!

Re: My Story - Thank Gd 20 Oct 2017 11:56 #321357

  • cordnoy
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EinShumYeeush wrote on 20 Oct 2017 11:22:

cordnoy wrote on 28 Jun 2017 12:20:

Shivisi_Hashem wrote on 28 Jun 2017 10:39:

Markz wrote on 18 Jun 2017 02:12:

mikestruggling wrote on 17 Jun 2017 19:57:
maybe try what my sponsor told me when you see (even out of the corner of your eye) someone who is triggering say "Hashem I am surrendering this lust to you please help me" then Daven for that woman for example "that woman should have a great day (should have enough money to afford more clothing)"
Good luck!!

I used to curse them in my good old lusting days before gye because it was all their fault
I now bless them

Wow! Please share the blessing! I still see them as part of the fault!

I see them as normal.
I don't bless 'em.
I don't curse 'em.
I look, I look again (usually), then, I move the Hell on.


The Ohr HaChaim [(אור החיים פרשת פנחס (כה, טז] says that a person who tasted the pleasure of lust can't be forgiven while he still desires it. He needs to first hate the women who caused him to sin and be disgusted from (and destroy) any good associated with them, only then will he gain a new sober nature and be forgiven. 
https://www.sefaria.org/Numbers.25.17/he/Tanach_with_Ta'amei_Hamikra?lang=bi&p2=Or_HaChaim_on_Numbers.25.17&lang2=bi  

Ok.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: My Story - Thank Gd 20 Oct 2017 12:06 #321358

  • GrowStrong
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I guess that makes sense if the women caused the person to sin.
But for lustaholics all of the problem is in our heads
and so we bless them

Re: My Story - Thank Gd 22 Oct 2017 04:05 #321399

  • EinShumYeeush
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GrowStrong wrote on 20 Oct 2017 12:06:
I guess that makes sense if the women caused the person to sin.
But for lustaholics all of the problem is in our heads
and so we bless them

I don't see why we should bless them. Why do they deserve to blessed more then anyone else? If anything just ignore them just like we ignore other men.
Give up "Giving Up"! 
Give Up! Give up the past, Give up the future. Live in the now!

Re: My Story - Thank Gd 22 Oct 2017 04:15 #321400

  • cordnoy
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EinShumYeeush wrote on 22 Oct 2017 04:05:

GrowStrong wrote on 20 Oct 2017 12:06:
I guess that makes sense if the women caused the person to sin.
But for lustaholics all of the problem is in our heads
and so we bless them

I don't see why we should bless them. Why do they deserve to blessed more then anyone else? If anything just ignore them just like we ignore other men.

It so happens that I ignore; I don't curse them, don't bless them, don't blame them.

NobodyNobody said they deserve to be blessed.

TheThe logic behind the blessin' (which I don't totally agree with): if we lust after them, we are dehumanizin' them and treatin' then as objects. When we bless them, we make them human again.

I lust after humans, so it doesn't completely apply to me.

There are others who can explain it much better.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: My Story - Thank Gd 22 Oct 2017 11:26 #321412

  • GrowStrong
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Someone explained it to me in the following way based upon a reading in the white book which says, "the measure we gave was the measure we got back"
He said that by blessing the "objects of lust" he actually received blessings back in ways he couldnt imagine.
I liked that explanation.
I am not a big blesser either, but someone else explained to me that we are on a spiritual journey of growth which is transcendental.
And bringing God into the picture is part and parcel of becoming spiritual people.
Both explanations work for me in understanding why we bless.

Re: My Story - Thank Gd 06 Dec 2017 23:57 #323412

  • Markz
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In case this helps anyone that checks recent posts;

Many of us deeply want to quit sexaholicsm - with 1 condition - that we stay in the driver's seat (of the lust vehicle) - e.g. fixing and filtering everything besides for working on ourselves truly

For many of us (myself included) getting out of the seat and cutting some ego slack can get us real sobriety - good luck to us all ;-)
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Re: My Story - Thank Gd 07 Dec 2017 16:58 #323443

  • mikestrucking
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that's is a big part of the reason why i like the truck analogy. Think of an 18 wheeler. We should be the trailer. Just stay latched on (to Hashem) and keep your load light (no lust hits 4th step etc.). let Hashem drive (this way you don't pay for gas:cool:). 
Keep on riding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Formerly mikestruggling I just bought a truck. l hang out in the trailer and G-d drives. 
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!

Re: My Story - Thank Gd 21 Dec 2017 04:13 #324044

  • Hakolhevel
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Markz, Whats with the new truck?
My Thread:The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:)

I'm not a slow learner, I'm just quick to forget" - Eli Nash

A bit of honesty and less over confidence might help me - Imperfection

Re: My Story - Thank Gd 21 Dec 2017 04:14 #324045

  • Hakolhevel
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Markz, What's with the new truck?
My Thread:The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:)

I'm not a slow learner, I'm just quick to forget" - Eli Nash

A bit of honesty and less over confidence might help me - Imperfection
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