So I've been sober for almost 4 days now (The most I've been able to do in awhile) and I think a big part of that was putting energy into the forums and the website. So in order to add to that giving of energy I would like to post my story here (in more depth than my post down below a few days ago) and would really appreciate anyone asking questions to keep this going for me and for anyone who may benefit. So here goes...
I grew up in the midwest with what probably could be considered an extremely dysfunctional household. For starters, my brother is on the autistic spectrum and is prone to anxiety attacks that affect the entire family. My father probably has some minor version of what my brother has but is capable of being a working and productive individual (but with a few quirks). My mother has probably been depressed most of her life due to an extremely difficult childhood. All that being said, I am extremely grateful to Hashem for the family that he has given me. While they certainly have their issues, they always try to find the light that is hidden within dark of any given situation, and use that to become the best people that they can be, flaws and all. However, that isn't to say living with them is easy. Due to my chaotic home, and of course my own flaws as a person, I didn't really like myself. I didn't really have any sense of self worth, and that multiplied when that attitude carried over to school. All throughout elementary school I was bullied by the same group of kids. What makes the situation truly nebach is that I believed these kids to be my friends. You see, they would kind of use me as a sort of verbal (and once in awhile physical) punching bag, but as far as I was aware, these were my only friends. So I kept coming back. And that made the situation that much worse. Around 5th grade or so I stopped wanting to go to school. At first, it was maybe once a month that I would call home "sick" and leave school. By 6th grade it was once every two weeks, and by 7th grade I stopped going completely. Needless to say, I was quite a depressed fellow. And it was around this time that I started masturbating. At first I felt horribly guilty (like most of us I'm sure) but then of course I became numb to the guilt and eventually progressed to watching porn on the PSP i got for my bar mitzvah...Anyway time goes on and life continues to be challenging and unmanageable for me. Eventually I get placed into a special needs school by the board of education to complete 8th grade and continue high school there...This is where I have to stop my story for now, hopefully I'll continue later tonight or tomorrow, open to any and all questions.

Welcome to GYE and thank you for that honest and open share! I can relate to growing up with "friends" that would make fun and bully me. You will find more and more how your story has a lot in common with that of many others here.

Welcome Jwhite!!

Thank you for sharing!

Keep On Posting, you are among (real) friends over here!!

KOMT!!

Welcome,

The oilam is here for you.

b'hatzlachah

Sorry for what you went through it must have been/is a tough journey.
Only you can really feel all the subtleties of your pain and difficulties. However your very posting shows a level of courage. You are in fact displaying an attitude of " I've gone through H___ and I want something different something more promising. I am willing to do what it takes".
We all have learned that a porn addiction is generally a manifestation of other challenges that lie within the person. Therefore, it only stands to reason that if you find some success in tackling this addiction you will also have started the process of dealing with other issues.
Focusing on one day at a time- leads to days of sobriety - leads to more and more emotional health -
One achievement leads to another.
Brother you on a good road.
Hatzlacah Rabah!

Welcome J!

I very much relate to your story.
P&M are a very powerful means of escape.
But they have outlived their usefulness, and are now their own problem.
Here on GYE, we help each other escape from the escape.
Best of luck reclaiming your own sweet life.
We only get one chance to live this life.
May Hashem help us all to live it, and not escape it.

Welcome. Your share is much appreciated.

