Machshovo Tova wrote:


The truth is that at the time I was thinking that I really have to start working on not lusting at all (if it is possible). I realized that relying on my wife to keep myself from lusting won't really work in the long run and it won't be good for shalom bayis.
I woke up this morning a bit annoyed at her. I slipped and said to her "Do you think that sometime in the next six months you can find a night that you can stay up until I come home?"
But the truth is she took it pretty well (I guess i didn't say it in such an attacking tone as I meant it) and apologized and something was worked out.

I don't know really how it is possible to pass dozens of women in an hour that are dressed pretty suggesting and not have it affect my mind. There are probably two general ways, either train myself to not look at all or to not have it affect me. or maybe both at the same time.
The good thing is that I am not in the situation so often but the hard thing is that when it comes up it is hard to deal with it.

Another thing crossing my mind as a ramble on randomly, is that the difference between what I usually see and what i was exposed to yesterday is that what i regularly see is really nothing to get excited about unless my mind warps it. like tznusdike women and stuff. so if my mind is in a stable matzav, it is fairly easy to deal.
But with the stuff i was seeing yesterday, the mind didn't really have to do anything. boom. boom boom. the sights got the mind going. I don't know what to make of it really, just throwing some stuff out before i call it a night.

Thank God she took that well.

Lucky you're not in my class.

Good job on getting through the nisayon! However, ultimately we need to train ourselves not to look or we'll lose it at some point...

I know one guy who made a shavuah for 2 weeks to give $20 to tzedaka every time he took a second look at something triggering, or looked for more than 3 seconds... It really worked well for 2 weeks.

When the 2 weeks were over, he decided to wait and see if he needed to make the shavuah again or he could keep it up on his own, without the shavuah... And lo and behold, he was able to keep it up without the shavuah because his yetzer hara knew that the minute he would start slipping again he would anyway make the shavuah

unanumun wrote:

I find that when this is my thought process, I am just white knuckling. I think the ultimate goal is to train ourselves not to notice that there are "dozens of suggestingly dressed women passing every hour." Of course, we will notice some of them, and the goal then is to not look, so that it will not affect us. But when I have to concentrate on not looking at each and every one, I'm basically headed for disaster.

First of all I am honored to finally have the guard comment on my comment.

And I think you brought up a good point for me at the right time. I have seen the 3 second rule and not looking a second time, brought up but it was never really nogeya to me.
I think the time has come. I don't know if I will do a taphsic but I have to start thinking along the lines of such clear cut rules. thank you

I just don't know anymore. Maybe i have to go back to step one and acknowledge that I am stuck with this lust thing forever. who knows? I guess it doesn't really make sense to give up now.

So what is stopping me from switching web sites right now? Not sure.Maybe I grew. Maybe since I broke the habit already it is too big of a step to go back to porn. and that is stopping me.

But as i write this, i am thinking that of course, the general sadness, depression, overwhelming, and lack of control of my life are the clear things that I identified as causing me to fall in the past. (Add to it that I haven't really opened a sefer lately) So of course since that is what I am feeling now, of course i want to just escape back into P&M land.

So what is going to stop me? well right now I am hanging out here and getting out of isolation to a degree. but the rest of the day? Hashem YAazor. I guess i will focus on one hour or minute at a time.
Have a good shabbos and thanks for being here so I can put my thoughts into words.

Thank you for sharing!!

Posting is great, and as you know, talking is even better!

It doesn't look like you're getting very bent out of shape about your mood, and I just want to reinforce that position. It happens to the best of us (meaning me). Sometimes there are things that happen to cause it that we can't control, not opening a sefer in a while isn't always completely our fault, yet we do miss that geshmak.

As dms writes, I need to just take a deep breath and smile. I may have had better days, but this is just fine if this is where it's at right now. Just keep my head on straight, be ready for the bumps, and KOT!!

Thanks for sharing and letting me share!!

We are listenin' and we are here for you.

We miss your tough insightful posts....even your thinkin' ones.

