It's not fun but I guess this is where everyone ends up when they hit rock bottom - talking about it and realizing that now is the time to get a grip on the situation.

Well I feel I've finally hit rock bottom.

I grew up in a Das Torah family but living in the 21st century means that noone is protected. From friends discussions as a kid to the local news shops displaying nude magazines, I grew up with not just knowing about the concept but experiencing being exposed to graphic material.

As the years went on it's gotten worse until finally r''l it got to a level that even shocked me. I understand this isn't necessarily the place for venting and revealing all but I really need help. It's time to do all the things I've been reading about on this website - the filters, sponsors, and big book discussions.

I'm crying and feel I have failed my entire kohol, my family and my Judaism which has been really on the up. I can't understand why, when a person is achieving such great things in the realm of doing good that his desires become so strong.

Thank you for sharin'
welcome to the club of similar stories.
while bein' graphic is not encouraged, bein' open about your struggles and issues in a decent manner is fine; read some of the other threads to see that.
What have you tried in the past?
Have you been successful at all?
What are your triggers?
Did you read the handbook and other great material on this site?

Lookin' forward to hearin' more.

b'hatzlachah

WELCOME!!!

if you desperate for change this might be the turning point, joining and posting and getting out of isolation is the first step in the right direction,

KUTGW!!!! looking forward to hearing from you in the near future!!!!

welcome dfc.
believe or not your story is not unusual. people just as frum and maybe even frummer have already been there.
about your last point.
if you don't mind me reminding something to you, that you already know.
zeh le'emos zeh. it is sometimes as a result of tremendous spiritual strength, that is where the yetzer hits.
also I think this site could be a great start for you, as it was for many of us, however a lot of us also use many tools and methods to the road of recovery. check out the front page. some of us go to sa meetings, and have a direct human connection. either way it may take a long time to thoroughly get where we want to.
join us
be'hatzlachah

WELCOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can see sadness, depression and despair in your post. I understand where you come from and I feel for you but you must realize that these emotions are killer. That right, if you keep feeling them you will continuously fall into a deep spiral of gloomy death. Its hard not to feel bad, but we must seek to separate ourselves from those emotions in order to live. Because really how has depression ever helped our situation? At least in my experience it has only made it worse.

Of course, immediately we won't be able to overcome these emotions, but we aren't asked to do it forever. Just for today. Just for right now.

KEEP IN THERE! KOT! KEEP ON TRUCKING!

Check out: Skep's tips

Welcome DesperateForChange!!

You are certainly with the right group, we are all desperate, if not, we wouldn't be here!!

First step is accepting that we have a problem, bravo!! You are now on the road, a road that seems to be a very long one, yet with plenty of good things on the way.

One thing that caught me was that when writing about what you failed, you didn't mention the one thing that most have found will really change them, that is...yourself. While I knew that I was going against everything out there that I thought I held dear, I didn't stop. It was only when I just couldn't live with myself any longer that's when I joined GYE and started changing for real.

How much does it bother YOU?

Don't be a stranger, we're all in the same boat here!!

Keep on Posting and KOMT!!!

welcome!!
Hashem has led you to the right place to work on this, great chevra great ideas and great tools to take the necessary steps. Many here have been in similar situations and even more far gone and with the help of these ideas and tools and one step at a time have come farther than they had believed possible

Welcome!

We're all in this together, Keep on posting!

Make sure to see the 12 suggestions on the First Time Here page.

Also, check out your Personal Home-page. It will guide you through each tool/task that we suggest, one by one, and help you track your progress in recovery.



One ho'ora:

DesperateForChange wrote:

This is healthy remorse.

DesperateForChange wrote:

This is unhealthy shame.


The yetzer hora is a cunning foe. It wants you to feel worthless, useless, a failure. This is not true. If Hashem wanted someone perfect, He would have created you perfect. He created you exactly the way He wanted you to be, an imperfect human who is capable of making mistakes, with the potential to grow from the pain of these mistakes into a spiritual giant.

Keep on trucking. Keep on posting.

