On shabbos i was lying in bed trying to fall asleep and i couldn't. I had an erection and i didn't know why, it was really bothering me. I kept on saying the sa mantra, "I am powerless over lust, hashem please control the lust for me". I kept on saying that over and over, and it wasn't going away, usually when i say that it works like a charm, for some reason it wasn't working this time. then i realized that even though i was saying that i was "powerless" over lust, i was really trying to control my lust myself by saying the mantra, because usually when i say it the feeling/physical reaction goes away. I am truly powerless and i CANNOT control my lust, only hashem can. the reason why the lustful feelings would go away is because hashem answered my bakasha, however, this time i wasn't saying it sincerely, i was saying it because i was trying to control my own lust, which i can't. therefore i said that "hashem, i am completely leaving it up to you, i have no idea why i am experiencing this right now but the situation is totally in your control, and if you want to take it away it will go away, if i try to get rid of it then nothing is going to happen". Because there was nothing left for me to do, i just put my head down and went to sleep, regardless of my current situation, i didn't let it bother me because the situation was in hashem's control. It went away and i fell asleep

Also i had an amazing shabbos this week, i was in the old city by a family relative. really, really nice.

KOT! YTC!

100th post! YAAAAY!

Hashem has kept me sober still, (i have no idea why i deserve this chesed), 58 days, one second at a time.
I am currently sick, but b"h getting better every day, although the hard part about being sick is that i am missing seder because my schedule is wacky and i don't feel up for it a lot. it's hard for me not to shame myself for not showing up to seder, currently struggling with that a bit. but baruch hashem i am at least feeling those feelings and not acting out to cover it up.
also, in terms of being sober, sobriety doesn't equal a happy life at first, i am definitely much happier, but the reason why i acted out was because i couldn't deal with the everyday emotions, now i am feeling them in their full harshness, it's a constant struggle, but i would much rather choose this alternative then acting out.
in other news, i met big moish yesterday, he's really sweet, we met with dms at dms' yeshiva. i also met a guy that i know well, but in an sa meeting. that was a surprise. although i think another one of my friends is going to be joining sa soon, he told me he has to go at some point, i think i explained to him why it's better sooner then later, and at the rate he's going, he really needs sa. but he has to come at his own volition so i am not pushing him at all, i am merely explaining facts.


YTC!

hey y'all!

i had 75 days of sobriety, longest ever, and then i acted out on shabbos. I didn't see it coming but, lmaysah, what happened happened. i realized that in retrospect i should have seen this coming. i realized that i value my own personal value based on what i do, not that i have inherent value because i am the son and prince of hashem. therefore, when i am doing what i want to be doing, i am flying high, but as soon as i start acting not how i want i begin to feel down and depressed. i am having a real hard time with first seder and shachris, i am hardly showing up. this has been my biggest issue since first year winter zman, it's still very prevalent. i am very lost in this issue and why i can't get the hang of it. therefore, since my attendance was dwindling, my self esteem slowly got lower and lower until eventually it cracked and i acted out. it's something i need to talk with my therapist. i am really upset about this.
i also had a really dramatic zman, it's been very up and down, not so regular. i went to the ssa workshop, came to a new yeshiva, got sick 3 times, went to the emergency room and also i joined sa.
last night i was on phone sex for a long time, hashem made a miracle and i didn't lose sobriety, i really tried my hardest to lose sobriety, but i guess that wasn't his plan. i can't say that i am not going to do it tonight also, i am in a really weird state right now and i can't get a handle of my emotions and actions, i am all over the place. also from the outset i may look fine but inside it's a hurricane going on.
i also realized something else really frustrating, i realized that i can help others so much, but my own life i have no handle on. i am currently in contact with many people who have ssa and also people that are in sa, i have been told everything from "you changed my life", "i am not who i am today without you", "you're so cool" etc. yet my own life is off the rocker.
all right, that's that.

bye bye.

Shlomo24 wrote:
MAZAL TOV! That is quite an accomplishment!

Shlomo24 wrote:
Have you ever considered that it may be the opposite. Since your self-esteem is low, you have a hard time with attendance?

Keep your head up, and keep on truckin! and NEVER EVER GIVE UP!

Sorry to hear about your fall. But 75 days is nothing to sneeze at. And you've really taken a lot of Big Steps to bring yourself up. So don't let the things you struggle with define you. Focus on the good person you are, and work on the other things, one day at a time. Yes Tou Can!!

Thanks for the share.
KOT!
Feel better.
As you go to SA, I will tell you somethin' that Watson always tells me, and it is very nogea me.....if you/we/I are on phone sex lines for an hour or entire night, or if you/I/we are on video chat for a week, and we didn't spill our seed, we still lost our sobriety....tis a fact I don't like to hear, and thankfully, it hasn't been relevant in the recent past, but it is true nonetheless.

You're a strong guy!

Keep it up!

b'hatzlachah

b"h things are getting gradually better. it's mamish true that when you really sincerely reach out to hashem he answers you. I am currently reading garden of emuna and learning chassidish seforim (a lot of r' nachmans torah), i even feel it improving my emunah in hashem. i have been doing a lot of sincere tefillah in the last couple of weeks. i also am utilizing SA prayer and getting on my knees daily.

just a thought i had the other day: i was on my way to SA and i thoughtto myself "ok, since i am going to a meeting then i don't have to make as many calls (to other SA members) today", then i thought "ARE YOU CRAZY! THIS IS YOUR LIFE! YOUR PLAYING WITH FIRE!", meaning, if someone told me that i have to drink "x" amount of cups of water a day or else my life would suck, of course i would do it. so i know that if i work a good program and make my calls, write my gratitude list, call my sponsor and pray then i probably will stay sober god willing. the insanity of an addict is that even though many of us know that this is the prescription that can help us "cure" our disease, yet many of us are so reluctant to take the medicine and i find myself giving "tirutztim" as to why i don't have to work my program correctly, it's absolute insanity. the last 3 times i did this i lost sobriety, why is now any different! i need to be like nike, i gotta just do it. although the silver lining is that i don't usually have yetzer hara's (wtvr) for unproductive things, so if my y"h is active then maybe it's proof that program works.

Well, your accomplishments so far are amazing, inspiring and quite impressive! Keep up the great work!

That's awesome!! KOMT BRO!!

Hi Shlomo, how was ur purim?

Lizhensk wrote:


i ate by this guy who thinks he's chassidish good times though

i guess i missed the party

Hey ya'll! I am back in shmutz la'aretz. I will actually be here for at least a year in yeshiva, possibly more. L'maysah, I learnt better here. I wanna live in Eretz Yisroel though.

Bad news first: I haven't been able to keep up any significant sobriety this past month, but I just got a new sponsor and things are looking up.

Good news: I am almost done therapy for SSA! YAY! it's been 3 long years so far, i could very possibly be done with therapy after elul. I still have SSA but I don't care about it, I have a healthy attraction towards women and that is what I care about.

Alright, bye for now.

YTC!

Shlomo24 wrote:


Welcome back...good to hear from you.

Shlomo24 wrote:


Me too! Sometimes that's all I care about as well.

Question for the panel: What's the deal with this 90-day business? If one is an addict then 90 days means one more day then 89 and that's it! I have seen so many people who have fell after 90 days, half a year, a year, multiple years, why create false hopes? Even people who claim they aren't addicts and don't go to SA also fall after 90 days, i know of a bunch like them. Could anybody explain to me why GYE keeps the whole 90 day agenda around? So many people feel like they're done because they hit 90 days, they feel they have rewired their brain so they're good, complete (insert negative word here). If someone is doing his habit for multiple years then why would 90 days of no acting out suddenly change that?