And regardin' your depression and stuff, here is a reminder from the Whitebook:

Typically, sex with ourselves or others starts us off, and just as in other addictions, it dissolves tension, relieves depression, resolves conflicts or provides the means to cope with a difficult life situation or take an action that seemed impossible before. Whatever form our sexaholism takes, it has the apparent effect of reducing isolation; easing lack of emotion, loneliness, and tension; and of gaining power or providing escape.
This new-found "friend" not only seems to reduce our inner conflict, boredom, and negative emotions, but also offers us fusion, validation, and a false sense of aliveness. As a matter of fact, all of these effects are false or at best only temporary. What seems to promise life is really taking away our lives.

b'hatzlachah

unanumun wrote:


It's good that you are identifying the triggers... That is why we need something like the 12-Step program to help us deal with the "bumps" of life without resorting to our drug...

Also, the TaPHSiC method is great at helping hold us back when we feel like you feel now... It gives us some serious reasons NOT to act out when we seem to have forgotten what's there to hold me back

Listen to this audio and read these 3 pages.

Maybe its a good idea to refresh yourself with Skep's tips

Remember one day at a time

unanumun wrote:


dear una,
i really hope you get the inspiration and momentum to keep on shtaiging. one idea, that has worked for me, is making positive goals to reach, that means something is learning or in mitzvos, or even a secular project, to get a little busy,
i think that even if one has already reached a place, where he is not in the immediate danger of falling, lust doesn't rest. either because the yetzer keeps on working, or some other explanation, but staying in one place and "treading water", is essentially waiting for trouble to hit. i know that this may be a bit controversial or maybe pressurizing for some, but the way i feel is you need to give yourself positive energy, by accomplishing things, as well as good defenses against lust. kind of some "sipuk".
i hope this helps you, but if it doesn't, please ignore.

To begin, I am truly honored that my earlier post made it to the daily chizzuk emails yesterday although unanumun (without a name). The timing for me was real perfect and it gave me tremendous chizuk to receive it. Thanks Guard.

Well last night was really tough. I have been slowly dropping levels. I even ended up watching like two hours of youtube videos yesterday. nothing too bad but had i had another hour or two i probably would have been a gonor. (Gee that made it through spell check. Interesting)
Also I was feeling very depressed yesterday. (which was why i ended up on youtube i guess) and when I came home, I said to my wife "I am feeling very depressed" her reaction was something along the lines of "oy vay. Pass the ketchup"
That made me even more depressed. I had a real ratzon to escape to porn and whatever goes with that. good thing I don't have a computer at home and my phone doesn't have internet access.
So as I laid down in bed feeling very depressed, lusting, and stressed, I decided to reach out. I sent out a bunch of emails to the oilam. I also chatted with one of the guys on google chat. Just the reaching out helped get things off my chest and calm me down. And I slept well. I woke up to alot of warm words from all the responses to my "screaming for help" emails. It really put me in a good mood, and warmed my heart.
Thanks to all of you out there. Words can't express my feelings for you and this wonderful website, and all i have gained by becoming part of this choshive oilam.

And by the way, I decided this morning that in the big picture, I am better off by the fact the my wife is not the source of helping get out of my depression but that is a separate post. Perhaps I will get around to it.

still not doing well. had a few good hours yesterday but then it went back to depression.
Right now the only thing that is keeping me from acting out is the connection to GYE. I was looking forward to making it half a year clean. Just need to go another two weeks till rosh hashana and i made it. i haven't really been counting days in along time but it is helping me now. so heck why not?
I had an interesting experience last night. Twice I saw women and looked away. not because i was working on lust and not because i felt that i had to look away or i would be in trouble.
I just nonchalantly looked away because that is what i am supposed to do. (Maybe because that is the halacha) I saw, looked away and carried on with what i was doing without any thoughts or fight going on in my mind. I guess that was a nice little blast of light in a dark tekufah.

So in the meantime hanging in there as best as i can.

Hi UNA!

Remember one day at a time! Just concentrate about now. Whatever has happened in the past little while, doesnt matter anymore. You can pull out NOW! All you have to do is say it: "I want out" and then GO! GET OUT!

Take a deep breath and move right along!

KOTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!

Dov would probably say that today is worth more than the last 6 months. After you breathe,just think about right now.