Eli:

I don't think I'll ever be "over the hump". That would mean letting my guard down which I can never do.

I hear ya, there is no "over the hump" with this.

I do think there is a point where we really do say "this is it, I will not retreat" to ourselves and really mean it, fully cognizant of the consequences of failure.

In my case, when I told her I was looking for an easy way out of that part. "I'll tell my wife and she'll keep her eye on me and that will help me stay straight." Which was really just an extension of what had gotten me in the situation -- failing to take responsibility for my own actions and looking for the easy fix.

I was "over the hump" many many times over the years. Each time I cried bitter tears assuring myself that I would now be a Baal Teshuvah never to return to the ways of my past. And then one day in a weak moment I slipped. And once again I cried bitter tears etc. etc.

I knew that with the best of intentions this was working. So I signed onto the 12 step program, have a sponsor, and fully know that each day I am at risk. But so is everyone else whether they have done an Aveivah in the past or not. Life is filled with challenges. These Neyonos are getting tougher each and every day. All of us need to keep giving and receiving Chizuk from each other which is what GYE is all about.

i once into heavy debt. at first i was convinced that as soon as i hit 10k that was what Hashem wanted from me- to stand up to such a nisyon in bitachon and then it would work out.
then came 10k and i figured hashem wanted me to reach the level 0f 20k and then it would work out.
then 50, then 100, then much more.
and then when i gave up trying to figure when Hashem planned to have it work out and just focused on bitachon eventually things bottomed out. (it was a rough bottom) and then started picking up.
just focus on the nisoyon one day at a time and eventually Hashem will say, "you did it"
and then he will bring you to your next nisayon in life.
when you are all finished with all the nisyonos, then you get to rest in peace (תרתי משמע)

I work hard at my job and put 40 hours of work a week into it.

I decided to run a time log of the amount of time I was "involved" in my addiction. It turned out that I was "investing" at least 20 hours a week minimum, many weeks it was up to 40. Sapping my strength and creativity.

I told my SA sponsor about my "study" and he asked, "Are you counting the time you feel depressed after acting out?" I wasn't.

Today I felt very weak, its Friday in Israel and everyone is out having fun. I work US days and hours, so Friday is a half work day until Shabbat. I felt sad that I had to work and thought about acting out briefly, but then I came to this site and read some literature.

Acting out is a trap that brings no reward, neither in this world or in the world to come.

I don't think I welcomed you Asher. Thanks for sharing. Truly inspiring!

Acting out kills our Olam Haboh AND ruins our Olam Hazeh. It's completely insane to acct out. Yet for momentary pleasure people do this over and over. Each moment of each day that we successfully fight these Nisyonos we are getting stronger in our Avodas Hashem. And Mitzvah Goreras Mitzvahs. Have a good Shabbos all.

Hi! I am inspired from all of you as well!

Asher....??

How goes it?

My hunch is that you are as strong as ever, but what about us?

Lookin' forward.....

unanumun wrote:



urggghhh. morbid.
i have seen it written that Hashem can grant someone life in this world as a reward too, and this can be nisayon free, it is a reward to enjoy, or to take more mitzvos with you.

happy ending for all of us

Each & every day is another battle. Today's success does not assure tomorrow's success. Today's failure Chas Vesholom does not assure tomorrow's failure. Each and every time I pass a woman on the street or in a store is another Nisoyon. Each and every time I encounter a Nisoyon is another opportunity to do the right thing. To avert my eyes and remember that this is a Nisoyon that I can and must withstand. Mitzvah gorerres Mitzvah. Aveirah gorreres Aveirah. Let's keep giving each other Chizuk. Thank you all for providing me with Chizuk throughout the year. I wish you all a year of strength, Teshuvah, and passing the many Nisyonos that will be sent our way.

not sure what happened here, but at least Asher is back.

How goes it?

I rarely look or post on GYE. Maybe I should do so more often. Each day is a struggle. Boruch Hashem yesterday was a victory. So was the day before, and the day before that etc. Now I am working on today. Let's daven for each other.

What steps are you taking to recover?

12 step program is amazing. I speak often to my sponsor. When I am ready and eager to do an Aveirah, I ask myself if this is really worth it. Is this really worth losing my Olam Haboh for? Will I still feel the same way 24 hours after doing the Aveirah? It's often a combination of these thoughts and my speaking to my sponsor that works. And of course the best thing is to start actually speaking out loud to Hashem. I ask Hashem to clear my mind. I tell Hashem that I want to serve him properly and need him to clear my mind in order to do so. I tell Hashem that I am helpless without him.