Thank you for sharing that , you did a very but very important step in writing it down and sharing it with the forum. I think your logic is the other way around. By not saying what happened you give us many ideas so the general rule is the more you share the better it is for yourself so you get feedback on the specifics and not just on the general .Worrying has NEVER helped anybody , that is not what you are supposed to be doing. AWARENESS is essential and that is what you did , you are feeling the change of "winds" and where are they heading. Use your lust / slip / almost fall , for your advantage . Meaning its like an "alarm light" telling you that your tank of spirituality got a low reading and now its time to fill it up . That is all . See what needs Chizuk , reinforcement , going over the basics or adding tools .
Hatzlacha in Journey towards healing !!

thanks for the share.
As long as you're not explicit in nature, it usually goes well.
Take a look at step 1.

b'hatzlachah

Thank you for referring me to step 1. A while back I started reading the white book but then neglected to continue. Now you have brought back to it. I read steps 1-3 and I see that there is a tremendous amount of wisdom there. They basically cover the ikarim of emuna and that therefore we must place ourselves under hashem's rule. We all knew this all along but in order for it to work, to bring a person to really be close to hashem it needs to be real. And the steps explain this clearly and demand particular actions in order to make sure that it's for real. One such action is admit to another person/other people. This is a major step. I am not ready to attend meetings. But I am getting close to the idea of talking to a single individual. I don't know whether I am considered an addict by certain definitions but I have gone against my better judgement and viewed porn. At the time it seemed as though I was overtaken. It is certainly a testimony to my flawed character. I also find that I am not following my better judgement in certain other areas of my life and I see that these steps include all flaws not just the main one being addressed. I often allow the hours to pass when I could be learning and I just lazily do other meaningless things instead. I don't know whether this is under the same umbrella exactly but I see this as another case of my flawed character and the lack of being capable and that I am helpless. Step 2 calls for coming to know that there is a power controlling this, that power being hashem as we know him. This becomes apparent to the person by seeing other people who were helplessly drowning and were uplifted from their rut. If a person just attributes it to fate he will ultimately not surrender to anyone so he needs to see clearly that there is a power controlling things and not just chance. This is an indispensable element of emuna. I don't exactly see how to get there though. In other words for it to be real.

I beg hashem to help me.

Thanks for your share Hashiva . You wrote you dont exactly know how to get there . Its a work of a lifetime . But i can tell that slowly but surely , you ARE getting there. Keep on Trucking. The whole 12 steps could be summarized in six words : Trust G.od , Clean House ,Help Others. Behatzlacha !

I know to some extent how you must be feeling. I am in my fifties - and I certainly have underachieved. Just humbly follow the GYE ways and you will most certainly become a kailythat is worthy of Bracha Vehatzlocho. Then look ahead. You will indeed make it - put your best foot forward and let G-D be your pilot.

Hatzlocho!

Not sure if I sent you these recordings previously, but I think you find them to be very helpful. www.dropbox.com/sh/a6tngb17x023a3m/AACjRMouhxj5rbW15XPuuJUXa?dl=0

Hatzlacha!

yiraishamaim, I see that you mentioned underachievement. Several people here have mentioned it, and for me it is a major issue, which I still hope to resolve, although I don't know how.

I wonder if I may dare suggest something and i wonder if the moderators would consider it appropriate. I have already eluded to this before. Maybe we can make a thread or a category of threads which discuss and deal with achievement and the problem of underachievement. I think lots of the same principles of the 12 steps can apply to this problem too.

Hashivalisesonyishecho wrote:


You are not alone in this type of thing. I did something similar when I was a young bachur.
However the girl was really awake and I did not know it. She told my sisters, and I got in trouble. For that I have done complete t'shuva b"H, but I am still overcoming my problem with pornography and masturbation. I also have a rebbi who deals with all these sorts of issues, who told me, when I told him my story, that he'd heard similar. I guess we are not alone.

I write this to give you chizuk in this area that you are not alone.

Much hatzlacha!

serenity wrote:


Thank you. I'm listening to the first audio. I heard something which I also actually understood from my reading earlier today. That one doesn't admit and surrender until they reach the bottom. Only then can they potentially recognize that their way doesn't work. Bill described their reaching bottom as 'falling faster than they can lower their standard'. So what if someone isn't exactly at such a bottom, is there no hope for him? I would like to make today's level to be the bottom for me. I think in order to do this I need to think about and discuss with others how bad my current position is until I feel the 'bottom' feeling. I do hate myself for being the way I am but apparently not enough. What could be more disgusting than destroying one's self. But I suppose because I have been basically the same failure throughout the years, it hasn't shocked my system. But the fact is I have discarded and continue to discard my life and capabilities and opportunities. It is a bloodless suicide. I am a churban. I would like to surrender this way of life.

May hashem help us all, and me too among the rest.

You were under the influence of a big sickness ( and you still are , and you always will be ). To think of yourself as a "churban" doesnt really help. But the truth is Hashem has done for you a Chesed Olam in enlighten you , bringing you to GYE , having you start your journey to recovery , starting you in recognizing how to be humble , etc., etc., כי ל-עו-ל-ם ח-ס-ד-ו . So you should rejoice in your lot. And be strong to continue , its a long road ahead of us and you need all the שמחה and right attitude to life to travel in it. Hatzlacha !

Read chapter 3 of the AA Big Book. It talks about the ability to stop at the early stages of the disease if the desire is great enough.

I believe your bottom is where you decide it should be. When you decide to stop digging you're at bottom. There will always be someone else, who has dug down deeper. I think the struggle to decide whether or not we are at bottom, is merely the struggle to decide if we are ready to give up our drug. I was arguably far from bottom concerning alcohol, and yet I remain full force in AA and haven't had alcohol in 17 months. It just isn't the person I want to be anymore. I don't need to end up almost dead in the ER to decide I hit bottom. Another way to look at bottom is when I start climbing, I'm done with digging. Just keep climbing one day at a time. Personally I don't think bottom is decided by how low you've gone. I think it's determined by how high you want to go. Why flirt with disaster? Why flirt with bottom. Btw looking to other people to see if your at bottom is very common among addicts.

Hatzlacha!

newaction, you say hashem has done for me a chesed olam to bring me to GYE and that I should rejoice in this. I wish I would be able to know that I am in the right place here. I still don't know it. I don't know if this will help me get my life together. I don't know if I am of the material that could be helped here and I don't know if my issue are such that are addressed here. You say I'm on a journey and there's a long road but I don't know if I'm on a road at all. I'm simply lost. The idea that I can ever function again is like a distant fantasy. There is so much talent being wasted. It's a tragedy. I've been hoping and trying for years to get my life together and at this point I don't see how. Hashem can fix me. The question is does he want to?

Hashivali how were you trying for years to get your life together ? What is it that was stopping you ?

What type of creature you are that Hashem doesnt want to help ??? From which planet did you fall ??

Hashivalisesonyishecho wrote:


That's not a question for us. Our question is, do we really want Him to?

We come to the realization that our drug of choice was not our problem, but the solution to our problems. We also realize that our solution does nothing but make things worse. That is when we are at bottom.