Hi everyone,

I haven't posted for a while. Things have been busy. Been going to meetings and thankful for the gift of sobriety.

Just to share that today i came home from work and it was one of those rare occasions that the family had supper together. I really was not in the frame of mind and I also needed my space. So i just retreated more and more into myself. i felt my head just lock as if i was mentally paralyzed. Thankfully I had to go out and when i did i made a call to a friend from SA. I am a bit more grounded now, but I have a feeling of emptiness, a hole which i need to fill.

This normally leads to me being unable to "put myself to sleep" as i feel unfulfilled, which leads into a vicious cycle . . .

I need help. i cannot do this on my own. i ask HaShem to help me accept myself, to accept that I am a human being with defects and for the courage to move on.

Wow incredible!!! Great move calling a friend. Its nice to hear from you, stick around!


KEEP ON GOING!!!

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to share a few things.

Firstly last night I was feeling very good. I had had a nice Shabbos. I had been to a meeting. And then for no reason I hit the internet key on my phone and I saw the last entry I had searched for. It immediately gave me the urge to find what I could within the boundaries of my sobriety definition. I recognized the moment of powerlessness but I was not prepared to surrender. I am thankful that I remained sober but I want to admit it and use it as a reminder of how powerless I am and that I cannot just “play” with my phone, and that I cannot deal with lust on my own. Next time I may not be so lucky.

Also, I organized something yesterday for the group, and afterwards I was disappointed that no one came to me to thank me. I really felt like I was missing something. I had to call a friend to share it. I just have to focus on and be thankful for the opportunity to give; and I have to remember that for me expectations are poison. (A friend once told me: Expectations are the pregnancy of resentments!)

And finally I have had an exchange of emails with my boss about my salary not being paid on time. I have always been codependent on him for many reasons and confronting him has always been a nightmare. I feel a big relief that I am finally standing up for something that is rightly mine. I ask HaShem for the courage and the guidance to continue doing what I need to.

Do you a filter on your phone?

Great work but I would suggest calling someone right away when you have the urge. Perhaps an SA friend?

Keep it up!!

Thanks DMS.

No I do not have a filter on my phone. I have been meaning to switch phones but I have not gotten round to it. But the truth is that filters never really helped me. Ultimately what keeps me sober is the taphsic shvua together with SA. It is a miracle for me today that I have open internet access at work and at other locations and I do not act out compulsively like I used to.

And about calling, you are 100% right and i should and could have done it. But I was unwilling to accept that I cannot even search "innocently".

I had a conversation with my boss earlier. It was very unpleasant and I came away traumatized feeling totally humiliated and hurt. My natural reaction is to want to escape, to run and most of all to be resentful and to remember the resentments forever.

I just want to remind myself that resentments for me are poison. Ultimately they will do me a lot of damage. I need to surrender my resentment to HaShem and ask Him to deal with them for me because I cannot on my own.

I also want to remember that my essence is G-Dly, that HaShem loves me and cares for me unconditionally and no one can take that away from me.

I ask Him to be with me, to help me focus on giving and not taking and direct me to do his will.

alwasy a chizuk to read ppls forum post. thnk u and dont give up!

sory dnt hav much to say lol, just a yasher koach and KOT

I just want to share that last night my wife went out for the evening and I was left to settle the kids, which is something I really don’t like doing on my own. And when I have something to do which I don’t like doing, I start looking for escape. I ended up wasting the evening lying on my bed, and playing with my phone; searching for “kosher’ lust i.e. within the boundaries of my sobriety rules.

I need to accept that I cannot handle settling the kids on my own emotionally, even though admitting this makes me feel an incompetent father.

I also need to accept that I cannot handle on my own being at home by myself without a structure of what I am going to do with my time.

And I need to accept that “playing” with my phone will ultimately lead to a fall. I have to remind myself that I am addicted to lust and that the short term “pleasure” which I am convinced will make me feel really good, ultimately caused me a lot of pain.

i found that the 3 i need to accept's that you wrote here are very much intertwined.
the more i get out of my fantasies (i.e. playing with the phone), I am able to focus more on the children for what they really are tayere yiddishe neshamos,and actually very cute and full of personality, each one another oilam maley in their own way, and this enables me to handle settling them down better, it even becomes an enjoyable task, and memaila this helps with the structure problem as well when i focus more on living real life

Maybe just accept that it's ok for things not to be exactly as you wish when putting the kids to bed. Just accepting that you are doing the best that you can and living in the moment, can remove a lot of the stress.

Many of us use escapes because we need to feel in control (or so we think). How about letting go of that need, and be ok with not being in control? Really, just let go. Recognize you are not in control, and just do the best you can.

What do you think? Does any of this ring true?

Its been a while since i was here.

Over Pesach I relapsed (I like that word; it's so much more "dignified" than just "I fell".)

Shono Upiresh! Yes, its much harder to become sober than to remain sober.

At this point i don't have the willingness to be sober.

Nu, sobriety needs willingness, openness and honesty. Maybe posting here (on an anonymous forum!) is a start to being open again.

I know that I need help, I admit that I need help, but I cannot admit defeat.

Thank you guys for listening to my rant.

Admitting defeat can be a great relief. then the game is over, instead of keeping on playing knowing you are going to lose at the end.
Once you admit defeat you can restart again and try to win.
The harder it is the better it will feel at the end.

I think that just by hanging around here, you are actually winning. Because the point of the struggle is probably not winning but fighting. hanging out here is fighting. being aware of your matzav is fighting. Noticing relapsing right away and not ignoring it is fighting.
I just heard in the name of an adom gadol that the fight of our dor is the fight in the inyaney kedusha. Hashem chose YOU as one of His warriors. He must believe in you.
GYE is the battalion of the front line warriors.
There are plenty of people that have addictions and aren't fighting, and plenty of guys that just don't have such a strong yetzer harah in these inyanim. The GYE guys are the ones with the problems AND the ones fighting.
After joining the group I feel that I am part of an army of warriors in Klal Yisrael's army and not just fighting my own battles.
KOT

I really loved the chizzuk, one thing hit me though, it's something that I've been seeing in myself a lot during bein hazmanim.

I find myself looking down a bit at normal people, I feel that I am more special than them. I feel that Hashem somewhat loves me and my avodah more than he loves that of them. THAT is head on counterproductive to what i have been working on until now.

It is multi fold, for one, everyone has their trouble in life, everyone has their thing that they work on and feel frustrated by. Second, why am I looking at others at all? Why am I still comparing myself to others? I am not them, I am not supposed to be them, and they are not supposed to be me!!! I am special because I am me, and Hashem created me, and He wants me to serve Him in the situation that He puts me, whatever that situation be!! Each and every other person is just as special, whether he has these issues or not, there is a purpose that he was created and that purpose is extremely special, just as special as mine!!

I am working on it, I am trying to look at other people and realize that I am equal to them, we are all going through some hardship and growing in our own ways. We are all special, each and every one of us on this planet. We all should be holding hands together no matter what the specific issue is!!

Whew, letting that out feels really good!!!

Nice.

Actually there is a guy on this forum who has this in his signature:

I'm just a dude, another guy on this bus

I thought you might like it!