HI EVERYBODY! It goes completely against my nature to put my problems in the open but hey maybe it will help. I HOPE I DONT BORE YOU.

I just want write to you my situation to see how I can get out of it.

When I think about it I was masturbating from a very young age without realising what I was doing as I got older it was a comfort when I was upset hurt ect it was my escape.

When I was 14 I discovered porn and I used to act out and for years I battled with it paying large sums to tzdoka fasting ect I was in so much pain learning well but having these awful slips.

At one point I went to discuss it with a maggid shiur in my yeshiva he told me to stop listening to non jewish music and magazines after that I never bothered asking anyone again and just tried controlling myself but kept on falling from time to time.

(i have no doubt its affected my learning my life and now my marriage I NEED IT TO STOP)

Before I got married I thought ok now we are sorted thats just what I needed a wife I know that sound awful but......

I feel so bad now for my wife because I had always been controlling my urges now once I started my body just needed it it must of been very diificult for her shes IS VERY SPECIAL but when she was a niddah id find myself acting out again eventually after a while i got into my normal routine of self control and was acting out around 4 times a year.

Than we had a child who is very disabled and at this time when i was meant to be closer to hashem my struggle over the last years has been more intense i found this website i tried the taphsic method but kept on falling through it.

Now my wife wants another baby and I am not intrested in bringing another child into this worlds when i cant even control my yetzer i need to be totally clean for a year first.

so I came back to gye 2 days ago and read it very carefully and eventually realise we are dealing with an addiction which is painful for me to accept because i like to think im a clean person in control of myself.

What I am asking you now is I am ready to work hard to get out of this where should I start ? and is it truly possible? and do I have to talk to my wife about it would break her heart

Thanks for reading please help

WELCOME! You took a very important first step by posting here. You seem to have come to a lot of important realizations.

iwannabeholy2015 wrote:
Why??? How will you do that without telling your wife???

iwannabeholy2015 wrote:
Have you read the handbook yet? It has lots of good ideas. That is usually a good place to start. Also, keep posting here and reading the forum. I would NOT advise you to tell your wife at this point. There may come a time to tell her, but definitely not yet. First, get to work on yourself. Hang around here for a while. See how it goes. Keep posting.

Welcome IWBH2015!!

Your story is so similar to so many of ours, it's sort of sad that these stories are so common that they lose their affect a bit, but that is also a big comfort, there are so many of us here who are or have been exactly where you were and are!! You're not alone!!

I also thought that marriage would cure my problem, only quickly to learn that that is not the case, and it may only make it worse!

I would like to comment a little about your username. I learned here on GYE that my desire to be holy wasn't all so pure. My desire was much more to feel holy than to be holy, and my actions were certain proof of that. My entire lusting was all just a way for me to feel good, and so was holiness.

That truth only revealed itself more when I started realizing that I was doing thing sin the name of holiness that didn't really coincide with what we are clearly taught yet I fooled myself into thinking that feeling good about something spiritual means that I'm closer to Hashem and that must mean that it's right! Whoops.....big mistake!!

The good news is that I learned that it was a mistake, and that has helped me a lot, both in this struggle and in all areas of life!!

So welcome to GYE, post away!! And KOMT!!

Welcome to GYE and thank you for your honesty! You're not alone anymore.

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice.

I take your point about wanting to feel holy as a fake feeling although i dont really understand it. the main point is I am desperate to break free and live a honest life not full of secrets and dirt.

On my first day of the 90 freshly filtered phone ect. and I get a trigger text message which i nearly fell for bh I avoided it and instead my wife and I socialised it was a great feeling!

Those great feelings can go a long way!

Hi there, and welcome!

First of all, congrats on coming here - that's a huge first step. And as difficult as it seems, this IS something you can do. Being holy is a good thing, but as you said, the first step is to be as HEALTHY as possible - living without the secrets and dirt.

