Hi,

This is my first time posting in the forums. I suppose I'll just explain my circumstance.

I'm a ba'al teshuva and had a very normal secular life before becoming frum. I was athletic and social and had numerous girlfriends and all that. As part of my "normal" secular life, using internet pornography was also a constant habit. During those times I realized it was very destructive and that it was very negative to the intimate relationships in my life. I remember one instance when my girlfriend at the time was coming over to my house. I was so bored and uninterested in her, and addicted to pornography, that I acted out minutes before she arrived. I remember thinking "if I am acting this way with a girlfriend who I've only been together with for a year, how will I ever make it in marriage?"

I started taking measures to try and cure my addiction. I installed filters but they were never strong enough. I found ways through them. I kept falling and getting back up again. At the same time I was growing in Judaism and doing teshuva. I'm sure there was probably some connection between the two, but it obviously wasn't the main reason I became frum. However, I was very inspired that Judaism had all these safeguard fences that when used properly could at the very least give a couple a chance to keep a spark between them and protect a man from himself.

I ended up going to yeshiva and spending a considerable amount of time there. While growing in many things, I labored hard in this area. It was always the same thing... sometimes I would last weeks, or months, or several months, but there was always a fall. It would cause me a considerable amount of emotional pain that could last for a day, week, or month, but I would eventually get over it and move forward. I remember thinking that my normal fall would always come after at least 2 weeks (sometimes longer), so if I could make it this long then when I was married I should be able to last during the nidah period in order to have the "release" with relations with my wife again.

Well, I ended up getting married to a wonderful girl, and this method worked in the beginning, but it didn't last. I eventually fell and it was the beginning of many falls. I have realized that my situation, while maybe not AS BAD as it was as when I was secular with the girlfriend, somewhat mirrors that. I look at inappropriate things when I am in seclusion and I often find it more preferable to act out then have relations with my wife (I've heard because one is a complete "taking" while the other you have to "give", and so it feeds that instant gratification fix). Sometimes I can overcome the desire, sometimes I can't. I think in some ways my addiction might even be a bit worse. While I can control it a little bit better, the desire inside me feels stronger. It's almost as if the schmutz has become more seductive than it use to be when I was secular, maybe because it is seems so forbidden now? I also realize the slippery slope of all this - my mind wanders and gets interested in ideas that I never would even considered 5 years ago.

I have sophisticated blockers on my computer and my system is pretty thought thru, but the problem is that I'm even more sophisticated than my blockers, and if I REALLY want to get through them, I know how to make it happen.... it's just a question of whether I want to go through the process to make it happen.

I would really like to quit all this for good, but it really seems like I can't. I've said "I'm done" so many times before, and it's never been true. I've read other's stories a little bit.... it seems like everyone starts off with what I'm saying right now, and finds some way to do it through GYE. So, I guess this is my last shot. GYE, please help me, because I can't do it by myself.

Welcome!
You'll get a lot of great advice here.

My personal experience is that the more you practice "unconditional giving" to your wife, the more your relationship will develop.

Perhaps you should post this in the Baalei Batim's forum as well, to see if there are more guys who have more specific advice in that regard.

Gmar Chasima Tova,

Moish

Winning wrote:


Welcome
Youre not alone.
Many have similar stories.
I would like to differ on your second to last sentence, which I took the liberty to put in bold. This is not your last shot; this is your first shot. Sufferin' in solitude is not a shot; that is all part of the problem. Now, you are in solution mode.

b'hatzlachah in recovery

Welcome to GYE!

We're looking forward to getting to know you better, as we grow together.

If saying "I'm done" in the past hasn't worked so many times in the past, how about trying not to say it? Instead of saying, "I'm done," try to say, "I'm going to work on making the right choices as they come up."

Welcome aboard the bus. It's a great ride with alot of fun guys on board.
Keep posting. Chat with the guys, email. stay out of isolation.
You will see (probably already have) that you are not alone.

There are alot of guys that come and manage to put their lives together. But only the ones that are willing to take real actions.
Hatzlocho, brother.

WELCOME!!!!!!

I am similar. Also a BT and grew up thinking it was normal to lust. I used to think I was different but really I am exactly the same as the rest even if they grew up frum.


Check out: Skep's tips

welcome! we are here for you. i joined only 2 weeks ago and i am proud to call gye my family.

Shalom aleichem, Winner!

Welcome to this great, geshmake community of bnei aliya.

I've learned so much during my few short months here.

Stick around. Make yourself comfortable.

Looking forward to getting to know you more.

Welcome! Like it's been mentioned already, don't view this as your last chance, rather as your first. It's a journey and we're all here for you to help each other. Hatzlacha raba, and keep posting.

Welcome and thanks for your beautiful post! Your problem is not uncommon. Stick around, check out some of the links in my signature, keep posting. Many have been helped here, you can be too!

Welcome Winning!!

I love the name, firstly because it reminds me of my childhood favorite......Winnie!! (one of Tz's favorites as well) But mostly because it's not "winner", we don't come out on the other end in this battle, it's a day to day, minute by minute, experience we are constantly winning, but never have we won!!

Your story is really not uncommon. I relate to a lot of what you wrote including finding marriage harder.

It's a great place here, it can really change your life...again!!

Keep on Posting!!

Winning wrote:


Two comments.

1 I guess it was your last shot, for we never heard from you again....I think.

2. What you wrote in the middle.....actin' out is takin', while intimacy is givin'. Extremely profound.

Some would ask: But who are you takin' from?

I can relate quite a bit to what he wrote. Thanks for bringing it back. Too bad we can't bring the fellow back .