Hi fellow GYE members

I am Embarrassed Husband, and I have a problem.
I am married now for 3.5 years with a wonderful wife, no kids (yet) and a stable job and family.

I have been involved with pornography and masturbation since I was 12 years old. I have tried numerous occasions to stop, but the urge is still there to this very day. I find the Niddah periods (excuse the pun) are my worst as that is when I am most vulnerable and susceptible to "The Urge". It's gotten bad that during the non-niddah period I sometimes have The Urge to sit in front of the PC and masturbate.

But the worst part for me is that recently (for the last 6 months, I've started to engage with other women online only, in my city/country and other parts of the world, where we would engage in inappropriate activities. Everytime I get this brush of "WTF am I doing?" and I close the accounts and stop conversation... then it starts up again... like a vicious cycle. I can't actually believe I am typing all this. I feel so guilty and so ashamed of myself, of who I have become... it's scary to think that my wife has no clue. I feel sorry for her, I have this burden on my heart, my neshama.

I want to rid myself of these desires. I want to feel that lust and LOVE again for my wife. I want to be at peace with my past and know I'm moving forward.

Am I skeptical? Yes of course. Am I scared of what GYE will do for me/ or not do for that matter? 100%! But I need support, structure, friends, who are/have gone through this to tell me it will be okay, that I can do it, and that I am normal.

Thanks
EH

Welcome. A very familiar story.
You mention you have tried to stop. Have you used any particular methods that failed?
For the record, you are not skeptical. You are Embarrassedhusband.
Skeptical and his tips can be found here.


Hatzlocha, and keep us updated.

Welcome EH and congratulations on taking the first step towards a new life.
What you wrote is incredibly powerful and struck a nerve in me. I think it's fair to say that most people on this site will feel the same way.

Most of us here followed the same path that you are on now.
I just came here and I'm married over 10 years. Trust me when I say that it only gets worse if you don't make a strong stand and stop Today. The guilt, the feelings of worthlessness, the hours of your life wasted, your neshama slowly wilting away - all are compounded after years of this abuse.

You are joining a wonderful loving community and together we can help each other come out into the light again.
You can see some of my journey here guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/253632-20-years-of-Lust

Good luck and stay Strong.
It's One Day At A Time here...

Thanks for the chuckle.

I used to play games with myself. It would go something like this:
Monday: I had a chevrusa... I couldn't do it then... same day as the learning... no no
Tues: living off the power of Monday's chevrusa so not appropriate
Wed: **I think that was my only vulnerable day but I can't remember**
Thurs: One day before shabbos...
Friday: Shabbos is here
Shabbos: shabbos -
Sunday: Post shabbos and Monday was chevrusa

That wasn't full-proof and I slipped a lot. It got normal to slip and comfortable and that became the new norm. I haven't tried that method since I got married.

Since I've been married I have tried so hard not to slip during non-niddah periods. It was really hard because we struggled for the first 10 months successfully achieving penetration (she had vaginismus) so it was a huge struggle for me and my capabilities as a man and my needs, but we overcame that.

Now I am so far down the rabbit hole I just feel like absolute crap AFTER the fact. During or before it's the feelings afterwards. However I must say since starting to email with other women I haven't been sleeping much and felt more distant than usual during niddah periods. So I want to stop. I've had enough and I know that I need help.

I'm working through the blue stage. Gonna watch the movie clips and set up filters. I hope I can't find a loophole like on my cellphone... any tips on that or does that section cover it all?

Thanks for the quick response!

Welcome and welcome home! It is good to have you here. You are at the right place. We all have similar stories. We all felt similar to you. We all are in it together. TOGETHER WE WILL WIN!!!

Just stay here and keep posting. With time you will want to change your name to PROUD HUSBAND!! Again you will benefit very much from being here.

You used much courage to creep out of isolation. This is a big step to get healed from this.

Again We all welcome Embarrassed husband!!

Wow thanks to all the replies. You have made me very emotional and I look forward to providing support to those in need and working hard to overcoming my Brick Walls

Also start the 90 day chart.
Today. While you have the courage.
And we'll be with you encouraging you and helping you all the way up the chart and beyond.

There is no half way out. It's either a complete break or you stay deep down the rabbit hole.
I don't think anyone here would argue with that.

WELCOME! You have come to the right place! Read the handbook. Keep posting. Check out the "dov quotes" link in my signature. Many people have done worse and are living sexually sober, happy lives today. You can too.

