Thank you, Serenity, I agree, shame does not help, save to motivate maybe.

I can also relate to the shame and awful feelings of a fall, especially after a sincere resolution to get it right this time.
I particularly respect the fact that you took an active step and got a sponsor.

Making a positive change in the right direction is always the way to go.

Good luck to you

Thank you yiraishamaim, I cannot express in words how I appreciate the support I receive from all of you.

Day 1 proper (Clean)

Today was successful. After a totally mind-numbing class on campus, I collapsed on my bed and slept through to dinner, now I have a mountain of preparation and homework to do before bedtime.

I find myself more alert. I am surprised at how this thing has become a part of my thought process, catching myself thinking lewd thoughts. I know this is a product of addiction, and that, in time, these thoughts and urges will fade. But I was still shocked when I started being alert to my thoughts.

I have no fears for tomorrow, it is also going to be a long day on campus, my course is of an exceptionally difficult nature in that we really need to put in a lot of hours to be successful. It helps me keep a regular schedule, and to keep my mind off of things.

Kind regards,
David de Oude
"A journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single step"

The saying goes, Fell Shmell!!

Keep on going!!

It's ok to be afraid, as long as we don't get carried away by it.

How's the connection with G-D coming along?

Thank you Pidaini,

I am still having trouble getting into the habit of having regular prayer and reading times, partly due to my studies occupying most of my day, but that is a lazy excuse, for G-D one must make time.

I always like to tell a story to my peers whenever they ask me if G-D still wants to speak to them. There was a great King. His kingdom was prosperous and experienced eternal peace. But the King was a lonely man, having never married. So he adopted a son. He built a garden and a quaint little cottage on a plot of his land. When the boy came of age the King gave this plot of land to his son and said "My child, this is yours now, inside the cottage is a telephone connected directly to my personal telephone. If you ever want to speak to me just pick up the receiver and you will go through to me. I have but one warning. There is an evil man, one of my enemies, who wishes to destroy that which I love. He will try to gain access to your garden and harm you, make life miserable for you. He is a very wily creature, and will try to trick you. Remain vigilant and never allow him inside. If he does get in, please phone me and I will deal with him immediately."

The son phoned his father daily, relating to him how his day was, and just catching up. For a long time this carried on, both father and son was very happy. Then one day came a knock on the door of the compound. The son peeked through the eye hole and saw a quaint merchant selling confectionaries. He couldn't help having an odd feeling about the man so he first asked him who he was. "I am but a humble sweet merchant, please open up and you can have a look at my wares!"

Seeing no immediate danger the son opened the door, at which point the merchant stuck his foot in the door and forced himself in, throwing off his disguise, laughing evilly, revealing himself to be the King's enemy! "Now, boyo, we're going to have a little bit of fun!"

He started off with a beating, the son crawled into his cottage, exhausted, too much so to call his father, and the first day went by without having contact with the King. The next morning the son opened the cottage door to thorns and thistles. The evil man had ruined the garden and planted all sorts of vile weeds and pests. He saw the son and came towards him, hand outstretched holding a delicious looking fruit. he said "Taste! It's quite delicious, more so than any of the boring old stuff your father ever planted!" So the boy tasted, and it was exquisite, but as soon as the vile fruit reached his stomach enormous pain erupted in his body.

And so his tormentor stayed, and the ordeal carried on for weeks, and the son never called his father during that time. "What if he doesn't love me anymore? He'll hate me for what I've done!" was his excuse.

Then one evening, after being beaten and tormented, the telephone caught his eye. With hesitation he lifted the receiver to his ear. Then he heard his father's sweet voice. "Hello, my son!"
He burst into tears, telling the King the whole story, and when he said "I was afraid you'd forgotten about me, or that you would not speak to me!" his father's reply was "My son, I have been waiting for your call diligently every day. You only had to lift the receiver. You're my son, I would never forsake you or forget about you. I'm coming around and we'll sort this fellow out!"

The King arrived and the evil man, as soon as he saw the King, ran as fast as his legs could carry him. The King tended to his son's wounds personally, and they repaired the garden, it had more glory than before the incident.

Moral of the story is as follows:
1. G-D loves you no matter what, you are his child
2. Beware of the wares of the devil, it looks tasty and full of pleasure but is in fact poison
3. G-D is simply waiting for you to pick up the receiver, He really does want to talk to you, and He is sitting waiting for his telephone to ring as we speak.
4. He is merciful, and will help you overcome your situation of you only ask Him to.

