Hello
I'm on the site since two years. After an amelioration, I crashed again. I am 36 years old, I am married and have 3 children. Last year, as my wife was pregnant with our third, it helped me to try to quit. In fact, during pregnancy, I had such anxieties and fears that I wanted everything to stay clean; I never got more than 20 days. But I was in a good mood.
Unfortunately, as a result of personal and family troubles, disappointment, I gradually relapsed. And many relapsed. And again and again. I do not want to lie down on all my falls, because when I did there was in me of complacency or voyeurism. The only thing I can tell you is that I was and am a very serious addict.
I was tempted by discouragement. I dropped a lot, in terms of religion. I could not find solution. I never joined the 12 steps; it's not in the French mindset heal discussion groups. Most psychologists have me discouraged. I participated in telephone groups; at first, it felt good to see other people like me. But I did not feel like moving.
In fact, to be honest, only emails Hizouk really helped me. I learned a lot from all of you. And I want to admit here that I am.
I am someone consumed with desire. I burn with desire for everything; being honest with myself, I thirst for recognition, prestige, power, and therefore everything that goes with desire. But my strongest desire would be someone serene, who knows that everything comes from Hashem and accepts everything with faith.
I do not even really know what I want in my heart. I have a deep void, a silent anguish, a sadness. Yet I have a family, children, a woman I love, including me, who knows my problems. I have a very hard job, emotionally; I am a doctor. I am pleased, thank Hashem for status, money it gives me, and also because I feel useful. But I often depressed because of this business, I have enough to rub so much suffering. So I struggled to please me calmly, I feel that nothing makes sense. And all these thoughts maintain my addiction.
I will not lie, I have told you, my addiction is very serious. But in recent days there is something happening. While I have the opportunity to yield to it, I retraced my steps every time. I'm tired. I want to stop. I want something else. I want to find my way. But I do not feel that the 12 steps are my way. I discourage any person, it's great that it works for the majority. But suddenly, I do not know how. How to use this turning point in my life? How to live from day to day a new life of faith and happiness?
I hope you will help me, dear friends of the forum, I admire you and love you.

WELCOME! I can "hear" your pain. Have you read the handbook? There may even be one in French (I'm not sure). Many people have been in your position and are in recovery now. It can be done. NEVER EVER GIVE UP!

Welcome to the club of searching people. We all are trying hard. Kudos for coming forward. And just want to tall you (that you came to the right place. I am sure that from one of us you may get the proper suggestion that may get you on track.

Good luck

Welcome back.

Many have made it, you will as well if you want it badly enough. Stay on the site and continue to communicate here. From your friends here you will have chizuk and good advice.

The fact you are a doctor proves how when your are determined you can persevere and succeed.

Hatzlacha Rabah!

Thank you for you share and honesty. Hatzlacha!

Some Napoleon quotes, which if applied sensibly will bring you a lot benefit in this area:

“Death is nothing; but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily.”
“He who fears being conquered is sure of defeat.”
“Victory belongs to the most persevering.”
“Men are moved by two levers only: fear and self interest.”

Perhaps you'd translate them into French for us?

BRAVO!

Houston, you forgot the most important one around here...

Welcome back,

your journey should be blessed with hatzlachah.

Very bad day today
I don't understand what I want... or what I do

Day 5 of sobriety
I try to think day by day; often in the past I chutais Saturday night; insomnia due to the fact that the days are long, want to "get out" of the Kedusha of the Sabbath ... So Sunday were awful, full of fatigue and guilt. That night, I had very little sleep because I was with the family at the airport; I was surprised this morning although very tired of the sleepless night, I did not have that empty feeling as after a night of lust.
I realize that my only real moments of happiness are the moments of life without lust; HaShem helps us realize this and do His will.
Hatzlaha

continued hatzlachah

Shalom my friend. You know, we are all in here looking for something more from Hashem and from life, there's a lot of people out there in worse situation than you and me, and they are not doing anything to be better. So, even if you just try, it is something good, you are on the game...I once was more or less like what you wrote about yourself, feeling empty, desiring and lusting for every posible thing...I even was on hard drugs and almost died of drug overdose, But Hashem gave me a new chance to live, so I started to be sincere with Him about my feelings, my thoughts, my fears...just give them up to Him...I'm still struggling with things, but just the first step has changed my life, to surrender...
My advice to you would be, just try to surrender to Hashem and to the people who love you...what does it mean?? to be honest, try not to hide things anymore, try to open yourself with your loved ones and with Hashem...just try that and hopefuly you'll see some changes...and,you know, try to remember, lust is just a hot air bubble, out of it we are all people, the women we lust for are just normal people, just like us, with problems and dreams and hopes...