Day 1

Having started my journey to sobriety yesterday, and having successfully made 24 hours of sobriety, I have felt some urges and had a few triggers, but thanks to G-d I haven't acted out yet. From past experience I know that this is only the beginning, but I am confident that with the tools I now have at my disposal I will defeat this thing at last.

Thanks for sharing and thanks for linking me here from the other thread.

Hatzlacha!

You sound great! - strong-minded honest and realistic!

Hatzlocho Raboh!

Thank you so much for your support, I feel stronger already having a foundation of support!

Day 2

Last night as I went to bed I had to fight off an urge, but thanks to my newly kindled resolve and freshly formulated plan, I prevailed. I immediately said a prayer, and diverted my attention by doing a little reading before finally dropping off. My day was busy, as a student of an extremely advanced course I only arrived back from campus after 15h00. I find that on busy days lust has difficulty making itself heard over the demands of studying and working. There has been one or two triggers, thankfully I prevailed.

One thing I find that helps, especially in these initial stages, is to say the following sentence to myself whenever I find myself under attack:
"Lust comes in waves, bow your head, say a prayer, and ride out the storm."

Tomorrow I reach the next level of the 90 day chart, may G-d grant me strength, and wisdom, and clarity of mind to remain strong and to stand steadfast on my resolve to become and remain sober!

I really do appreciate each and every one of your inputs, be it advice, or just words of encouragement. I also enjoy the fact that I have people reading my journal, as an amateur writer it warms my heart. May this be just the beginning of a wonderful journey for all of us sharing this campaign with me.

Kind regards,
David de Oude
"Nothing is impossible. The word itself says 'I'm possible'" - Audrey Hepburn

Thanks for your share and your honesty.

Welcome

Sounds like a nice positive attitude.

b'hatzlachah

Day 3

I have reached the next level! 4 days to the next one! I feel happy to have started my journey so successfully. Today I have gained an unlikely ally. I have contracted some sort of cold or flu, but needless to say I feel like sleeping all day. I struggle to maintain focus and concentration in my daily classes, which can drag on until 15h00 every day.

Thus, feeling under the weather has, for the time being, curbed my urges entirely, I have no wish for any tomfoolery whatsoever. I have no wish to be awake as a matter of fact.

Every day I find new replies to my posts, and I appreciate each and everyone who wishes me luck and offers encouragement. I am thankful to have friends who are accompanying me on this journey. Toda raba

Kind regards,
David de Oude
"Out of difficulties grow miracles" - Jean de la Breye're

Day 4

I am feeling quite sick at the moment. The doctor says I have sinusitus, and he has booked me off for the rest of the week. As I said, this is an unlikely ally, but I must be vigilant as I now have some free time on my hands. I spend most of it resting and reading. Nothing too big because I want to rest my brain. I need to regain full faculty and concentration if I wish to be successful in my studies. Rather skip two days of class and become healthy and healed, ready to concentrate for the rest of the year, than trying to keep going at it, and becoming so sick that I need to be booked of for 2 weeks, which would be disastrous. But I digress.

Today marks the 4th day of sobriety in my 90 day journey. At the moment, due to my illness, this seems almost too easy, but I know that I have a long way to go yet, this is merely the calm before the storm. Lust will rear its head again, of that I have no doubt.

I enjoy hearing from you, my introductory thread is still abuzz with conversation and with the revelations I made about my own life on that thread I feel even more welcome. Feel free to have a look at that thread.

Pray for me, and wish me luck with the sinusitus, I really cannot afford to get too far behind with my course.

Kind regards,
David de Oude
"If you focus on the problem, you can't see the solution. Never focus on the problem! See what no one else sees. See what everyone chooses not to see... out of fear, conformity or laziness. See the whole world anew each day!"

Day 1 again,

Today I faced a choice. Clicking either the "I'm still clean" button and pretend the fall never happened, as I have done so many times these past 7 years, or man up and face the truth and press the "I've had a fall button". I chose the latter. The strangest thing happened, instead of feeling utterly hopeless I felt a renewed sense of determination and hope, and I came to the realisation that this, having a fall, is part of the process. Or rather, not having a fall per se, but getting up from said fall.

In the boxing ring, a champion fighter will get knocked down. It is inevitable. But to win he has to get up again. He knows he has 10 seconds to get up. So he uses it to his advantage. He takes 9 seconds to slowly but surely get back up on his feet again. By utilising GYE I am using my 9 seconds!

So I have fallen, yes, I have lost a battle. That does not mean I have lost the war! In the past I could hold out maybe 48 hours, 60 hours. I have made it to 4 whole days this time around. I have doubled my previous time, at the first go. This fans the flame of my desire to emerge victorious, I am confident, more than I was before, that I can and will beat this!

Kind regards,
David de Oude
"Why do we fall? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up!"

Great attitude

Was there something that triggered this fall? Perhaps something that has happened in the past/ or perhaps not/ and there is some way to prevent it from happening again?

Hi David!

Learning from each fall is the reason g-d makes us fall. So if your growing from each fall your on the right track.

So KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!

We have a saying in my language, directly translated it means "idleness is the devils earcushion". I believe that my current illness, which has me confined to bed for at least 2 days, might have played a part in it. Boredom can be a trigger, in order to prevent further falls the best I can do is to devote the rest of my illness to prayer and meditation. I think I lost focus for a bit and then fell, regaining and maintaining that focus will help me prevent a fall in future.

Thank you so much for your support! It is much appreciated!!

Day 1 again

My friends, I feel absolutely abysmal. As you know I have been confined to bed with sinusitis for the past few days, the last time I was here I told you I had a fall due to my idleness being fertile breeding ground for temptation. In the meantime, still confined to bed, the grounds proved more fertile than first imagined, and I fell again. I am deeply shamed by my behaviour, almost more than I can handle. I contemplated clicking the "I'm still clean" and pretend it all never happened. But that would make my behaviour totally unacceptable.

So I am making a clean breast of the situation to you, by being honest and truthful about it. Tonight I have pledged my life to G-d anew, made amends with myself and with you, and regained my resolve.

I am healthy and back to my studies again, keeping busy will allow me to steer clear of temptation. I have also gained a sponsor, who will help me maintain focus.

The mere act of telling you the truth has made me feel better already, although my shame is no less than it was. Thank you for being patient with me through this struggle.

Kind regards,
David de Oude
"I may not be there yet, but I am one step closer to my destination than I was yesterday!"

Thank you for your honesty and welcome back! I can relate to the shame you are feeling, but I've been told that shame doesn't do us any good. Shame never stopped me from acting out and never did anything to help my recovery.