Breath, I'm glad that reading my posts help you out. That is definitely one of the underlying ideas when I post. Its one thing just to get something off my chest or write down something I'm thinking about, but it makes it so much more worth it to know that others actually care about what I have to say and that it matters to them.

On that note, Hayom yom 82, shehaim so much longer than I would have ever thought possible. Looking back at what made this time different, how it has actually stuck for so long vs any other attempt to stop, a few things come to mind. 1st is filters, and done appropriately. I now have K9 that I have no access to, (set up by my local TAG office, those guys really do a great job!). I also have webchaver that sends a report to my father. I know some people don't like using fathers or family members for one reason or another, but its working for me. 2nd, I have you guys, the most interesting, vocal, diverse, loving, caring, debating and all around greatest group of guys. Its great to have a sounding board that I can just bounce ideas off of, and that people will actually read and discuss the jumble of thoughts that just roll out of my head. 3rd, KOT, KOP, and my own that I'd like to add (we'll see what the olam thinks) JSN, [JUST SAY NO!]. There may be times when I feel like what the heck? Why bother? Times when your hands just seem to have a mind of their own, or thoughts that are just knocking on your brain trying to get in, I tell myself, "Just say no!" Not now, not later, this is something I don't want in my life any more and I don't want to ever go back to where I was. Just like when you think of something that you don't have such taivos (desires) for, eg. chillul shabbos, eating treif et al., you tell yourself "NO" if such a thought pops into your head, I do the same thing here.

Thanks for listening!

I like it: JSN. It reminds us that we can fall anytime, anywhere. Once we get a nice streak going it could make us feel invincible but we must always remember that we are ALWAYS susceptible

Today is day 87. Looking back on the first day of my journey, I thought 90 days is not so hard, its just 3 months. How difficult could that be? Then it set in, its a long road. Not just that, but 90 days is just the 1st mile marker. I remember updating my progress almost every day, bumming out a little at how slow it was going (as if 90 days clean would help everything). I have come to realize that there is no quick fix, but I refuse to believe that there is no fix. It may take time, and a whole lot of hard work, but I will beat this. I refuse to be defined by my problem.

On another note, I have to bring up a topic that every single guy has questioned or thought about, DATING. I realize that there is no concrete answer, and everyone is different, and every case must be judged on an individual basis. I'm just asking what the general consensus is. I was in the parsha when my story happened, (see my earlier posts) and realized that I had to stop dating right away. But I was always desperate to restart, so after talking to my therapist, we decided 30 days sober before joined the parsha. That was 47 days ago. Since then I have said yes to only one girl, who quickly said no after talking to someone in the small town where I live and was told "stay away!". That sucked, and took me a while to get over, but by now I have come to realize that although I still don't know who was saying this about me, all is for the best, gam zu letova. It must not have been meant to be and I accept that. The rest of that story is for another time.
I have talked to my mashgiach (who also knows my story and has been in contact with my therapist) and he tells me that he doesn't want to tell me how to live my life and when to date or not, but at this point he doesn't feel comfortable telling perspective shidduchim to go ahead. So I decided for now that I'll judge myself based on his opinion of my situation. I don't know if this is the best option, or if delaying shidduchim will make things harder for me or if it is really better in the long run. I am fine being single for now, especially as I am an unemployed "working boy" (not a great draw), but its hard when you're dancing at so many friends weddings.

Now I'm just rambling. Can anyone else identify? Anyone have any ideas or eitzos that have worked? Thanks!

Hi,
I'm also an "unemployed working boy".

I suffer from addiction (but it's mainly secret,"mainly" is a long story which I still never shared...for now).

I have a bad reputation because I almost get married with a girl who live next to me and who go out with the same friend but things turn into a massive disaster so everybody is aware.(it was a disaster not a simple broke up,long story also )

In my opinion ? well ,who cares ? I'm not in touch with a therapist or a rabbi.

But if you ask ,I think ha Chem have a plan for me ,I mean for my entire life ! and in this plan , If Ha chem want me to get married,I will ! as long I'm a good jewish , and by good , I don't mean I'm sober or a tsaddik but just in the right path to the recovery (a hozer bitchouvah and not a baal techouvah is good enough ),I'm not worried about my mazal

I was born to fight this sin ,this is my reason to live ,This is what ha Chem expect me to do ,the marriage is a secondary objective for me. i believe in that because I'm fighting this since I 'm 11 and i'm only dating since 2 years (more like 6 month in reality)

And I have 3 story for you ,2 from my family and one from my friend/closest friend' grandfather who died few month ago,the story is simple: he is married at the age of 37 with a 15 years old girl and he had 12 children.he never lost faith !

I have 2 brothers who get married after a loong time and they found their mazal with miracle ! I'll be back for the rest of story

skip this

dd wrote:


Shivisi responds:
I once thought of a vort which connects the sefiras haomer to this idea, as you were saying.

