GEVALDIG TTWOM!!!!!

KUTGW!!!!!

Guys I need some help. I slipped, or fell probably. I was just flipping through the channels on the tv, not really watching anything when subconsciously I must have started to m*. Not to anything really, I guess just out of old habits that I realize I haven't broken yet. It has happened before, but I've always stopped before it went anywhere. This time I didn't stop in time. So as much as it hurts me, I just took myself off the wall of honor at 146 days clean. I have signed up for a new 90 days chart and will bezras Hashem be back on the the wall right after Rosh Hashana. I know that that shouldn't be the goal, but it’s a great motivator.
It sucks that I fell and there are many emotions running through me right now. I'm upset with myself that I fell, upset to have lost the streak (whatever that's worth!) but mostly because I wanted to have kicked the habit cold turkey and now I haven't. However, I still went 146 days! Longer than any streak in recent memory by a long shot, I still haven't looked at porn, so that part of sobriety continues. I also realize that I am only human, and because of that this fall, a fall of stupidity and boredom, makes me think deeply. In the beginning of my journey I would ask Hashem for 3 things every time I'd daven, sobriety, a job and a wife (at the right time). Recently I've noticed that this has stopped, I thought I had 2 of the 3 (sobriety and a new job) and I wasn't really focus on the third as I am very busy with work now. However, what He gives He can take, and I have to remind myself that those 146 days were a gift from Him as well as a sneak preview of what my life can and should look like. You know I thought that if I ever broke my streak it would really bum me out, but right now I'm strangely content with my life. I have a problem and I have to retrain my body and mind from all the subconscious mannerisms and things that I do without realizing it. It’s not easy by any means and I only hope and pray that I’ll be successful.
I also realize that even though I’m porn-free, I still have to be more careful of what I look at. Whether it be in TV shows/ movies or Facebook or anywhere else I may see devarim assurim. I guess the hard part is knowing how to draw the line. Where is the cut off where do I say this is the limit and no further? Is it a religious thing or is it across the board? When I first started with sobriety, I found myself hyper sensitive to any mention of sex, porn or masturbation. As my time sober progressed (and it was only a few months), I found myself determining boundaries for myself, like I can handle this, or only this is too far. But tonight has taught me that I have to be more careful with what I look at, even some pictures (non-pornographic) are too much. However, I still deal with an issue that many of us feel, we want to be normal, I don’t want to have to live with blinders on for the rest of my life. How do I find a level of balance?
Another thing that I am proud of myself for is my attitude towards sexualizing women. I never really had a problem with lusting after every female I saw, but working on myself these past few months as well as discussions with my therapist have taught that everyone is human, every girl is someone’s daughter/sister/mother. They are real people and we have no right to even think about them in any other way. (Those on the internet are another discussion, if you know what I mean.) I think that this has stuck with me. So although I have “fallen”, I have learned so much from my first 146 and wil continue to daven, work and do my best for the rest of my 120.

Dear TTWOM

My response to your post is


> I'M CRYING! <


I really really Am! It started as a rise of emotion, turning into to a tear at the corner of my eye, becoming a weak whimper, and then bursting the dams into a full fledged cry!!
As I write these lines, I'm crying for your struggle, I'm crying for MY struggle,
I'm crying for the strength of character which you showed after receiving such a hard blow, knowing that if I were in your place I probably would be a complete mess of despair,
I'm crying for the struggles of all our brothers, both those who have found their way here to GYE, and those who have not yet merited to find this treasure,I cry for the past, for the present, and for the future,
I'm crying in pain & sorrow,
AND
I'm crying in happiness & in praise,
First and foremost to Hashem,
pain and sorrow for falling so far from HIM,
and happiness and praise for His help in saving me from total loss,
And in pain and sorrow for myself and all our brothers who struggle and suffer so much with this challenge,
and praise and happiness for all the chizuk I get from being on GYE and reading wonderfully moving posts LIKE YOURS!!!

