I'm 22 and I live in São Paulo, Brazil.

For years I have not been to a synagogue. I studied in Jewish school and I was a baal teshuvah, even if still very young.

Time passed and I grew up feeling alone and away from what is felt. Today I am just someone away from what it should be.

Nevertheless, I have never denied my origins or let my beliefs. And recently, I realized that I have to change that. However, I feel it is important to clear my soul of this shame.

Only then I can actually return in my way.

Welcome! Tell us more. We are listening...

Welcome,

there are people here with open ears.

Lookin' forward for more.

WELCOME!!!!!!!!!! YAY! I am also 22 and a Baal Teshuva!!!!

Check out the GYE Handbook and Skep's tips

Thank you very much!

It is very important for me to know I'm not alone.

When I was younger I read about some Tikkunim to fix this problem. What do you know about it?

I feel the need to do something like this, it's hard to fight something as strong as this problem.

Wanna share?
what are those tikkunim?
Some of us here do not like the word 'fight.'
A fight - we are bound to lose.
Skep likes to say that we shouldn't even get in the same rink.
What have you tried?

cordnoy wrote:


Some do not like 'fight', some do not like 'hope'. Some do not like 'Torah' or 'mussar' (in the context of recovery).

For the sake of honesty it should be montioned that others have no problem with these concepts. Check out the GYE handbook and you'll find them all in there.

So each person needs to find what works for him. "It works if you work it" is true not only for the 12 step program but for whatever program you may find helpful.

Hatzlacha Rabbah

MT

Machshovo Tova wrote:


I'm not sure why the introduction of 'for the sake of honesty' was necessary. The poster above said, "some of us here do not like the word fight," and that clearly indicates that some do like it.

Welcome to GYE, Shomer Emunah! Your yiddishe neshama is entirely pure and crying for Torah and Mitsvos! I'm jealous of you. It says "Every day a heavenly voice resounds from Mount Ḥoreb," (Mishna, Avot 6:2). And you are hearing that voice. The voice is asking for our return. As it says, "Return faithless son and I will heal your faithlessness" (Yirmiyahu 3:22). The Abishter is calling out to you and seeking you, as it also says, "You (Hashem) hunt me like a lion," (Iyov 10:16). There is no shame in that! Wow you're a gevaldig neshama!

Maybe we can say that one of the reasons GYE or SA or any group works is because we are all in the together. The yetzer hara is evil and evil is selfish and ultimately only works for itself. Our neshama and our yetzer tov is all good and works together with other neshamos of other people. So what we do is we all get together, and the strength of all our neshomos stifles and knocks unconscious the individual yetzer that we each have. So the truth is, it's not a fight at all when we face it together with our chaverim! Our yetzer has no chance!

Hatzlacha!

Yesterday, in my first day here I failed. It was a terrible experience and few moments after that I felt my soul stolen.

However, before I sleep I made a decision: I don’t give up! Not today, not ever more!

Less than a day has passed, and for a second I thought I was going to lose my mind again. So, I remembered a chelek of Tanya in which the Alter Rebbe talks about how simple logic can keep us away from break one commandment.

Sometimes the better thing to do it is stop and thinking about the problem. Today, this worked for me. We can’t allow a spirit of foolish take care of our desires. Hashem gave us an important tool in this war, our mind!

Thinking didn't help me for over 30 years. Thinking gets me into trouble.

The two main tikunim I learned was reciting the Tikkun HaKlali and the Tikkun Chatzot. The first is a selection of Tehilim by Rebbe Nachman of Breslov. The Tikkun Chatzot are selichot we recite midnight lamenting the destruction of the Beit Hamikdash.

Yesterday, after I recover my mind I recited the Tikkun Chatzot. It was important and brought me hope and peace. My tradition is Sephardic so I pray in a siddur written by Ben Ish Chai. This prayer is after Birkot HaShachar.

Let me cite some of Dov's posts for you; perhaps it might help you in your perspective:

1. To keep what you have gotten, I'd caution you not to do things that bring impurity front and center in one's mind. Some people want others to purify themselves and suggest tikkun klali, fastidiousness, fixing the damage we have done in the past, etc. Those things can feel very religious and intense, but for many people they are just a way to get high. Exactly like porn and sex are. I have been there.

Relax and stay at peace with Hashem. Using 'tikkun klali' and Teshuvah to draw closer to Him can be great things to do - just consider going about them without tapping into guilt-pain, fanaticism, or a restless discontent with 'normal' goodness. Before you know it, we end up giving in to a need for ecstasy with Hashem. Ecstasy with Hashem is a gift, we do not produce it out of need, that's basically demanding it. Demands ruin the trip! Same as marriage, BTW. And also, guilt and purity-chasing have their place - but can be very slippery slopes.

The bottom line is that you are probably pure enough right now, man. And we will never, ever be 'pure enough' to deserve His Presence in your lives. It's always gonna be a favor cuz He loves us, period. And from here we all move forward! It's a very nice trip, actually...except for those who insist on looking back a lot (even for 'purity').

Two things that scripture tells us about Hashem are that He is "in the still, quiet voice" (kol d'mamo dakoh)- ecstasy is not required; and that "He stays with us even though we are not pure" (hashochen itom b'soch tum'osam) - He is like a father who accepts his child as is and cleans him up, rather than waiting in the next room for his child to get clean. Our purity is not a precondition for loving Him and doing all sorts of stuff for Him - and it is not a precondition for Him loving and helping us in every way.

2. Yes, but it is so sad that so many of us guys hear "do something real," and interpret that to mean just:

* fast (which just makes us even more prone to need porn or sex with self)

* say the tikkun klali (which either gives us a false sense of security that "things are OK, or at least better!", even though nothing whatsoever has changed)

* limit our escapades to 'only certain days' (more make-believe)

* read Shaarei Teshuvah or learn more Torah (which makes it even clearer to us that we are really, really 'bad'...but does nothing to help us stop, anyhow)

* punish ourselves even worse with k'nasos of money or shaming (even though 'the fox is still guarding the henhouse', of course!)

Anything but killing shame by opening up to a real person - or opening up more honestly and completely to those we have started to get honest with! Anything but change the game. It's much easier for us to change the way we play - as long as the rules of the game remain the same...

3. As far as Bris goes, the Bris, is (as we say in bentching and as they said at your bris) "chosam bris" - the Signature. Hashem's honesty - Emess - is His chosam, Chaza"l tell us: "Chosamo shel hKB"H [is] Emmess". Soaking in mikvahs and saying tikkun klalis will not help you get honest, at all. The faking is our biggest problem, the two-faced life....and you have only had 3 years to 'build' one! Many here have been 'working' on a convincing fake face for a decade or more! Hey, we are frum, right? We gotta look ok, no?

So. Get real with real people if you want to get your 'bris' right. Simple advice. Make friends with people here and start to call them daily just to check in, get real, be honest about what u did in the past, feel like doing now, and plan to do today. It will not kill you. The shame is a bogeyman. You will find much more success staying clean that way. And relax, brother. Relax.

There is much more of this all around the forum.

Whatever works for you though.

b'hatzlachah