I'm curious why you feel you can't have another child at this point. I'm sure that after having a child that puts so much stress on your life, the idea of having another one is probably very difficult. But that has nothing to do with your yetzer hora.

Hi Guys.

I am back here 24 hours after a bad fall. From reading the threads, I am starting to understand more about myself that its not something that is ever going to leave more constant work to avoid and not fall into traps and if we do that it will get easier over time are my on the right track?

about having another child and this is really bearing open my whole painful heart right now!
I feel that all the trouble with my last child is linked to my addiction and sins. because of this i am determined to be free and be the best person i can before I have my next child pls G-D.


Thanks for reading.

[Moderator's note: Punctuation has been added to clarify that the bad fall was not caused by reading threads on the forum, as explained in a subsequent post on this thread].

Yup, you are on the right track, especially in coming right back after falling and trying again!!

It ought to seem logical that something that we have embedded in ourselves for so long, and that has reached the core of our being, will not disappear just because we will it to. It will take time, patience, humility, and a few other things to learn how to live with our mistakes.

It seems interesting that we tend play G-D when it comes to challenges in life. We see it constantly here on GYE, the challenges we have are a punishment from above for our addiction.

Do we have it all figured out why exactly Hashem gives us all the good things that He does, that we should need to know the reasons of the challenges? Are we the only ones with challenges in life? Don't we believe that Hashem is a perfectly fair judge, if so, is Hashem punishing our spouses for our mistakes?

Everybody has challenges, that is why we are here on this world. Hashem is a loving father who waits for us to do Teshuvah, not a cold-blooded (or any blooded for that matter) computer that makes equations 1+1=2. Moshe Rabeinu already asked "Tzadik v'ra lo", if he couldn't understand, how can we think that we do?

I've thought quite a bit about what we gain by "punishing" ourselves, blaming certain things on our addiction, and I think that it gives us a way of not facing Hashem in a personal way, rather we are just part of a preset program where 1+1=2.

We need to face the facts, that Hashem is designing our life step by step in a loving and caring way that we can't even imagine, and we are in no position to put reasons behind them.

I need to thank Hashem for the things that I understand are positive, and trust and pray for strength and courage to accept the things that are painful.

It doesn't happen in one day, it's a mindset change that takes a lot of practice, and we will never be perfect, but we need to try our best, one day at a time!!

KOMT brother!! and KOP!!!

iwannabeholy2015 wrote:


I know....some of these threads can be really triggerin'.....

b'hatzlachah

Hello & welcome! Great post!

I can totally relate to feeling as if Hashem is punishing us for this addiction. It almost seems obvious, the only logical solution, as to why you are suffering now.

Just stay focused on being clean today with out any cheshbonis, simply because life isn't manageable with our addiction. Don't try to stay clean just so you can have a baby next year.

Hope

iwannabeholy2015 wrote:
So all people that have trouble with their children, it is due to their sins? And all the people that have great children are tzadikkim?!?

Clearly untrue. Stop playing G-d. Sorry for being blunt, but you have no idea why things happen. That is G-ds business. In any event, it is not productive. It's just a distraction from recovery.

Sorry for bluntness again. I'm in a bit of a rush.

Love Gibbor!

Hi there Holy brother!

Welcome!

Pidaini and Gibbor hit it on the nail. We are not Hashem and lets not even pretend we are or understand. And like hopeful said we need to do what we know to be the right thing. Anything more then that is too much for us.

Btw could you explain what you mean by falling from reading the thread.

The main thing is KOP and KUTGW!!!

Lot of wisdom have been said here, I don't have anything to add except that I'm part of the support and I'm waiting for good news from you soon !

Pidaini wrote:

Thank you pdaini! So much chochma in that post - as well as in so many others on all these threads. Hashem please help me absorb these wisdoms and live with them.
By the way maybe the need to make cheshbonos is also down to some need to be in control of things. Ie the fact that I can explain something shows that I've got a grip on it. Not sure myself if this makes any sense;)