Hi.. I'm Nosson.. I'm married 13 years with a large mishpacha BH.. I recently (today) ended an affair I was having with a non-Jewish woman that had been going on for nearly 5 months.. I don't watch pornography or masterbate BH and I never slept with her the entire time.. It's the affection I crave that lead me to have the affair.. I have a history of doing this (she wasn't the first).. Where do I go from here and is this the place for me?

Hi Nosson/Nate and Welcome!!!

Yes you are in the right place. This is actually the place where all the guys really care and love to help and more then anything really understand where your coming from.

So stick around read and post, there is tons to learn here and amazing guys!!

Keep On Trucking and Posting!!!

Thank you dd.. Seems like lust is the primary issue here for most.. My thing is the "high" I get from getting a woman to fall for me and dot over me.. It's the "solution" to my insecurities.. The sexual stuff is kept to a minimum and I've been makpid about not doing hotzas zera in any form with any of the women I've been involved with.. I know the need for the excitement will eventually return and I'm scared of falling back into this behavior

Welcome to GYE!

Start by clicking on the links for new comers in my signature below and decide for yourself if this is the place for you.

Nate wrote:


The specifics may be different, but the line "It's the solution to my insecurities" rings very familiar to many. For many the lust stems from insecurities on many levels, so it could very well be that much of what others are working on can be helpful for you.

I am far from an expert, but I think that you want to work on this on a few levels:
1) Obviously put whatever safeguards in place to make sure that this doesn't happen again. When you stop and think about the damage this does to your family and can do if thins continue it should put you in a frame of mind to put fences in place (the damage is on so many levels, certainly if people find out, but even if not it means living a lie on many levels and that only creates distance. Flipping it, I find strength in the idea that Rav Dessler explains that the spiritual battles we fight make things easier for our kids... imagine fighting this one so your kids don't, or alternatively, not fighting it and they have to fight it harder.)

2) Working to develop your self esteem to a place where this is not necessary. This could mean speaking to a therapist (given what you've said my gut feeling is you definitely need to speak to someone whether it be a counselor or a Rav initially, because you mention that you've gone pretty far, and it has been numerous times).

Just think about it, the self-destructive behavior is triggered as a salve for the negative feelings, but imagine if you reached a point where those you were (at least mostly) free of those feelings. How wonderful would that be.


You have friends here, each one of us on our ow unique journey, but all struggling and looking to live honestly and experience true growth and increased simcha, better relationships with our families and Hashem. Don't be a stranger, and stay strong!

welcome,

what is it that drives you to these behaviors?

Welcome Nate!!

I do think you are in the right place, your reasons for doing what you do are very much the same reasons that I do what I do (watch porn and masturbate), to get a high and fill a void that is gnawing at my "happiness".

Putting up fences is obviously one of the first steps, although it may be a bit more difficult in your case. How do you find these women?

Taking a step back and figuring out what triggers you to start with the women would be the second step.

While getting all those in place, it would be absolutely vital for you to find someone that you can talk to about this (besides for one of those women). Someone that you trust will not ruin our life with this info.

That person doesn't necessarily have to be in the position to be giving you advice about life in general, and not even in this particular subject, but it has to be someone with whom you will check in consistently.

Those are my thoughts anyhow, and the things that have helped and are helping me.

Posting here is certainly an awesome start to finding a good friend, I have many friends from this site that I talk to, some daily, some weekly, some monthly, and some yearly !!!!

You can do it bro!! Take it slowly, change doesn't happen in an instant!!!

KOT!! KOP!!

A big shkoyach to all you guys for the much needed chizuk! I travel frequently for my job, and the loneliness is at it's strongest when I'm on the road.. Typically I've met these women at bars or on line.. I'm very reluctant to give up my job for the obvious reason that it's a good parnassa.. I have started going to a therapist on a weekly basis and I have been confiding in the therapist at these sessions.. I've only had two sessions to date but I'll be having one tomorrow.. What safeguards are there to make sure I don't throw on a baseball cap and head to the nearest bar next time I'm on the road and feeling lonely? Or worse , that I text the girl I just ended it with? I really developed feelings for her and she made it very clear that I'm always welcome at her house.

cordnoy wrote:


I think what drives me to these behaviors are feelings of insecurity, loneliness, and the escape I get from my real life which is filled with so many domestic obligations.. And if I had a better idea of what truly motivated me to do this behavior, I might have already replaced it with something kosher.. I wish I did know what makes me tick.. Anything you want to share would be helpful

WELCOME! Keep reading and posting. Let us know how you are doing, if the therapy is helping. If you learn anything that can help us...

Nate wrote:


This being welcome in her house has to change. you have to make her hate you ETC: If you do not when ever you have a bad moment you will just be able to give her a text....

From my personal experience:
I had a relationship with a girl before i was married we ended it on good terms. when i got married I tried to start things up again she made it clear that i am NOT WELCOME.

Nate wrote:


domestic obligations.....as in marriage?
wasn't that your decision?

Anyway, keep up the therapist!

cordnoy wrote:


Domestic doesn't only refer to marriage.. It refers to all that has to do with family life.. Yes it was my choice to get married and have children, and I chose to because they are mitzvos but that doesn't mean they are not stress inducing!

Agreed!

may God give us strength to persevere!