Hi, after much deliberation I have finally decided to start posting. I don’t know what it will accomplish but hopefully it will help form the foundation that I am trying to build my recovery, and the rest of my life on. One of the reasons I have been so hesitant to start posting is I’m afraid of what I will actually learn of myself. I consider myself to be a pretty solid guy, with a decent connection to HKBH, but I have had this secret that has only recently come out that has forced me to look at myself in a new light, and I’m afraid of what I might see. I have had a problem with masturbation and porn for sometime now, and have finally taken concrete steps to fix the problem. I don’t want to call myself an addict, but I was “using” a little too much and it got a little out of control. As I write this I am now 43 days clean and still going strong. This is not the first time that I decided to stop, but this is the first time that I took serious measures and it is actually working. I apologize if this post seems a bit disjointed, but I’m really just typing what comes to mind and trying to have make sense. I guess I’ll leave it at this for now, I’d just like some advice on how to keep my mind out of the gutter when I’m on the computer, as I am on often for college or just stam, and I find that boredom is the biggest trigger I have. Thanks for listening,

Welcome to GYE!!

It's great that you are opening up, and ready to fave reality!!

I agree with you that it may be scary, but after all is said and done, it is the most liberating thing, no longer do I have to keep up the facade that I was living, always making sure that I made the right impression, to try and protect some fantasy that I am living in, I need to just be myself, how simple, how relieving!!! I promise you that whatever you may find the truth about yourself to be, it's great, and Hashem will love you every tiny bit that you think He loves you know, and chances are that you will actually be able to feel that love instead of just imagining it and trying to force yourself to see it!!

What measures did you take now?

How did you see that it was getting out of control?

Don't be a stranger, we're all in the same boat, all trying to serve and connect with, Hashem!!

Keep on Posting and KOMT!!!

welcome TTWOM!

i know exactly what you mean by not wanting to open up been there done that, but what i learned is thats one of YH biggest ways he wants to get us by telling us we are going to rid this on our own.

i think everyone here would say that opening up was the stepping stone to recovery.

so hang in there and share whats going on

KUTGW kol tuv!

Welcome!!!! Its nice to meet you!!!

Your post definitely makes sense and resonates with me.

tryingtoworkonmyself
Incredible!!!! For so long we have just wanted to stop but we have never actually stopped! Its important to remember that we just can't decide to stop. The stopping is only a byproducts of living life properly. Remember to take it one day at a time. Just concentrate on what you can do today!

Welcome to GYE and keep it up!!

Welcome TTWOM! Opening up is powerful. You are taking a step in the right direction. Keep reading and posting.

Welcome TTWOM! As you can see there is enough around here to keep you from getting bored.

Don't forget to make sure your commitment is followed action! (e.g. filters etc.)

Thanks guys for the warm welcome. I didn't get back right away because I've been busy trying to take care of something that came up. I realized that my problem was getting out of control when I was bored at work. the computers there did not have a filter, and in a moment of stupidity and non thinking, I pulled up a p* website on my desktop. I must have been looking for only a couple of minutes and felt the need to touch myself. My desk was in a corner and there was only one other person in the office. She ( a non-Jewish employee) must have seen something funny because she asked me what I was doing and I couldn't hide it fast enough. She got all freaked out, grabbed her coat and ran out the door saying "I'll see you in court!". I tried to apologize to her, but she wasn't listening. I let my boss (who was out of town) know what had happened, and later that day I was fired. That was probably the hardest day of my life. I immediately called my Rebbi, in tears and told him the whole story. The next phone call I made was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life, telling my mother. I was helped to realize that what I was doing was not normal even for a "regular" young adult.

I decided that I had to fix myself before I could move on in life. I had TAG install K9 and webchaver on my laptop. I had previously had K9 on but everyone knows that if you put it on yourself, it doesn't really help. I also started seeing a SA therapist that week who has helped me very much, to realize just what kind of poison I was injecting in my body. I was nervous at first about seeing a non Jewish female therapist, but I was limited at to the resources at hand, and decided to go for it. (She was recommended by a very well respected Frum therapist.) I told here about GYE and that I had signed up for the 90 day program and she encouraged me to post on the forums as well.

That's it for this post, I just wanted to put this part of my story out. I'll post more soon, hopefully.

wow!

we all feel for you thats a very sad situation you went through.

may that be the end of a sad chapter and from know on everything should go smooth be"h.

kol tuv!

Hi Friend

The first thing I want to say is : don't be worried about what happened at your former jobs,it was the will of Ha shem,not yours,It had to happened ,It was for your own safety.Sometimes Hashem made us fall just because we need a trigger to really start fighting.

I also did a terrible thing that convince me to stop (and then lead me to GYE.).A thing that you make realize you are sick and you need help.

You are seeing a therapist, I will be honest,this is my dream ! my biggest dream !

But it make me pointless, what can I say ? You are already seeing a professionnal !

By the way, one of my biggest issue is to manage boredom !! I used to spend all my free time browsing pornsite ! If you have any advice ,please let me know !

I also become unemployed since 3 weeks.

Wish you the best from france

welcome!
they should stay the 'hardest day' (maybe also the best day) and hardest thing' in your life
sounds like you are really taking serious steps, Hashem should help you to continue to go machayil el chayil!

Wow. I was in tears for you buddy BUTTTT then I had a smile on my face when i read what you did as a result. Look at you go!!!!!! Incredible work. Keep it up and stick around.

In my mind it goes to show how important a filter is but i highly respect how you bounced back!!

Hi Tzaddik,
I am crying for you along with some of my friends from GYE. We all care about you so much and are so happy that you have joined us here.
Please reach out to us individually or in your forum and we will all be there for you. My best defense, is offense. When I "speak" to you on this forum, I become strengthened. I know that I am just one "lustfest" away from getting caught in a very embarrassing and damaging situation myself. So your story pierced my heart.
Please snoop around here, explore all the wonderful resources, make friends, and I hope I will have the honour to be one of your friends here and we will climb together.
Your brother Yossel

Thanks for the share. It's quite a story. I'm glad you are working on it, and that you are on GYE to share with us.

ttwom - I wish there was more I could say. With the great chevra on this site I hope it only gets better from here. Feel free to PM or reach out...

Done! Sent! Looking forward!