Hello,

I recently heard about this website and quite honestly, I was a bit overwhelmed by the vastness of it so didn't join right away. But now I've decided to join and learn about how to use the site as I go. Here's brief introduction of myself and my current situation:

I'm 22 year old student living in Canada with my parents. In regards to observance, I would consider myself as a Baal Teshuva; although I don't really consider myself Orthodox yet, I have been trying for a few years now to get closer to this path. But I do still struggle with faith and observance a lot.

Growing up in a secular Jewish home, I developed a problem with masturbation at a very young age. Although I don't consider myself to be addicted to pornography itself, I have unfortunately been subjected to a fair amount of pornographic and inappropriate content since I've been struggling with the main problem of masturbation. I went many years without this habit really negatively affecting or taking time out of my life (to my knowledge) but since I had a spiritual awakening about 4 years ago, I've tried to stop masturbating many times and learned what I was doing was evil, after doing some research on Jewish law. But I keep having trouble and keep succumbing to old patterns.

In the last year or so, I've also developed some very serious anxiety disorders known as panic disorder and agoraphobia (as well as an Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder I had lived with before become much more severe). And as a result, I've been basically unable to leave my house, had to put my schooling on hold and have suffered profoundly. This is not the first time I've had an anxiety disorder, I also had very serious anxiety as a child. But I've been crippled by this unimaginably painful anxiety in the past year and have not been able to find the right help. This whole experience had, at the beginning, made my faith stronger, but after a while of suffering in this state with no change, I've only felt feelings of anger and frustration towards G-D, so my observance has really plummeted.

Many times, I can't help but think that the anxiety disorder I've been experiencing has been the result of masturbation as well as other sins and my lack of ability to increase my observance. Does anyone think there might be a strong correlation between sexual immorality and suffering? Because this is obviously a touchy number of subjects, I've been in the dark, not knowing how I could bring myself to talk to a Rabbi about this.

I apologize for the long write-up or maybe introducing a heavy number of problems in my first post but if anyone has some initial thoughts about my situations, that would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

WELCOME!!!!!!!!!

I am very similar to you. Also 22, BT and live in Canada. You can email me at dms1234ongye@gmail.com

Check out the GYE Handbook and Skep's tips

Glad you are communicating your issues, I hope you find some chizuk here. Sounds like you should be seeking medical advice. I can't imagine anyone here is qualified to dispense that and if they are qualified they wouldn't likely give medical advice in a chat forum. If you have a sex addiction, it may behoove you get to an SA meeting.

Welcome,

It's difficult to give advice to medical and health issues on this site.
We are not equipped for that.
Regardin' addiction and SA, I think all that should be discussed on some level with your mental health professional.

Keep us posted please.

b'hatzlachah

WELCOME, and MAZAL TOV on taking a the courageous step of posting!

I think you may have the order mixed up. It's much more likely that the anxiety disorder is the "cause" of your acting out, than vice versa. Also, growing up in an environment that exposed you to thousands of provocotave images, and that sees masturbation as pretty normal, surely has a lot to do with it.

Give yourself a break. The guilt will not help you, and your predicament is likely 99.9% not your fault.

Get some help with your anxiety and other psycological issues first. It will be difficult to stop acting out unless you get those under control. Acting out is often the "solution" to a problem. It is not the probem itself.

Work on the underlying issues, and the acting out issue will be easier to address.

We wish you the best. You have a place you can feel comfortable sharing your feelings. We are listening. We understand. Keep posting.