My addiction started as a young teen materbating. Then on night after watching a movie with graphic seens I ran to a hotel that had prostitutes. I slep with a prostitute and from then on I waisted loads of money on these prostitues for many months. I felt terrible that my firs sexual interaction was a prostitute. I still fe bad abou it. I grew up a bit and baisicly kept masterbating but cut out prostitues. Then I got married... We had some Shlomo bayt issues. My wife was always angry with me and did not want to have sex when I wanted. I always tried to talk things true but there was a lot of anger. At that point I started masterbating again thinking that I will Controll my sex life not my wife. This spirolled in to more resentment and eventually I started looking a prostitues again. I the fell in to the trap and slept with a prostitue. I felt terrible... And made a shevua NEVER again. It's been 3 years now and BH that part never happened again. Close but not again. Things got better at home. However when my wife gets angry with me I feel a good outlet by looking at porn and materbating. Of course I regret it a minute later. I can go 3-4 months clean but then I fall again. I'm very sad about my past I feel like a cheat... I'm also depressed that i can't get out of my situation of looking a t porn. And the biggest problem I'm having latly is other woman that I talk to NOT JEWISH! About my situation at home when it goes bad then they offer sex. I always say no but I was very close to getting in to bed many times. Help h very lost Jewish sol. I'm in tears very far away from Hashem. Hope you can understand the post as my thoughts are not organized

Welcome to GYE!!

I am sure this is a big step for you, as opening up is a big step in this new journey!!

Have you spoken to anyone about your struggle? Does your wife know?

There are some people that post once and disappear, stick around, there is a lot to learn and it won't come in a day. It will only come through you posting and sharing and the rest of the chevra doing the same in return.

Keep on Trucking!!! Keep on Posting!!

Welcome to the group.

Many of us are in or were in similar situations.

There are many tools on this site to help with recovery.

Like Pidaini said, "It will not happen with one post and one day; it will take time."

it also will take effort.

We look forward to hearin' more from you in the days to come.

b'hatzlachah

I did not tell anyone about this. This is my dark side I was always hoping it will just go away. Where do I start?

Thank you for your support

Look around; stay around; stick around.

Take it all in.

don't make any rash decisions.

There are different methods here; see what resonates with you.

Some of us - our wives know; some - do not (like me).

Read the other threads to see whose story might be similar to yours.

We are all in this same boat; many floors, many chambers...no two are the same.

b'hatzlachah

lostjew

hey like the other posts i encourage you to hang around explore this site and the guys here. I have had major problems with p-m and am getting lots of inspiration here . Of course g-d is a big part of it . I am on day 21 of being clean and you can be also hang in here

ewards

Welcome,

We all have a dark side, and it definitely won't go away on its own. It takes work and trust in G-d. But if you follow through and have a desire to be clean, then you can succeed.

Best of luck on your new journey. Remember, the rest of your life starts today.

Thank you all for the kind words. I think this is a great group. I slots feel like I'm in he'll meeting with my fellow sinners! Execpt there is no suffering yet. I hope we can all have a seccesful tsuva so we don't have to meet in gehinom. Whom ever is the founder of this group will be very much rewarded in the next world, you are doing hashems work

We try not to view ourselves as sinners though.
That is usually counter productive.

Some people (myself included) don't bring up the topic of teshuva and gehinnom either.
we have known that for years, and it hasn't prevented us from abstainin'...why should it now?

You can bring it up; there are no rules prohibitin' it....just sayin what works or doesn't work for me.

KUTGW!

b'hatzlachah

Dear 85th Jew,

Although we each have our unique struggles, we're all in this together here. Personally, the chizzuk I've been getting from the great guys on gye has changed my life! Hope your experience will be similar. I very much relate to using the release of acting out to sort of 'get back' at my wife or others, although of course, it's me who feels worse after.
My heart goes out to you. I'm hearing someone who has enough experience to know that as painful as recovery may be, and as long as it takes, it'll be worth it!
You've taken a giant, courageous step today. The other steps in the journey of recovery are mostly tiny (But not easy).
May you walk that journey until 120. Then, hopefully, us group of fellow strugglers will have meetings in Gan Eden!

hi there lj85
there is method used by rabbeinu yona. the day you decide to change. throw all your past in a box. you are being born a new. look forward to the future and picture yourself the guy you want to be.
of course there will hard work. but if you mean it. and you try. you can do it
and we "gyes" got a special table in heaven.

Hi LJ85,

Welcome you to the chevra.

Here's the good/bad news: There's no magic that will help, but if you are willing to work hard you will have a much better chance to merit Hashems help.

For starters, what situation are you in when you fall? The regular teshuva process is good for recreational sinners, not for habitual sinners.

Step one needs to be get out of the environment that makes you sin. (Rabeinu Yonah says that someone who is "aduk in cheit" needs to do "azeivas Hacheit" first, before vidui, charatah, kabbalah al ha'assid)

For example if you use a unfiltered computer for porn, get a filter an monitoring software. (This will not solve your root problems but will help get you started)

Eli

Hello Lostjew85


Want to welcome you

You came to the right place these people are great here you will get as much support as you need.

welcome lostjew,

I have been where you are to some extent. From the little you wrote, it doesn't seem that you are looking at your wife and your marriage in the way Hashem intended. I didn't either. I was on the brink of divorce until by the grace of Hashem, I called my sister (who's gone thru divorce) and she recommended "The Garden of Peace" by rav Shalom Arush, shlita.

That book was a slap in the face. I realized I had entirely wrong conceptions and ideas of what a marriage is, how my wife and I are supposed to relate, etc.

The best thing you can do is to try and admit that the way you have been running your marriage has not been working. Try working with The Garden of Peace. I've seen miracles in the way my marriage has improved. Things he writes about in the book happened exactly as he said they would to the letter.

But the real key is that when you work on your marriage and decide to "behave better," to try to act and think towards your wife according to what the book says. don't do it expecting your wife to change. Just do it because you believe its the way Hashem wants you to behave.

A lot of people give to their wives, expecting in return, sex, a smile, no more fighting or yelling. But the truth is you need to learn to be a giver to your wife just because Hashem wants you to be a giver. People keep Shabbos and kosher, despite the costs and restrictions even though they do not see how Hashem rewards them for those behaviors. Likewise, be a giver to your wife, not expecting anything from her, but just because you want to please Hashem. Just like the rest of the mitzvot.

Hatzlacha! I wish you the best from the bottom of my heart. Don't forget Hashem loves you! When you feel bad over your actions in the past, guilty, depressed, sad etc, thats the Yetzer Hara. Just say to yourself, "Hashem loves me!" over and over until youre smiling with the realization that its true. :-)

welcome to GYE!!!

very courage's of you to look for help, you are one step in head of the game and in the right direction, as we all on gye know so clearly only once i begin to realize that my life has become unmanageable continuing in my behaivors am I ready to make change and start figuring out my triggers and stressers and temtation and really be ready to give up the gutta schora on the streets. cuz we really cant live with it no more. its just we have this feeling that we cant live with out it either. so here you are with the chevra to get chizzuk that you can live with out it. so look around on gye and keep on posting and see what you can relate to.

you seem to have hit that unmanageable stage, keep on posting and you will get to know yourself a lot better.

keep on smiling you did a great move by posting.

keep on posting