So I continue high school in this special needs school for about two years. Throughout this time my depression continues to worsen, and life continues to become less and less bearable. Eventually, I stopped attending this school as well as I found it incredibly aggravating to be in a class with people who actually needed special education. My parents saw that I was spiraling downwards quickly, and that something needed to be done. They flew out of town to consult a Rav, and he suggested I change my name and then they contacted someone in education placement and were advised to send me away to a therapeutic wilderness program. I went (I wasn't given much of a choice B"H) and I grew a lot there. I learned a lot about myself at the program, that I wasn't useless or unlikable, that I was actually able to complete a task if I set my mind to it. That program changed the way I view the world and to this day I appreciate my parents sending me away.
However at that point I still wasn't done. 2 months in the woods with therapy is not enough to cure someone who has suffered a decade of depression. So after I had finished my time there I attended a rehab for the next school year, where I also learned more about myself and how I had the ability to succeed. My entire life I had received B's and C's, but after clearing my head from many of my negative thinking patterns I was able to achieve nearly exclusively A's and a few B's (to this day in college).
After finishing that year, my parents and I felt that I would be capable of actually attending Yeshiva for the first time in my life. It was only for senior year, but being in a yeshiva (albeit one of those small-middle-of-nowhere ones that would actually accept me) had an influence on me. My entire life I had never planned on attending College, as I never really thought I would be capable. However if I felt I could, I knew there was no way at all that I would go to YU, and going to Israel was unthinkable, as I carried a fairly large amount of resentment towards Judaism. However, after being in yeshiva, I decided that maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing to consider YU instead. After that, I decided that maybe Israel for just a year maybe wouldn't be the worst either....
Iy"h I'll be able to continue soon, I really appreciate all the responses. I'm on the longest streak I've been on in awhile, and I don't feel as bound to fail as I have in the past. So again, thanks for all the responses.

Thanks. Looking forward to hearing the rest.

I feel such a kirva to you. You seem to have a real gentleness and stability about you.
I'm so sorry about what you went through in school. And I am so impressed by the caring and wise decisions your parents made.
I really hope you find here what you are looking for. And I hope you have much success. They say it works if you work it.
Shlomo

WELCOME! Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. Those traits are quite necessary for recovery. Keep posting. You are among friends who understand and accept you.

You have come so far!
Kudos to you!

many of us would still be trapped.

continued hatzlachah

loved your last post. Of course you realize, you made some giant leaps in the success dep't in that part of your story.
That's got to give you confidence. I was inspired and I am only a bystander looking in.
If you could find success and hope when you were so young and depressed and feeling hopeless -
Then drawing on that actual experience - you should be certain that your innate skills and talents can take you to great places!

Alright so I left off just having decided to attend Yeshiva in Israel, but before I continue I want to apologize in case anyone may be bothered by the fact that the point of this story is not necessarily centered around the specific struggle of this forum. I'm posting it for the purpose of realizing my own successes with the hope that I can apply them to this struggle. In addition, putting effort and being open in the forum I believe will help me on my road to recovery.

So to continue... I decided to go to Israel. Going to a real mainstream yeshiva was a completely new experience for me. And I admit a very scary one. I had fears about fitting in, being able to learn etc....For the first few months it wasn't easy. I spent a lot of time on my laptop watching TV shows(Where the women were suprisingly not so Machpid on Tznius). That in combination with the new environment, not really doing any learning at all, and really not being productive in any sense, led to many "falls".
But one day I had made a mistake, probably one of the best mistakes I've ever made in my entire life....The way my yeshiva worked is that the rabbis would come around from time to time searching for laptops, however, they all felt kinda bad about taking them away so they would always knock on the door before coming in (no one in yeshiva ever knocked). One day, I was watching a show with the volume a little too loud to hear the knocking...and that was the end of my laptop...and the beginning of my torah learning....
It started off slow but by pesach I had completely changed my mind about going to YU and decided to give Israel at least a few months of shana bet, those few months turned into a year, and now I plan to hopefully to become a Rav one day (getting smicha after finishing my degree in yeshiva-college), learning as much as I can, and being the best overall Eved Hashem I can be. And one of the best ways for me to do that at this point is to be on GYE.

I still struggle often and am still only just at the beginning, but I see from my past that Hashem is truly on my side and that all problems that we face happen for a reason. During my journey, I've realized often the most fruitful of opportunities come from the darkest of places. for example I've been privileged to have a large impact on people's lives because I was forced to become a personal trainer due to having no money. I had the ability to become a personal trainer because of how driven I was to work out when I was younger in case of a confrontation with bullies. This is one example of the many great things Hashem has provided for me in my life, and I hope to take this perspective with my 90 day (and hopefully many many more) journey. That this isn't a challenge, this is an opportunity. An opportunity to succeed. An opportunity I never would have had without this horrible (or beautiful?) Taiva....

Thank you everyone for listening and bearing with me...I feel much better having been able to share...

Such a beautiful post. May you continue to go m'chayil el chayil!