Shmeichel wrote:


Actually there's a similar concept in Gemara Brachos 57a:

הבא על אשת איש בחלום מובטח לו שהוא בן העולם הבא וה"מ דלא ידע לה ולא הרהר בה מאורתא
(for translation, please refer to Artscroll)

excellent
so go on and thank hashem for giving you that dream
and also at the same time ask him to please never give you such challenging dreams again!
controversial, no?

Wet dreams in your case are of no consequence.

KOT!

So Last week I went on a three day vacation with my wife and took the opportunity to share with her all my struggles and the world of gye that is such a part of my life.

(Before I continue I will just make a disclaimer that I am not suggesting anybody tells their wife. It is a very sensitive topic and each person has to make the decision based on his own situation and relationship with his wife, and after discussions with reliable people that he trusts, as was the case by me.)

I told my wife the first night of the vacation and she took it very well. We spent the next two days discussing everything almost non stop and then continued more discussions after we came home thursday night and through shabbos.
By now, I have shown her most of what I posted on the forums with minor censoring. It really was able to give her an understanding of what I have been going through for years. (She came home one morning this week from bringing the kids to school and said to me "you know something I never really realized how the street is so packed with woman")
It has been a very positive experience for both of us. She was happy that I waited till I was clean for so long before opening up, and so am I.

Some random points that I would like to share:

• From the outset I made it very clear that she had been the normal one all along and it was my sickness that caused my acting out and frustrations between us. I repeated this point again and again over those few days. And I meant it, so she also believed it.
• Many issues between us relating to our intimate life over the course of our marriage (which had been a beautiful marriage since the beginning) came up and were discussed at length.
• She was finally able to understand what I was always annoyed about over the years when she wasn't available for me. She shared with me how she always felt when I was frustrated and together we came to a clear understanding of each other's feeling over the last 15 years. Basically she always felt that she could never satisfy me enough and now she understood that it wasn't a problem with her, rather it was due to my strong addiction (or whatever it was) to lust.
• We both really feel that many barriers between us have been removed and for the first time since shana rishona our relationship is completely opened and honest. We really renewed our relationship to such a deeper level and feel like newlyweds (and the intimacy has intensified accordingly)
• At first she had a bit of a hard time with the fact that I share so much private information with all my friends on GYE through the forums and private correspondence. But after reading some stuff and seeing the chizzuk I received, as well as through open and honest discussion, she has come to see my relationship with all of you as group therapy. (she does prefer that in our conversations I refer to the oilam as my therapy group and not as my friends, as I tended to refer to you guys. But even "friends" is starting to become more comfortable for her.
• Since we opened up, we have become very open about what our intimate expectations are. (I keep telling her that she is in charge and I have no expectations. ) We have spent time cuddling without actually doing anything more by choice, probably for the first time since we got married.

I would say more but I just remembered that this is not in the BB section so I hope that what I wrote until here is ok. (If not, that's what the moderators are here for)

I really feel that opening up to her has brought my recovery to completely new levels.
In a certain sense I feel that I have actually reached the point that I am fully recovered. Reading through my previous writings with her I have really come to see how much my outlook has changed through the course of the last 300 days.
I know that I can never be sure that I won't relapse but I hope and feel that between staying in touch with the chevra and being open and honest with my wife, and the Ribbono Shel Oilam's help, I will be able to move only forwards.

So wonderful to hear. I'm glad it went well. You are on a high now, and it should continue. But, it can get tough again, so please don't let your guard down.

Thanks for sharing - my friend .

GEVALDIG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow. Just wow.

I'm so glad that things worked out in a positive way. May it continue getting better and better.

dear una,
i am truly happy for you. and i would like to echo all of the above sentiments,
i also feel that maybe it would be good to add, that if chas v'sholom you do slip again, think very carefully about sharing it,
in as close as we are to a spouse, there is always a certain amount of acting that goes into a healthy marriage,
and please daven for the rest of us, esp, those who are [feel]stuck

Today I came to realize that lustfull thoughts will always be a part of me.
I was in a bad mood today and the slightest trigger got me thinking.
Baruch Hashem I was able to move on quickly but it was definitely a rude awakening

yup

Bad mood is one of the biggest triggers. That alone was a BIG realization for me.

Yeah. Bad moods, people being annoying, situations which seem out of my control: those are triggers. Acting out is a proxy for controlling those things that bother us and defy our will.

I see that it has been over two months since i updated my thread. (probably that amount of time since i signed in. I do get all the new posts as emails so I am more or less caught up with what is going on here. Welcome to all the newcomers. Happy to see that so many guys have found their way to GYE.)

In the meantime, I have reached the one year mark with the help of Hashem and all his wonderful shluchim here on GYE.

I am doing well. Mostly lust is off my mind. (I do have to be mechazek myself a bit in shmiras eynayim though) My marriage has been raised to a completely new level since I opened up to my wife.
It has helped be to understand myself better and deal with those things that were causing me to lust, in a much more solid and deeper way.

I have had a difficult time with things the last few days, but I took tremendous chizzuk that this situation would have send me down the proverbial rabbit hole. This time around, I came no where close. which makes me realize even more so, how much I have grown in the last year. My nisyonos during these last few days have been in the areas that i have starting working on once i got my lust under control. So even though I fell back a few notches I had enough of a buffer zone that I didn't get anywhere near lusting.


Thanks again to everyone. KOT!!!!

Mazel Tov!!! KUTGW!!!