I guess I'm not really sure where to begin...my own personal story began over twenty years ago when I was still pretty young (10 or 11). I grew up in a non religious home (I have since gone to yeshivas and have been learning in Kollel for years with a family and children, KA"H) where cable TV was always accessible, and I certainly viewed many things that can detrimental to the developing psyche. I later found my older brother's pornography collection, which I viewed into and through high school (in yeshiva) in addition to accessing internet pornography. I imagine I'm not the only one who dreamed of really trying to deal with this alone...I still remember one elul in yeshiva (I think it was erev rosh hashanah) putting my head down and trying to concentrate on "ridding" myself of the yetzar hara, waiting for the epiphany to hit me, "I'm cured!" Needless to say, years later its still part of me, and I've realized it ain't going no where (if life were easy, it'd be boring). I think its almost two years ago when my wife caught on. Boy, that was terrible. The truth is she is amazing and still supports me, but the trust has never quite felt the same. Then again, I can't blame her, after staying sober for a while I fell back into old routines. I guess being handy with computers is a good thing, but it also means that even after trying to put filters and other safeguards in place, I'd find a way around them. It's kinda funny, but I realized that while in the grips of a lust compulsion, ALL logic goes out the window. I mean beside for being able to reason with yourself at the time you're fully engulfed by the compulsion in order to stop, I also lost sense of logical expectations of being caught (i.e. severely embarrassed). I really realized I needed help when I was using a computer in a more obscure place at work...but still visible if someone walks in on you(that's only a problem if you're thinking logically). Well a co-worker did, and to this day I'm not sure what they saw or made out (I'm certainly not bringing it up). That's when I realized I got a real problem. This stuff has warped my perception of intimacy and women, ruined (hopefully not irrecoverably) my wife's trust in me, left my angry and short temper with my kids, and stretches into ruining my relationships with my friends and colleagues. Sorry for the long rant, but does anyone who has made to the end have any advice on building back up my wife's faith and trust in me? She know's that I've began using GYE and is quite happy about it, but is there more to do about it? Thanks and Kol Tuv.

Welcome! Lots of great people and ideas here.
Oh, and if you discover anything about trust-building, let me know. I could sure use it.

Welcome to GYE and thank you for the honest and detailed post! We did a lot to harm our wives and it takes a lot to earn their trust back.

Hatzlacha!

Hi mepop,
I can't really help you because I'm only 20 but I recognise myself when you talked about living in a non-religious house, and one of my biggest dream is to go in yeshiva.

Anyway I'm very touched by your story.
With my little experience here what helps me the most is the forum, sharing with others and get out of loliness is for me the best tool. I don't know if you have already read some articles here and the handbook.

One of the main point to grow, in my opinion, is to know and understand that lust in all its forms is not the problem; it is the solution we use to counter the problem.

I don't know if my post was usefull but you have to know that you're not alone in this.

Hoping and waiting for good news from you !

Hello mepop, Bienvenue ! (I'm French )

My English is not very good, so I'm not sure to have understood all your story;
but I would like to share with you that my wife doesn't want me anymore, even if she didn't know my problem when she left me. The lust broke my couple..

I was angry against G.od and the life. It was a very bad idea to think like that, because I was sad and depressed.. so I was unable to stay clean.. it was a vicious circle..

But I understand now that it was Its decision and that it is for my well-being.

I happy today because I am with all of you in this struggle, and I know that Hashem love us !

Hey,

I have almost the same story as you.

What was helpful for us was my wife getting education on the addiction herself.

Not to excuse my behavior but more to understand where this all was coming from .

Another thing that was helpful was making my wife a part of my recovery as much as possible. That way doesn't feel dont isolated from me.

lastly time builds trust, the more you communicate and build your relationship, trust starts to slowly build up again.

Just have in mind everytime you have a slip, it's going to take longer to build trust and we both know it's not worth it :-)

Good luck!

WELCOME! What a great first post! You have come to a lot of important realizations. I don't have time to elaborate now, but in short. Work on recovery and everything else will fall into place. The rest is details. I can relate to the trust issue. That was hardest for me. My wife caught me close to 6 years ago, and it was very difficult (to put it mildly). But B"H, I have been sober since then. I can relate to much of what you wrote. I also became less and less fearful of getting caught. taking too many risks...

Keep posting. You are in the right place!

Hi Mepop,
how your post stings me when you verbalize precisely my pains. How will I ever be able to earn my wife's trust to the point that she truly feels secure, that she is not grossed out by what she thinks is in my mind when I want her, how will i ever be able to heal the pain i have caused her and continue to cause her, These thoughts are way too overwhelming and can flush me off my progress like a wave to a surfer.
I am trying to focus on the task at hand, on what I can do, while begging HKB"H to deal with everything else.
Welcome dear friend. Let's get healthy together.