Hi EH,
Oh how we all feel your pain. Fighting this inexplicable illogical lust and desire to do what we know is so very wrong, so very dangerous, so very stupid, so very not who we are. But we still get dragged under.
Sometimes we feel so strong and then a minute later, we are pulled right under the water by an overwhelming wave. And we ask WHY WHY WHY, WHY ME?
I don't know the answers but I have communicated with many people on GYE. The fear of being recognized, discovered, exposed, outed is crippling. But you overcame it. Soon I was emailing people directly and communicating more openly and then I even mustered up the guts to speak with people, anonymously, of course, on the telephone. Now I participate in regular telephone conferences. It will take some time before you build up the courage but you made a great first step.
I would be happy to explain all the available resources to you and tell you what to expect or you can just browse this site and you will find all the great ideas on your own.
If you would like to contact me directly, you can at pischoshelmachat@gmail.com
We all care about you and know exactly how you feel...because we feel the same way!

Welcome abord the ship breaking free! So many good things have already been said by the people who got to their computers to respond before me. So, I can only reiterate a few things that were written above.
#1 fulfillinglife613

The 90 chart is one of the main things that have been keeping me clean for longer then almost any other time since I was a kid! Nothing is automatic, and sometimes even with the chart, people trip up, but knowng that all of your (new) friends that are encouraging you while going through the same process will see how you are doing, is a big save for a lot of people here.

#2 pischoshelmachat

As somebody wrote recently (I forgot who, sorry) many people have for years been "trying harder" and were stumped "how come we're not succeeding in shaking off this crazy habit?" I know I was. Once I joined gye, I realized that I was like the polish army, fighting the germens on horses, while the germens had tanks and planes! No wonder they lost - even with a lot of hard work. We need the right tools to win, and gye has compiled a huge list of them. If you didn't read the gye handbook yet, there is a lot to gain from there. i's long but well worth it.

#3 fulfillinglife613

Not to argue, just change it a little, If it's not a complete break, or at least working on the process to break free, then you don't just stay down the rabbit hole. There are a lot of much deeper and darker holes to move into.
And finally
#4 Bigmoish

This is really where the meat and potatoes is. All the talk is great, and necessary, but what methods we are taking to advance our sobriety is the main point.
Wishing you and all of us, much hatzlacha on our journey through growth.
SG

P.S. Oh, and what bigmoish was talking about was that Skeptical is the name of someone who post here regularly. I'm sure you'll meet him sooner or later.

Welcome and Mazal Tov and Kol HaKavod! You've taken a huge, gigantic, intergalactic step forward, and for that you should feel proud and somewhat relieved. Not that it gets easier now that you've started the recovery process, but it does get better, a lot better.

My advice to you now is to just stay around, stay engaged, and asorb as much as possible here. You're among friends, and if you're comfortable seeing us this way, among brothers (we see you as one no matter what).

As for the feelings of shame, etc., they're normal, and insofar as they brought you to us, slightly beneficial. But as you'll learn, those feelings could also retard your progress if left unchecked. Feel goodabout yourself and know we are now invested in your success.

Welcome,

I have no words of wisdom at this time, but I with you
Something is hidden for guests. Please log in or register to see it.


b'hatzlachah

Welcome to GYE and thank you for your honest and open share! You are fortunate that you still desire your wife during her clean days. That is a sign that you can catch this early in the progression. Eventually many of us got to a point where we had no intimacy with our wives and would even look forward to niddah, so we could act out more freely.

You may email me at the address below.

By now it is clear what a wise move it was to come to our(your part of us now) forum.

Here is there is real hope

serenity has stretched out his hand directly to you- go for it and hold on tight - he is a

wealth of knowledge and experience

I am happy for you

I'm not sure which forum to share this with but I want to share it

This morning I woke up in my bed (Niddah period) at 4:20am and woke up with the feeling of lust. I tossed and turned, conflicted with the thoughts of letting it out (when Mikvah night is soooo close), or trying to just suppress it. So I tried going back to sleep and I couldn't. My mind was racing. I thought that I need to channel this energy into something positive. I could watch series on my PC... too close to the internet (haven't set up filters yet but I'm in the process of doing so), so I decided to get up and go to gym at 5am. Which I did, and I must say it was incredible. I felt so good for so many reasons. 1) I went to gym, which is so hard for me. 2) I was in conflict with my Yetzer Hora and I overcame it, which was a HUGE achievement. I got home, got dressed, went to shul and davvened with such kavana during the amidah, having a personal chat with HKBH.

Today, today is a good day.
One day at a time. What will tomorrow bring? who knows, but today, today I am winning.

Good shabbos and God bless you all