I already posted this on the ssa forum but i dont want to be excluded from everyone else, so i am posting this here also.

ok here goes... I hit puberty young, when i was 10 yrs old. For a solid 2+ yrs i was attracted to woman. During 7th grade i was masturbating a lot to women, it really got outta hand. I tried 2 stop but i couldn't, i knew i was doing something wrong b/c i read halachos about masturbating from an english kitzur shulchan aruch. Also during those years my relationship with my father gradually went from rocky to terrible b/c i was developing an attitude and arguing with him a lot. Probably b/c of that i recognized the "love" in gay relationships (this is unconscious obviously) and i started reading about gays in the newspaper. Eventually i got hold of an ipod touch and searched "gay sex" on youtube, that was my first venture into porn, albeit softcore. Fast forward and I end up seeing real porn on my own computer and im hooked. From 8th grade till 12th grade yom kippur it didn't stop. (i started seeing a therapist at the end of 11th grade, i was severely depressed at the time, was having suicidal thoughts). B"h i had an amazing 12th grade and really got back on track. However I couldn't stop looking at pornographic images (not videos) through 1st year b"m. My masturbating habits got much less but I couldn't get rid of it, also I was frustrated b/c my sexual attraction hadn't changed and i was in therapy. Additionally i got in the habit of calling phone sex lines and did it constantly. A couple months ago i had access to unfiltered internet and i watched porn after not watching for a while. That was when I realized i need 2 take the next step and outsource b/c i couldn't control my impulses. I started going 2 an addiction therapist and he recommended this site.

so here i am

anything helpful anybody wanna add?

WELCOME!!!!!!!!!!!

Great job going to a therapist!

Check out: Skep's tips and the GYE Handbook

yes
stick around.
read the handbook.
download the whitebook.

is there anyone safe you can talk to?

b'hatzlachah

Welcome Shlomo,
I know that I cannot help other than to say that gye is the best group to share and learn and break isolation. There are so many wonderful people here who help me so much. Welcome home!

welcome shlomo,
great to have you here. it takes courage to try something new. looking forward to hearing more from you. and may you find what you are looking for.

Welcome!!!!

Great advice from the therapist to send you here.

Stick around and make yourself comfortable. We are all waiting to see you around and sharing with each other.

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!!

Shalom aleichem, Shlomo!

Glad to hear that you're taking quite a few steps for your recovery. We never know who/what will be the right shliach to help us. Great that you're reaching out.

Thanks for posting here. (besides, the ssa board is a bit quiet.) There's no reason you shouldn't share your struggles openly in the same way as everyone else does (in general terms of course, without triggering info). I imagine it can be therapeutic just feeling part of a common struggle facing us (humanity?) all. The common denominator here is that we're all sick and need help returning to sanity!

And looking forward to GETTING chizuk from you too!
You're one of us.

כתיבה וחתימה טובה.

welcome aboard!!!
Use the forums as a place to get things off your chest. Tell us how you are feeling even on struggle to struggle basis.
It will feel relieving and you will get real solid support and advice from people who have been in your shoes and from those that still are.
We are all in this together.

Thanx so much guys. ur all awesome! i really appreciate the positive attitude that everyone has. ya its kinda comforting 2 b part of a group that is in it together. also the fact that no one is judgmental or has any negative comments about addiction or ssa is excellent. obviously this issue is a very private one and for years i struggled all by myself. even now when people talk about ssa i keep quiet b/c i dont want 2 reveal anything. my parents do know about it though, i told them last year. however there are always times when people talk about "gays" and they say there sheetas on them that are total garbage. i cringe on the inside when that happens. for a couple years in high school i was made fun of and called "gay". obviously they didn't mean in but it really hurt on the inside. eventually that moniker was dropped but i still remember some of the more stinging insults. people have to realize that words actually hurt, even if they don't really mean it. additionally i was mad depressed at the end of 11th grade and i just received animosity and negativity from my family, no one actually sympathized with what i was going through.