Whoah, a lot going on in your post. So first things first TAKE A CHILL PILL! Let's take a deep breath. Look, if you fell subconsciously it doesn't hurt. But really, movies and tv is really not the best idea for us (plus most of it is shtus anyhow)

You do need to be careful though but you also have to concentrate not on the days and more on living life. We fall and slip. It does happen. You must ask yourself why you are so upset that you fell? Is it the wall of honor?? Why do you want to be clean?

You mentioned you thought you kicked this habit. Sorry, but if you truly are an addict, them we can't. It's with us. We must always be careful. WE MUST ACCEPT IT! but don't despair, there's no point. It doesn't help. It actually makes us worse.

You did really well. You prove to yourself you can do it! Which is great but remember: one day at a time and we MUST be careful

Bhatzlacha. GREAT WORK! KOL! Keep on living!

Day 8. Here we go. Just plugging along.

10-4

Do you have a strategy?

dear trying,
thank you for the post, i agree with shvisi, your post is a heart opener as well as an eye opener, one thing if i may add, that works for me, is if i make a conscious effort NOT to to look at women, and this includes especially youtube and tv and all that "stuff" that gets thrown at us, then it is a good fence that helps keep away from the really bad "stuff".

Another fall. (After only 11 days.) I put that in parenthesis because those 11 days were a gift from G-D, but a big disappointment after my first run. But I'm done with dwelling on that. I need to figure out a way to get myself back on track. This past run wasn't the greatest and had too many slips and near falls. Too much of looking for "clean" lust hits, (if the filter doesn't catch it it must be ok) which we all know is just a load of garbage that the yh feeds us. I have to refocus and re-energize my avodas hakodesh and daven for His help. Its no wonder that the first night in a while that I didn't daven Maariv is the night I fell. Also have to work on getting up in the morning and davening with a minyan. Although my job allows me to wake up later, I still need to work on actually getting up at a decent time, this will help me fall asleep earlier at night, and not spend hours on the computer. I also paid the money I was m'nadev to give after reaching the WOH the first time which I realized that I had not taken care of. I am still committed to doing so again in another 90 days and this time B"H I'll take care of it right away. Now as we approach the 3 weeks it is a time for deeper personal reflection, our daily battles should be a force of good and help for our dear brothers in Israel who find themselves in a different type of battlefield!

Sorry to hear about your fall, and it's good to see that you are willing to try again, but my question still has remained unanswered....

What's the plan of action? What's going to be different this time?

Pidaini, I guess you question remained unanswered because I don't really have one. The only plan I have is to limit myself online, because that is when these falls have happened, late at night after being on the computer for way too long. Also restarting to read the chizuk emails, I've slacked off. As well as JSN, just saying no. Whenever the urge comes up, JSN and switch focus to something else.
I'm very much open to suggestions from anyone with one, so let me hear them, thanks gyes!

I think Yankel's earlier suggestion is perfect for you! Why don't you reach out to someone? A Rav or therapist, or friend. If not them, how about someone on Gye! Just chat some people up using the chat bar. Chatting with other people has helped me the most out of any single thing. We are so into ourselves, so lonely in cold, dark place. It's hard to make ourselves better when we are alone in a dark, place. Why don't you reach out to come out of this dark hole?

I had a 90, a 115 and then a 158.

will see a specialist this Tuesday.

I can handle the "in-betweens," but I know there is an elephant in the room.
That elephant will always be there.
Most of the time, I don't notice him.
He stays in his corner and lets me wander the room.
I am able to avoid the peanuts...usin' the tools I learned from therapist and the chevra and phone calls and SA group.
Every once in a while he extends his trunk and lets me know he's there.
I usually (in the past 13 months that is) tell him to go back to his corner where he belongs.
He obliges.

However, there are times when those peanuts are just too temptin', and I take the second and third look, or the second and third fantasy, and when that happens, he becomes very difficult to tame.

Last time, I used many of the tools I learned....I had victories, but ultimately, I gave in. there were a lot of positives and that makes me proud; I try not to remember much of the negatives (good thing I'm an elephant).

I am scheduled to visit a specialist this comin' Tuesday.
Hope they don't serve peanuts.....

b'hatzlachah

Just remember that you have a peanut allergy . oh, and don't forget your eppy pen.