Hashivalisesonyishecho wrote:


Firstly, keep up the good work!

Secondly, I just wanna point out somethin', and perhaps it's not relevant to you, but it came out from your words.

I am an addict.
I am in recovery.
I struggle with step 1 regardin' the 'powerless' issue, but lately, as this week, I'm focused on step 3, I have really come to terms with that.

That bein' said, I do not view my recovery (process) as much as an accomplishment, for ultimately, it is with God's grace that I am even in recovery. While yes, I put myself in a position where it is easier for me to accept His grace (for instance, I couldn't exactly expect to appreciate God's grace if I would be found in a place of ill repute), I am beginnin' to understand that it is not my accomplishments.

And don't you worry, I gotta do step 1 over again, and as Dov is want to say (I think), "I am constantly workin' on step 1."

b'hatzlachah

I cannot believe that it actually posted; I have been tryin' for two days.
I wonder what I even wrote.
Hope it was semi-ok.

Wow I'm so glad you posted that comment, Avrom. Firstly, I completely relate to what you're saying. I know that I have to work the steps and the rest of my program for recovery and I'm doing that. At the same time I don't attribute any of my not acting out thus far to myself. It is only from Hashem and a miracle as far as I'm concerned. Secondly, and most important, I'm hoping that if you can post, I can post!

Hasn't it been a humbling experience?

Hi there hashiva li ! Mazel tov for your Chai days . Chai means alive . You are starting to feel what REAL life is all about. May Hashem Help you to continue many Chai's more ... one day at a time of course . Behatzlacha in your journey.

Hashivalisesonyeshacho wrote:


Who knows if Hashem didn't have in mind that this is exactly the real test you needed to undergo... Thinking you could become a Gadol, and then losing that vision... He wants to see what you will do NOW. Will you continue trying even when it seems you could have been so much more? Or will you give up? This is the greatest test of all... And if you pass it, and end up dying even mediocre, who knows if this won't be considered that you are a "Gadol" in Shamayim.

Wow wow the guard "bichbodo ubatzmo" posting in this forum oh my ! Hashiva li ! What a zchus ! and very truthful and inspiring insight . How beautiful ! So , there is a job to do , which is our duty . Lets concentrate in our duty not looking right or left and not thinking to much philosophy . Doing whatever in our hands to do and we become 100 % Tzadikim that are doing retzon Hashem . Keep On Mega Trucking Hashiva , Behatzlacha !!

cordnoy wrote:


Although I didn't mean it as grob as it came across, I only meant the accomplishments that hashem gives us, still after after reading your words I have tried to understand more that it is totally not our doing. It's a gift from hashem. Having said that and continuing to work with it, I think it's not right to completely remove ourselves from the picture and thereby remove the onus from ourselves. It's a delicate balance.

the.guard wrote:


I thank you so much but you might find this odd and maybe conceited and unrealistic but I haven't lost the vision. What I lost is my umph. (I believe I did it to myself with my sins - although I think that such a statement isn't so agreed upon here) I really believe that when hashem will return to me my 'seson yesha' I'll be monster trucking like nobody can imagine.

I ask the chaverim here to daven for me.

Correction

Hashivalisesonyishecho wrote:


It might look like semantics but as consistent with the message the chaverim here are trying to give me, it's something I need to work on realizing. My pen inadvertently revealed the mistake in my thinking.

For a long time I felt that it was just my acting out that had caused me so many problems, a major one being that I had 'failed' in my Torah learning. I felt that if I could just get sobriety I'd be the greatest guy in the world. After all, I had every single maaloh going except for this (major) one .

That turned out no to be the case. I thought I felt inadequate and unworthy because I was acting out. Turns out I was acting out because I felt inadequate and unworthy.

Hashem made me a sexaholic. He didn't ask my opinion before He did it. Why did He do it? I have no idea. Is it one of the main (if not the only) reason I 'failed' in my learning? Let's say it is. Nu? What could I conclude about what Hashem wants from me? Not much except that He sees things differently from me. What I see as black and white is perhaps not as clear cut as I thought.

את אשר התרת אסרתי ואשר אסרת התרתי

Hashem leads us down the correct path for each one of us if we let Him. Maybe even if we don't 'let' Him, the only difference being whether we are led or dragged.

For me I just need to work my program one day at a time. Grand plans are the luxury of other men.

I need some chizuk. I hope that I won't fall all the way down in one second. It probably starts with slipping. So I should view the slipping as the actual problem and it must be avoided like the plague. Like it says in Mesilas Yesharim anything that distances the person from hashem you have to run away from like from the worst peril.

I have been experiencing a higher cleanliness than before as I had already mentioned here. That's what I hope is different this time. But now I'm afraid it's fading so I need chizuk not to slip. I found myself looking before turning away, just a little drop but something more than at my cleanest time, at people in the mikva, the cleaning lady. I also found my thoughts straying a little before I chapped myself.

This is where I talk to myself and others for chizuk and get chizuk from others talking to me.

lets ask hashem
we cant....
we are powerless....
ich ken nisht alein....
helf mir.....
ask for me too

ddmm11219 wrote:


I was thinking of following this advice when I daven mincha, but I'm thinking not to wait until then but just to ask hashem for this now in my own words.

Just do it, anytime. You don't need an appointment

Hatzlacha and KOMT!