being that it is elul and r"h is right around the corner, maybe ppl should take a look around them of who might be struggling and offer a hand to them. u may not be an expert, but support and love don't require certification. if u dont feel that u can do that, then maybe tell someone who the struggler respects that there is a situation going on, and that he/she needs help. i am personally in midst of that as a friend of mine is going through depression, i personally don't know how to treat it or what to do, but i made myself available to him. also i told a rebbi that he respects and who is someone equipped to deal with this.

on a more personal level, this elul zman has been very solid for me. i did slip up (my current streak is only 2 days) but i think the biggest area of improvement was the fact that i didn't get so down on myself after i slipped. i just tried to get back into it and continued fighting. i know that 2 overcome my struggle it will take a while, especially when i am not only dealing with sa, but also ssa. i am trying 2 take it day by day with the big goal (ssa and sa free) in the back of my mind. this site is really helpful because i feel like there's a voice out there who cares and i can share my feelings with u guys and u guys can actually relate with me. which is something that i didn't have until now b/c my psychologist never had the problems that i have, even though he is a great listener. i am finally getting that feeling that i am on the cusp of change, i need 2 keep fighting though.

if i could offer any advice, i would like to share a piece that i heard from r' zecharia wallerstein. he said that when we are facing a very large problem, it is impossible to overcome it by ourselves. what we have to do is show hashem that we are committed and we are going to take the 1st step. when hashem "sees" the effort that we put in, he will reciprocate and help us alleviate our struggles. if we try to "conquer the world" all by our lonesome, its not gonna work, simply b/c the task at hand is too large. however, if u ask hashem for help and work as a "partnership" with him, then anything can be overcome b/c he has limitless power.

k'siva v'chasima tovah. (hope the post wasnt too long)

Shlomo that was beautiful, and I love your attitude! The first part of your post brought tears to my eyes, but by the end i was smiling.

Keep on doing the right thing, day by day, and Hashem will help everything fall into place.

Oh, and there's no such thing as a post that's too long (you should see some of Dov's )

Welcome to GYE!!

It's great that you are here with a bunch of understanding friends, a first for many of us here (although I had one, only one, before joining GYE).

Looking forward to seeing you around!!

KOMT!!

WELCOME! Thank you so much for sharing. Yes, this is a warm non-judgemental group, and we are here to share our struggles and what is working (or not working) for us. We also goof off a bit which is also good. We tend to take ourselves way too seriously.

I have some good stuff in my signature. You can check it out.

Keep posting. Have a ksiva vchasima tova!

Welcome

u guys are really great. i have a question. usually when it comes to emotional health and/or acting out i am a roller coaster. for example a couple months ago i went the longest ever w/o masturbating, 5 weeks. however, one day i saw promiscuous images (on purpose) and my streak ended. then i spiraled. i did not recover from that until about a month later. i went from being on top of the world to feeling like garbage. what i dont understand is how that happens and also how do i deal with slipping up? how do i not feel like garbage? doesn't slipping up mean that the growth (in this case specifically) during those 5 weeks was fake? obviously i didn't turn a corner because otherwise i wouldn't have acted out! i know that you gotta take it day by day, and that is how i managed for 5 weeks, but eventually it just was too hard. isn't it natural too feel that way? usually whatever i say to give myself chizuk does not help b/c i cant hide from what happened right before. additionally i have a lot of stress when i act out b/c i am attracted to guys, so i feel even the etzem attraction is perverted, when i act out, even more so. regular guys who watch porn dont have to stop the attraction and stop acting out, u just have to stop acting out. i wish that i struggled with heterosexual attraction, u guys are lucky! after i do phone sex/ look at inappropriate things i feel disgusted to the core. i know that the aveirah is only for the action, not the attraction (there's no aveirah to have homosexual feelings) but it doesn't help. also i know that homosexuality is the sexuality of non-sexual things (u could do research if u want, great video called homosexuality 101 about the meanings of homosexuality) but that just adds wood to the fire that burns inside me when i actually slip, because i know that the sexual nature should be nonexistent. even when i am doing well i am always scared of the drop that might be coming, because i never do know when it is coming. b/c of the roller coaster i never know if i am doing well b/c of hard work or if it is just my natural cycle, just like i have lows, i also have highs.

You're thinking too much. Let go of the guilt. Focus on today.