Hi! I just signed in and I am very excited about this, I have been clean for 112 days now, bh! and i feel this site will help me even more.
I have a question for you, since I've been clean, I do feel better, but I feel some resentment towards my wife, as being intimate is the only way of release, as I compare it to how "easy" it was before to feel satisfied I am frustrated with the frequency. She doesn't know about my struggle, so it is not like I could go to her and explain that I am clean, and how hard this is for me etc..
Do you have any pointers? is this normal? am I crazy here?

Welcome!
I'm not sure I understand the question, but if you're asking how to explain to your wife that you need MORE and BETTER sex, perhaps you should take a look at this thread...
guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/244414-Will-MORE-or-BETTER-sex-cure-the-addiction

Thank you BigMoish, my question is like this: right now because I am clean, i have no source of release other than intimacy, and now i realize that the frequency is not cutting it for me. now my wife doesn't know about my problem, and since i am clean i feel there is no need to say anything. The problem is, how can i tell her all of the sudden i need more frequency to "replace" what i had before. Or maybe i shouldn't be feeling like this?

There are many people here whose wives are unaware of their addiction/habit, whatever you call it.
That doesn't change the fact that the only way to combat it is to minimize it as much as possible. The notion that we "need" a certain amount of sexual activity or we will simply explode is a fallacy that has been implanted in us by various external sources.
It is a lie.
Humans do not need sex.
Difficult for us as it may be to accept this (myself above all), it is a fact.
A fact that brings us together here to support each other, give "chizuk," advice, and share whatever works.
Good luck.

Moish

I see you started two threads the same.
I commented on the other one.

But basically, I agree with B.M. and I didn't understand your thought process completely.

Lookin' forward to hear more.

breakingthehabit wrote:


Loving intimacy with the wife shouldn't be replacing anything.
The last thing it should do is replace masturbation.
Isn't porn and masturbation a cheap replacement for intimacy?

Don't get me wrong. I know where you're coming from.
When we first quit lusting after other women and masturbating to their image, we turn to our wives for our lust fix. Big mistake. Much written about this in the married section.

Much hatzlocha in sorting all this out. Appreciate your honesty. You're making progress. Recovery is a growth process. It doesn't happen overnight. Being sober is a great first step.

Hi brother. Of course you feel frustrated. That is normal.
God gave us this desire. He gave us our wives to channel it in a permissible manner and to elevate it into a holy act. As it says in shulchan aruch and the gemoro at length.

Lo nitno Torak Lmalachei Hashores.

God didnt give us desires without a solution as to how to channel those desires.

That would make it cruel,impossible, and that is not what our loving father had in mind.

Of course there are divinely designed "hiccups" in this formula, (as you are experiencing, and as we all are at one point or another) but the idea does not change one iota, as it says in chazal.

Hence the non-stop references in chazal about how god in his compassion gave us our wives.

The next level as it says in shulchan aruch is to eventually elevate ourselves to to the extent that the desires cease to exist.

That is a lifelong process and not one that is expected of us simple folk at this junction in our lives. Easy does it.

Really? We have to strive to have no desires? Is that really true?

Welcome Bth!!!

Great thing you joined us here, looking forward to seeing you around. I don't have much to add to the posts above just one point. I too was clean for over a year in the past and then started falling again. I joined the site and started learning that I was still lusting all the time even when I was clean, whiteknuckling like its called here. We really need to learn how to surrender our desires and live real life.

Gye is the place and chevrah that can really help us learn how to deal with the above so come on and join.

Wishing you much Hatzlacha and KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!!

startrekuser wrote:


Probably not.

Welcome!

Check out the GYE Handbook and Skep's tips

Welcome! This has been dealt with extensively in the balei batim section, and many good comments have already been made. We are looking for a positive sobriety. Living. Not simply not acting out - white knuckling. Check out the dov quotes. I just added a quote of his to this effect. see here

It's great to have you aboard. I learned lots here and B"H, I have a longer and better sobriety than ever before.

Stick around and keep posting.

Thank you so much! first of all, i just realized i posted this on two different sections. sorry my first time on the site and a newbie when it comes to Forums. I am so shocked at the amounts of people who struggle with this same yetzer, it gives me so much more chizuk to keep going and staying sober.
this is incredible….

here is the link to the other post…
guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/245322-Resentment-towards-spouse

Hi and welcome to GYE! Being fairly new here and new to recovery, I am loathe to give advice. I would highly recommend that you read through the established material that is available on this site, such as the materials found in the question answer section, etc., and get to know the different people commenting here, before you start taking advice from random people commenting (including me.) Please consider that the posts here on this thread have a very basic difference in their fundamental approach, that could have profound effects on your recovery. That difference, as I see it, is that one approach is quoting a derech and outlook of normative Torah (for lack of a better word) or I should rather say an approach that may be more typically presented in Torah circles and the other approach is one found in recovery for sex addicts. In the beginner's section you may find some tools that will help you determine, whether or not you are an addict and what works for you. That being said, we should never be using our wife as an outlet for our addictive compulsive behavior and especially if we are addicts seeking recovery. I hope my post makes some sense and can be of benefit to you. You're posting of this topic has benefited me.