I need help
I am 42 years old and I would like to know what other single men do that
deal with their single ness, I feel its totally natural for a man to have temptations
without a female in their life.

Welcome to GYE! Hatzlacha!

Welcome,

that can be tough.
All of us have it tough, but there are always differences.



b'hatzlachah

Hatzlocho -I can somewhat relate - I'm just over 50 and my wife has started menopause - even after all types of discussion with various Rabonim and all types of possible heterim - she could not clean off and go to the mikveh until last week - that means from the 9 days of the summer till now, I went what some call going "monk" - no relations for all that time.
As you can see I have accumulated more than 6 months of sobriety. I believe the separation between my wife an I in the sense of no physical intimacy helped me greatly. I could focus well on how to approach the desire of lust. Once I saw some success at that I now have a chance at working on meaningful intimacy. Single might just be the best situation for success. Please note: those who have a strong compulsion to view inappropriate stuff and act out with themselves because of it will not find that marriage alone is the answer. So in a sense you are fortunate not to be married yet. Its best to tackle this before you get into a serious relationship.

A suggestion- Yeah it's a tough ride - But why not work on dealing with your temptations with the help of your new buddies here on the forum. JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE -married or single.

At the same time make a deal with the Creator of the world- I will try my best to deal with temptations.
Please Hashem you in turn -midah keneged midah - Please find for me an appropriate ezer k'negdo for a meaningful relationship emotionally, socially, intellectually and yes intimately as well.

SA White Book Pages 192-193


"The fact that marrieds can have sex with their spouse
and call themselves "sober" is no advantage at all. It can even
work against recovery. Some marrieds confess that even
though they aren't "acting out" any more, victory over lust
still eludes them. As a matter of fact, it often seems harder for
marrieds to get victory over lust and dependency unless they
go through the experience of total sexual abstinence. And
more often than we might suppose, marrieds can be heard
192
complaining that singles have it easier! Let's face it:
sexaholics-recovering or not, single or married can expect to
have problems with sex! Not to mention the host of other
problems entailed in trying to live with and relate to others.
What we strive toward is not only the negative sobriety
of not acting out our sexaholism, but progressive victory over
the obsession in the looking and thinking. We also strive
toward the positive sobriety of acting out true union of
persons. The great blessing (or curse, as the case may be) of
our condition is that unless and until we can give
unconditionally and relate with others, the vacuum left inside
us from withdrawal will never be filled. All along, we had
thought we could make the Connection by taking; we see now
that we get it by giving. Our whole concept of sex begins to
change. Sex finds a simple and natural place it could never
have before and becomes merely one of the things that flows
from true union in committed marriage. And even here, we've
discovered that sex is optional."

Above and Beyond

Leave it up to serenity to quote chapter and verse

Serenity,
Are you typing up word for word from the book or do you have a word version of it? Just wondering

I've been wondering that since I started here. Maybe it helps you internalize it, when you write it. I should try it too.

I type as slow as molasses in January. I do own 2 copies of the White Book, so that's my justification to use this link of an otherwise Copyrighted Book.

66.199.228.237/boundary/Sexual_Addiction/whitebook.pdf

I would say either purchase a down load or at least one day make a donation to SA if you use this link.. That's my feeling which has zero legal or halachic information behind it.

WELCOME! That'a a tough one. It's certainly natural to have temptations (married or not by the way), but giving in to those temptations doens't help at all. It only makes things worse. So it's like a thirsty person who only has salt water available saying, "how can you expect me not to drink the water? Isn't it natural to want to drink it." Perhaps it is natural, but it is no less self-defeating and destructive. So I have no good answer, but I know what is not the right answer . I feel for you.

Like the rest of us, work on being sober. Read the handbook, get other help, if necessary. Post here. Speak to friends, a rav, a therapist...

serenity wrote: