WELCOME! Coming here is a great first step. Read the handbook, post on the forum. I highly recommend reading the shalom bayis thred (there's a link in my signature).

Recognize what your triggers are. Your wife being upset with you seems to be one of them (It's on of mine too). A lot of triggers are not physical, but emotional. Learning to deal with stress and disappointment in a healthy way is VERY important.

Do you have anyone you can talk to? A rav, a friend, relative, therapist. Talking openly an honestly is a very powerful tool for healing.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

WELCOME!

WHOAH! There is a lot going on in your story. Try to take a breath (in and out). Everything is going to turn out great!

Now that's your calm, you can start growing! A lot of excellent tips from the guys below. I recommend:
Skep's tips but stick around and please, try not to get to hard on yourself. What we did in the past is gone. We have to concentrate on what we can do on the present. We certainly are not bound by the past. WE CAN CHANGE!

Its great to have you: WELCOME TO GYE!

Welcome lostjew85!!!!

its great to have you here, and great that you came here,

i dont have much to add to what the rest of the chevrah posted,

i'm just here to say it again THERE IS A WAY OUT, take a deep breath and make yourself at home, the guys are amazing and lots to learn here,

one more point your not far from hashem in the least bit your just far from feeling his closeness,

KOTGW!!!

looking forward to seeing you around have a great shabbos!!!

WELCOME!!
you took the important first step of starting to open up
follow the great advice from the oilam here
and keep on posting!!

where did you disappear ????????

are you cheating on us????

(i don't really mean cheating i mean hiding)

waiting to hear from you!!

you made the first step go for the second!!!KOMT!!!

Here I am stuck In a bad situation, exactly one of my triggers... But instead of looking at xxx sites I'm posting here. Last night my wife and I planed a trip, she made lunch and packed it all so we can leave early 8:30 am. First kid woke up 7:30 and that's when I woke up too I got dressed and went to davening at 8:000 and left dovening early do I can be home by 8:30. My wife tried to get my kids ready but it was hard with a three year old and of course it wasn't ready. My wife keeps blaming me for being late... Because she prepared lunches... Packed everything. And I easrnt ready exactly when she wanted to leave I was ready 20 minutes later. She got angry at me, she yelld at me in front of my kids. And refused to go on the trip. Ok... I tried to explain to her that I thought 8:30 meant she wants to leave early and I would help from 8:30 after davening to get everyone out. We would have been out by 9:05. But she wast too angry and did not want to listen. I then took my kids outside to do some yard work since we were not going anyway. Suddenly at 10:00 my wife comes out packs tge car take the kids and leaves me in the house. She won't talk to me only yell. So first of all now I'm home alone knowing I have an angry wife. This is bad. 15 minutes later my wife text me " this is your last chance to get your act together" ok... So I came out to the car and I asked her where are we going ( knowing she probably did not want the original plan since for her it was too late) she didn't answer me. I started to drive and she had her gps on so I just followed. It took me in a circle back home. I asked her again where are we going? She said I don't know. Now I didn't want to make any decision that would make her angry. So I told her I'm just going inside the house until she can make up her mind. She than came in and yelled at me....... At the end she asked me to leave the house forever... I can't stand that she gets so angry, even if she's correct she is inflexible... This gase happened throughout our marrige. Now if you'll say go to therapy... She refuses to go. So I'm stuck. And this is a trigger for me. I feel lonely, hated and put down by my family for either minimal or no wrong doing at all.

Also very important to know. Wy wife makes it clear to me that I don't matter. So how can I ever think about saying the truth. She will crush me for ever. She'll say I'm dumb and ask for a divorce.

Wow, I feel for you, that sounds really hard. I don't think I could stay sober with that going on and I take my hat off to you for your efforts.

As soon as I read the words "So I told her I'm just going inside the house until she can make up her mind" I just knew without reading further that she burst into the house and yelled at you. I think anyone would have at that point. I'm guessing she slammed the door on her way out and was crying as soon as she was out of sight.

I know that whenever my wife is angry at me I tend to talk very softly, as a facade of my rational nature and immeasurable patience. It doesn't work, she gets angrier, she can tell it's just another method to get what I want.

That's not to say this is your fault, I have no idea. I do think it's important to remember that she has a lot of hurt feelings too.

In terms of therapy, have you ever gone by yourself? She doesn't want to go but as R' Twerski writes, the one in pain goes to the doctor. It does sound like you're in a lot of pain.

Sorry.

Tough stuff.

We are rootin' for you.

b'hatzlachah

I have gob myself but she asked me to stop waiting our money. And she said she won't talk to me or trust me if I go

I went to therapy 2 years ago for about 10 sessions. He said I'm an angry person. And that I needed to work on that. I have changed since. I know there more work to do but I'm all alone here she won't do a thing. In fact even if I will get help she will shut me out more.

Sometimes I feel like Hashem put me in this marriage because of all the aviros I did. And this is my punishment.... A rotten marrige. But there is only so long I can take this. In fact many times the punishment is the cause for more acting out

Lostjew85 wrote:


She may have to see progress with her own eyes before she'll be happy you went. She calls it a waste because she didn't see any results. Things don't happen overnight, with consistent work with a therapist she'll start to see how things can get better and she might slowly begin to trust that the money is being well spent.

You seem worried that she'll trust you less. Forgive me, but is that a genuine concern? It sounds like you don't have anything to lose in that respect.

It's unfair that you should do the work and she doesn't. The purpose here is to sort out how you feel and to get to a point of being happy, despite what your wife does or doesn't do.

The point is simply that you are in pain and you don't want to be, so you need to see the doctor.

Not her. You. She might also need to see the doctor for her pain, but that is not your concern.

Does your Rav know about any of this? I think a long chat with him would be the appropriate starting point.

My Rov is overseas. I don't really have anyone local. I don't want to talk to my Rov. He'll just say go for help. And I don't want to go for help. I don't think that help will do much for me. Unless I add my therapist to my payroll for good.

Marrige should be a partnership where both partners matter. I can't suppress my feelings and say I'll be happy no matter what she does. If she won't consider me or think about me then this can't work. I want to do what's best for her but she must communicate and tell me what she wants. I don't want to let myself down while I take care of her.