Thank you ineedchizuk for pointing to that wonderful passage, and thank you hashivalisesonyishecho for finding and sharing it. It's important to remember the good we've gotten to do...And we're works in progress, so what it's not perfect, or even if it's mostly bad, there's some good in there to be happy about. "ha-kol sar yachdav ne'elachu, ein 'oseh tov" do we really want to believe this? THAT LITTLE UGLY BIT is more than enough reason to be singin' and dancin' and that's what really matters.

(that a good summary? My hebrew's sketchy)

Good Shabbos

Hi Hashiva!!!

I've been following your thread from the beginning and let me tell you your doing amazing!!!

My heart really goes out for you hearing the צרות you went through and how down you feel about things.

But just read through the thread and see for yourself how much you shtieged since you started here not so long ago.

Thank you for posting the ליקוטי מוהר"ן for the guys (thanks ineedchizuk for mentioning it). I just wanted to add one more point on this matter even though there is tons to add i'll stick with one point. I actually just told it to a fellow gye member erev Shabbos.

The tzadddik R' Aharon Ha'Godal of Karlin zy"a once met a friend of his from when they had been children. The friend ask the Tzaddik why did you grow so big and I stayed so simple. When we were younger you and I were very similar. So the Tzaddik answered him the difference is that you always focused on how much more you should be doing and what your not accomplishing. I on the other hand was always focusing on what I am accomplishing and the levels I did achieve. So that's why I grew so much. But you stayed very simple because you didn't have the sense to appreciate what you did do.

Kol tuv and KUTGW and KOMT!!!!

I have been in isolation all my life until I recently began using this forum. I've had a couple of sessions with therapists here and there, but I didn't exactly connect and I also kept my darkest secrets to myself, whereas here I am more open and since there are many who use the forum and particularly such people who are working on similar things as I am I seem to be connecting. Sometimes I don't have a particular purpose in mentioning certain things but I'm just freely expressing myself. I am in my forties and have learned a lot and had lots of experience and have heard many times and often even preached about seeing one's own strengths and nobody except my wife knows how hard I am on myself because I don't tell anyone besides for her. I have a smile for everyone even though I'm in pain. But do you really think I could totally act like someone who isn't hard on himself if that't the way I truly am? It's not possible because even if I think I can imitate I wouldn't really know the behaviors of such a person. To get to the point I have certainly been hard on others too. I always knew that I don't complement my wife and kids enough so I try to deliberately do so when I remember but it doesn't come naturally. This certainly doesn't create a healthy atmosphere in my home conducive to growth and success. But now an interesting thing is happening. As I am being told again and again by my dearest most beloved friends here that I need to see the good in myself and not live in guilt and self hate, it seems to be sinking in. I don't see it yet in the way I feel about myself and I hope and think it will come with time but I find myself complementing my wife and kids and actually loving them more. Sometimes I wonder why you all care so much and offer unconditional love and support. I don't feel worthy. But in any case the least I can do is to thank you all for this and say that I am truly touched by it and inspired. I should mention you all by name(pseudonym) but out of fear of forgetting someone I just say it in general. I read every comment that was posted here from the beginning and took it all in. Some were commenting more in the beginning and some now and some all along. I thank and appreciate all.

And we appreciate you as well.

My friend Hashiva I have problems to find time for the forums .So sometimes i am out of order.But everybody here is with you and we are all holding your hand. You have read all the posts , they are all true . Remember what Manoach's wife (the parents of Shimshon) answered her husband when he said that they both are going to die because they saw G.od with their own eyes (Shoftim), she said that if G.od wanted to kill them He would not have showed them till here and wouldnt have done the miracle (of the korban olah going straight up to heaven). It just doesnt make sense. In our case also if Hashem would not be interested in us He would not have created this site called GYE and would not have brought us all the way to this day. There should not be a doubt in your head that Hashem is not counting the days for you to throw all of yourself to His care. KEEP UP TH GOOD WORK !!!

Hashiva - truthfully we are your the ones that really understand your plight. Each of us has his own story but we overlap on the basic issues and challenges. Keep listening and KOT. No matter how low you feel you have fallen, know that there are others who have done worse and have significant time of recovery behind them.
Also - don't look at the mountain that seems to be ahead of you. Just move forward- cautiously yet with confidence that Hashem is helping.

WE ARE ALL HERE TO HELP YOU.

Hi Hashiva...

Did you ever check out the Dr Sorotzkin link in my signature? Do you consider yourself a perfectionist?

I just clicked it. It is an entire website with lots of stuff. What do you recommend from there? I don't think of myself as a perfectionist but maybe I am although I don't think so.

There is some great stuff on perfectionism, see if it fits.

There is also a great article on the psycological factors of acting out. Both great reads in my opinion.

There's tons of great stuff there. See if anything speaks to you.

I have been doing well b'h in the area of shmiras ainayim lately and I am very thankful for that. Later today I expect to have a situation where I will be in the company of a crowd including women and I would like to keep from lusting. I find that planning to report here is a good plan for me so that's the plan. I'm still waiting for my desire of even willingness to learn to come back because as of now it's a major struggle to sit and learn for any amount of time.

Sounds like a plan, just keep busy with what you need to be doing there and let us know how it went.

As for the learning... I heard a story about a famous Adam Gadol who was known for his exceptional Hasmada. A bochur once came over to him to complain that he doesn't have any Cheshek in his learning and it's so hard. The Gadol said "I am learning for 70 years already without Cheshek"!!

Thank you Gevura. The difficulty is that is a social gathering which I must attend. I need your tfillos as it says yagid alav rayo.

Thanks also for the advice about learning without cheshek, but I have a feeling that my lack of (maybe) cheshek (or maybe something else) at the moment exceeds that of the adam gadol you refer to. I'm stuck at this time with this more than ever before and I don't know exactly why.

Hashivalisesonyishecho wrote:


I am very happy you are advancing nicely . I have a feeling that Watching your eyes will open many gates of good things for you and your family and among them the rekindling the flame of torah. Keep Up Your Good Work , its giving its fruits more and more.

Hi Buddy

With regard to learning. I want to suggest the following. learn one mishna from a mesechta you know the best. Even this can be done with an english translation. Next night - do the next mishna. Make up your mind you don't go to bed till 1 mishna is done.
Every night another mishna. Chok veloh yaavor


the idea is - it is simple - so simple the yetzer harah is embarrassed to wimp out
it takes a very short time
you have a routine

you will see - as soon as you finish a perek you will begin to get a chizuk and it will lead to more and more. At that point you may begin to learn larger amounts. But even if you had a difficult day - dont go to sleep without at least that 1 mishna.

Hatzlocho!

Thanks Yiraishamaim.

I was thinking of posting something along those lines. Starting with something small but in order and consistent is usually a great way to gain cheshek. It really gives you a drive to do more and more. Try it out טעמו וראו כי טוב!!!