So to answer your question, Pidaini, I think I only have to lift the receiver and open my heart to G-D anew, to restore my garden to its former glory.

Kind regards,
David

Day 5,

I'm sorry for being so quiet my friends, the past few days were extremely busy. It has been my saving grace though, as being busy tends to keep the lust monster quiet and sulking in the corner. I know that there are rough days ahead yet, But simply reaching the next level will already be an immense victory for me, as I have seldom had clean streaks such as these.

I hope I find you well, dear reader, and I hope to hear from you again. I was saddened to see so little feedback on the story I related the other day, but I understand that mine is not the only thread on GYE. Matter of fact the point of this journal is to help me keep my mind clear and focused so I'm bound to ramble on at times.

Kind regards,
David de Oude
"He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of rightousness for His Name's sake."

Day 10

Greetings my readers and friends, I have been exceedingly busy the past few days, hence my silence, but I am still here and all is well, I have reached 10 days of sobriety which, in my case, is cause for celebration. I must, however, remain vigilant, as the road ahead is long still.

I trust I find you well!

Kind regards,
David de Oude

Thank you for keepin us informed !
Happy to see that you're doing well and that your vigilance is still here !

Hoping to hear more and more good news from you my friend

hi david

you posting in less frecuent intervals shows taht your busy which is a very good thing.

when someone getsd sick and has free time, sometimes it can be the worst.

may you keep yourself busy and reach the next level on the cahrt.

beatzlacha

Day 11/Restart of Day 1

Hello my friends! I have reached 11 days, which is more than double of what I reached before I fell last time!

You probably know by now that I have had a fall. Now, in my experience this is a crucial time, for one is more likely to relapse totally after a single fall. The little voice says "well you may as well wallow a bit in the mud whilst you're down there!"
But I say, no I shout, a huge resounding NO! I refuse to stay down and wallow in self-pity, shame, and hopeless debauchery!!!

I have beaten my previous record and have seen what I am capable of! It serves as motivation! Not as condemnation!

Thank you so much for your support, my kind readers, I feel my strength growing daily knowing that I am not alone on this fight!

Tomorrow I am back at Day 1, and I am confident that I will be able to more than double my record.

Kind regards,
David de Oude
"Cleanse me, o G-D, cleanse my mind of lustful thoughts, and my heart from impurities, that I may be all that You designed me to be!"

End of day 32.

Hello my friends and readers. I know I have been extremely quiet, having posted more than a month ago. Allow me to explain. I am studying to become a Chartered Accountant. That is the equivalent of a CPA in the United States. I am sure all of you will agree that it is one of the more challenging courses to do. I am currently in my final year of the academic portion of the course, and it is by far the most difficult for me, I literally study from the moment I wake up to around 22h00. With the June exams coming up the lecturers have bombarded us with 8 hour classes and enough homework to sink a fleet of ships. We are now in Exam prep time, so we do not have classes, and as such I now find time to post again.

Now comes the difficult part. I have reached 32 days on the 90 day chart, which is an exponential improvement on my previous 11 days. Alas, I have had a fall.

I believe it is partly because of the immense exam stress, and partly because I kind of lost sight of my goal in between all the studies. However, I am not disheartened, I am encouraged. 32 days. What an achievement for me, I haven't had clean spells like this for years. I am confident that with your encouragement and support I will beat this. My sponsor and I correspond daily and we have worked out a strict schedule for me to keep. With all these tools in hand I march confidently into the future.

I promise to post more frequently, as it will help me to keep my goal in sight.

Kind regards,
David de Oude
"It is impossible to get up if you have never fallen!"

Onward!

Day 27,

My dear friends, I finally have a bit of free time between all the studies. Thanks to G-d and with the help of my sponsor I have managed to remain clean for so long. What an immense victory for me!

But I, of all people, know that the real fight begins now, I must guard against resting on my laurels and push through to 90 days.

I am glad to be here again after so much academic endeavours.

Kind regards,
David de Oude
"See what no one else sees, see what everyone chooses not to see out of fear, conformity, or laziness. See the whole world anew each day!"

Push through today friend! Milestones are nice, but only when we reach them. Today, whats happening 63 days from now isn't any of our business.

Great to hear from you!