Thanks everyone! Lifeisawesome, what you said about slipping and its effect on our relationships really reverberates with me. When my wife first found out about my problem, we had a long talk (with a lot of crying). One of the things we talked about was her need to feel that this wasn't going to happen again. Now as all of us know, it's unrealistic to expect that of an addict. One thing I have gleamed from the forums is you have to live in today, and take one day at a time. If we hyper-focus on the reality of our illness, think to much about what will be, and don't surrender the future to Hashem, we risk being overwhelmed. However, we have to know how to deal with the reality of likely slip-ups (including how to ensure they don't spiral out of control). I tried to explain to my wife that to deal with this, and to not fall in the pit of hiding myself from her again; I need to feel safe in being open about future slip-ups too. Understandably, that's really a tall order for her. I never did feel secure in being able to do that, and I did not share with her any such incidents. I felt like there was already so much damage, if she knew that it happened again (...and again... and again), it would be terrible. So, what does everyone think about if slip-ups should be shared with spouses involved with our recovery? And if yes, how to go about it? Thanks again even just for listening and kol-tuv.

Part of recovery is being honest. You can't move on without complete honesty to yourself and your wife.

I will never lie to my wife if she asked me if I had a slip. In fact I've came and told her before she asks.

The more I was open with her and told her where I was holding the better she felt.

Now that didn't happen overnight I also had crying conversation with her, where she felt extremely hurt and cheated.

With that being said, if your wife is someone that loves you and cares about the relationship and has the ability to understand, than you have a lot of hope.

My wife has come a long way but it still hurts her when I act out.

Just think, if your wife was doing what you do/dId how would you feel? Act? treat her? Respect her? Like her?

As much as this is an addition we must understand that your wife and family are hurting in the process.

you and your wife should read books on addiction like, out of the shadows (understanding sex addition) for example.

It helps educate ppl about addiction which can make a big difference in recovery.

Hope that helps.

Good luck

Welcome mepop!!

I don't have time now to write everything that I would like to, so for the time being, I'll just leave it at that!

See ya around, chaver!

I'm just getting started as well. Today is Day 2 for me.
My story is a little different as i have not been caught yet. But getting caught is inevitable and I know it will break my wife's heart. She is an amazing wife and mother and I love her with all my heart.
Which is why it makes no sense that I'm having an affair. I'd like to say "had" an affair but since I finally admitted to myself yesterday that I'm an addict, I know that "had" is a dream and a goal but for sure not a given.
I'm trying GYE for the first time and I'm hoping and praying that I've hit the bottom while still on top.

Thanks for listening.

My wife caught me with porn and it caused and continues to cause her and I so much pain. I cant bear to contemplate the pain i caused her and i often spontaneously start to cry when i speak with her. I really hope you can get sober before your wife catches you. You will never have the feel of a complete marriage once this hovers over you. You never know when images will pop into her mind while you are with her and she will recoil from you imagining where your mind might be.
I cannot even properly articulate the pain in a brief post but I can tell you one thing, I would do anything to reverse the clock to that fateful night I was caught and I know this will never happen so I must live with the devastation that I caused for the rest of my life.
DONT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!
Regarding sharing a slip up with my wife, she told me NO MORE CHANCES. She will not live with a man who is jerking off to pornstars.
I cannot slip again. PERIOD

fulfullinglife613- Personally, the most powerful message I've learned so far is always live one day at a time. So, never give up, because each day is fresh. I also find it a true personal challenge to live up to this. By nature we like to feel like we control our lives, and therefore like to try and plan out our futures. At it's base, it's the antithesis of a torah outlook to think we're in control. G-d runs the show, he wants us to play the game. As soon as our "planning" of the future or retrospective look at the past stop being constructive, we've crossed the line and need to recenter ourselves. Keep up the hope, and depend on G-d, because He never gives up on us. Keep us all posted.

lifeisawesome - I agree with you that honesty is very important for recovery, but It sounds like your wife has it in her to at least understand, even if not to actually forgive. My wife is a very good wife/mother with many wonderful traits but I can't imagine her ever beginning to understand where all of this garbage comes from. I'm just starting to get the faintest glimpses of it's source myself and I'm the open-minded (a little too much I'm afraid) one in the family. Like pischoshelmachat wrote, "NO MORE CHANCES" He got one chance. I don't know if I would even get that much. My heart is pounding now just writing this, yet , I know that tomorrow or maybe even today, I will forget this and will be tempted to take my chances, lust is such a stupid thing, and yet logic has no chance against it.
mepop, Best of luck on the road of recovery. and keep on posting.