Welcome, Desperate! Welcome, Change!

עמך אנוכי בצרה!

Keep sharing:

- It's therapeutic,
- We can empathize,
- We can provide feedback,
- You'll get (free!) advice,
- צרת רבים חצי נחמה,
- Most of all, I have found that just opening up changed my life.
Instead of destructively feeling that I must fix this all by myself since I'm so bad, by reaching out, I got tons of siyata dishmaya! Because אין חבוש מתיר עצמו מבית האסורים. We need each other!

Wishing you hatzlacha!

Welcome!

Just wanted to say that you sound like an amazing person, who happens to be struggling with lust. Don't let the Yetzer Hara make you think you're a bad person. One of his main weapons in our generation is the power of yiush. There are many people here who are listening to you, supporting you, and waiting to hear your next post. Don't despair just yet.

Kol Tuv,

Moish

WELCOME! There is a lot to learn here, so stick around. Don't be a stranger. We are all in the same boat. Many have been helped here.

Welcome to the club DFC.

Grab a seat and make yourself comfortable. You're among friends who care.

We are all here because our lives had become unmanageable (or were about to).

Was there something in particular that brought you here?

Eli

Leichter!
Panzer!

what a combo!
stand clear!

b'hatzlachah

Wow, it's awesome to get such a response from so many people. I hope to join in as many areas as i can on this site and hopefully reach 90. I can't even think about getting married until i'm clean at least 90 days. Or maybe not. Let me know what you guys think with regards to dating while 'under the influence' i.e. before 90 days.

@Cordnoy - I've tried in the past pretty much everything from shevuos to filters but after some time I got lax on those fences and thought 'id be okay' and then when lust struck I was back to square one - planning on how not to fall again. I need some sort of trick to keep going EVEN when everything seems fine.
The triggers range from wasting time on the internet and then when running out of things to do slowly shifting in the direction of the untznius and then falling. Or an extreme anger/depression shot that could do it. in general I'm a happy go lucky guy but sometimes it just hits.
I haven't read that much material on this site but am looking forward to starting to download some of the past shiurim.

@dd - thanks for the welcome! what's KUTGW?

@lavi - I'm seeing it more every day. the higher my regular life is in control and things running smoothly the higher the chance of untznius thoughts trying to get in. We need to realize that no matter how much we work on our relationship with HKB''H there must be that constant knowledge that it wont stop us from acting out and the addiction must be dealt with sometimes in a way that isn't 'Jewish'. Obviously Torah has a lot to offer which makes it probably ten times harder for a non-Jew to do teshuvah but the twelve steps etc.. have a lot to teach us as well. I will probably be joining a twelve steps group on the phone in the next few days.

@dms - I read your link,good stuff,i hope that I will be able to break free from the habits you just mentioned.

@Pidaini - that's a very interesting thought. Being okay with yourself is the problem. But everyone is okay with yourself or else you'd go nuts. We have an innate push to say: I'm okay even with all that bad stuff. I wonder how one can come to the realization that one is NOT okay and actually feel it. Please let me know what worked for you.

@kilochalu - thanks for the welcome I look forward from learning and discussing ways to grow. I think the only way I can truly do this journey is with a group of guys because it definitely has not worked until now!

@Dr Watson - I don't understand. there are thousands of people in our community and they're all doing fine. How have I not failed them by being one of the only guys falling off onto the side in this area.

@ineedchizuk - i haven't really gotten the therapeutic side to it but i guess that takes time

@big moish - I'm hearing a lot of times 'you're awesome'. I just don't see it at the moment. Maybe I'm awesome in other areas but at the moment in this area I can't deny being a loser.

@gibbor120 - thanks!

@really getting there - What brought me here was my realization that if I didn't have an addiction it would be UNIMAGINABLE to do some of the things I got up to, unfortunately...

Lots of stuff here.
it's difficult to address them all.
the real good thing I saw is the joinin' of the 12-step calls; that's important.

Keepin' us poted on a more frequent basis might be beneficial as well.

b'hatzlachah