There is a famous question about why we count the number of past days from the beginning as opposed to amount of the days ahead leading up our goal of reaching shavuos.
While thinking about it I took note that actually we are NOT counting the past says either! We are counting TODAY!
Hayom...
[this is clearly the connotation for those who say BAomer, but even for those who say LAomer, the emphasis is still on the HAYOM.]
Like you said, One Day at a Time
BUT-
We still mention a sum total counting, both when we say Hayom shlosha...arbaah..chamisha...YOMIM, [not Hayom Yom shlishi...revii...chamishi...,
and also when we sum up the weekly count, ["(ex.)shehaim shnei shavuos...veshisha yamim]...

I think that this might the message: As far as our active job is concerned we must concentrate on the HAYOM, on the ONE DAY AT A TIME,
and therefore we don't count how many days we still need to do,
Yet we still should keep in mind that no matter what, we still have THE PAST days of working BEHIND US.
As it has been mentioned many times on this forum, no matter what happens, we NEVER lose the previously acquired days of work and victories which we have acquired in the past.
We NEVER go back to starting from Scratch, back to ZERO! Everything we have done along the way REMAINS with us as a gain and an experience, which we learn from and utilize in our future progress.
These are the 2 lessons of sefiras Haomer which are relevant to our days of effort toward recovery here.

Thank you dd for bringing up the comparison.

Day 96! I'm on the Wall of Honor, and I'm not looking back. Just pushing forward, onward and upward. One day at a time.

When I first started I thought that 90 days was no big deal. Granted it would be longer than I had ever gone before, but its just three month, how hard could it be? Then the reality sunk in, it was a three month journey of discovery of realizing who I can be and what I can do. But it was a journey, "My journey", and its only just begun but I look forward to every day as a new challenge as I fight, push forward and grow every day.

115 DAYS! Thank the ONE above and send HIM lots of love! I'm thankful for everything that has happened to me since my first day here. To reach this accomplishment is something I never dreamed about in my wildest dreams. Thank you Hashem and everyone here on GYE for allowing me and helping me reach this point.

WOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

KUTGW!!!!

Keep on Living!!!!

Gevaldik!

Keep it up!

b'hatzlachah

Thank you Hashem who has brought me to this day.
I gotta post something now, otherwise I'm afraid of what my mind may take me to. I fight the battle everyday day, from when I awake ( which is not when I should [ a post for another time]) until I fall asleep. Right now I just got back home from an event (kosher in nature), had a few l'chaims, and I'm feeling myself in that place that I used to know, when I didn't care about what I would look at on the computer, whatever I would find to get my juices flowing ignoring the consequences, or how it would make feel. Come what may, I would just lapse into a routine of p&m and other things that would feel good/ rebellious/ being myself/ doing what the behaima inside me wanted. Now I have a new purpose in life. I don't care what people say about me, I try to work on my avodas Hashem, but right now my main goal is to rid my guf of heruros asuros and work on my shmeras einayim and how I live my life in a clean and sober way.
It sucks when I'm on the site I use for tv shows ( I still watch, but more careful of what I view) and I see a listing for something assur. Its hard to JSN (just say no) and continue on to something more in the lines of where I'm holding. It hurts every time time that I skip by a link that only 4 short months ago I would have dived in head first without batting an eye at. But I tell myself, "JSN" and before you realize it, or more importantly it has passed you by and you no longer feel the draw.

But as great as JSN is doing for me, I wish there was an approach that didn't lead to this, and I daven every day that it should come, but does anyone have any experience dealing with this? My therapist once told me that an addict (of any kind/ or even a substance abuser [if you don't want to call yourself an addict]) has to learn where his triggeres are and prepare himself and avoid putting himself into a dangerous place for him to make his decisions (this is a serious post for another time). But does anyone have some practical eitzos for dealing with the problem in the now (when it does come up?).

Amazing post!!!

The only advice that I can offer, and it doesn't come easily for me when I'm "there", is to talk. Talk to Hashem, talk to friends. I tell them what I am feeling, what my desires are, if I'm upset then I tell them why, etc.

Just verbalizing those things and acknowledging them makes a big difference for me.

maybe make a bookmark for the forum that you get to by one click and every time you want to click on a link, click on that one. it might hep you get refocused.

141 and still going strong!
This is crazy! Looking back at where I was 141 days ago my life has changed tremendously. So much has happened since my last post, sorry I haven't been so good about keeping up. Baruch Hashem I now have a new job! It is in a new city so I have moved away from the bad memories of my old town. Meshana mokom meshana mazel, and I could certainly use some. I know that this has been discussed in the past, but having a job where you have to constantly be working does tremendous things to fight the taiva. I'm busy all day long and when I come home I just want to relax for a few minutes have something to eat and I'm ready to hit the sack. Not having time helps, but I still have to be careful, another day another battle. But JSN and realizing where my triggers will hit me and avoiding those places (mental and physical) is the way to win the battle every day. Even just avoiding going into a room with an unfiltered computer helps (I have my laptop with k9 and webchaver that does what I need). More to come later I hope, but I'm ready to crash, Good Night GYEland!