Hi to all,

I have been on GYE before, under a different username. I also go to SA meetings pretty regularly.

Thankfully my acting-out has slowed down since the time I found GYE and thanks to SA which has given me a lot.

Today, I do not compulsively act-out just because I have no other choice. Today I do have a choice.

However I still fall every so often.

I feel that part of my problem is that I am not open enough with other members of SA.
I am hoping to share here more openly although admittedly since this is an anonymous forum, it can hardly be called open. But I still think that it may be a step in the right direction.

Today I am relatively calm, although feeling a bit disconnected. I should probably call a friend or two, just to get out of myself, but it is very hard for me to do that especially at the end of long day when I am tired and have no patience to speak to anyone.

Hoping to update with progress.

Thank you all.

Hi, welcome back!

I completely agree with you that this forum isn't the best way to open up (its a good way to start). For me, the best way is to grow a network of friends who you can constantly talk to: text, chat, phone, and even meet up with. The best way to do that is keep posting on the forum, chatting with people and eventually you'll find some people.

I have several people who i talk to regularly and its a great feeling. I feel like they are my best friends.

Stick around and good luck!!

If you are already in SA, I'd think that is the best place to open up. Opening up here seems a bit backwards to me. You are trading real for imitation, chocolate for chocolate flavored...

You took a huge step joining SA, why not use it?

Thank you for your responses.

Just to clarify, I am not posting here as a substitute for meetings or calling friends from SA.

Just sometimes it is hard for me to take the action of calling and I am hoping that posting here will be a small action that will subsequently enable me to face reality more easily. Also, when I share with friends I feel sometimes embarrassed or inhibited. Getting it out here, even anonymously, may make it easier for me to face things and subsequently share with others live.

I also find it easier to express myself in writing than in speech.

Just to share, I just came into my house. My wife has fallen asleep, exhausted, without tidying the house, and the house looks like a bomb has dropped on it. I am extremely tired myself and frustrated but I cannot allow myself to go to sleep, because I feel responsible and that I am expected now to stay up and tidy up.

So of course I prefer to take the easier option, which is doodle around, then start to mess around on the computer or phone, maybe watch something and before I know it I will end up looking at porn or calling ... and then…...

I have to admit powerlessness in my situation now, and ask HaShem to be with me and guide me to do the right action now and not remain stuck inside my head.

You can't go to sleep because you feel responsible to clean up, yet instead of cleaning up, you're just staying up.

I can relate.

Sometimes the hardest part is just starting. Take a deep breath, roll up your sleeves and just start - anywhere. It will get easier from there and then you can get some SLEEP!

Thanks. Yes, it feels so righteous and meritorious to want to stay up, but when i share it, it sounds so illogical.

Thankfully I just called a friend, despite the late hour and I am on my way to bed, without cleaning up.

But now i am about to get into my bed and I want to just "play" with my mobile phone. I seem to have "forgotten" that last time I "played" I watched porn for hours.

I admit that I am powerless. i ask HaShem to restore my sanity just for now and help me focus on going to sleep.

Welcome Yesh Tikva,

It's great to have you here!!!

The phone in bed.......arrrgghhhhh....that's a toughy.

I used to play a game on the phone before going to sleep, I needed it to fall asleep. BH, that's stopped. I need to live REAL life, and real life includes...GOING TO SLEEP RIGHT AWAY when I get into bed!! I twasn't easy, but now it is!!

Welcome (back)!!

If you're looking for an idea to "just start" with, try this: https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/204408-the-void?limit=15&start=60#215175

Thank you Pidaini.

I HATE "just going to sleep" (unless of course the wife is muttar). It is much too real for me and i never feel fulfilled enough at the end of the day, to just go to sleep. i am realy powerless over that. It is part of acceptance.

I am also powerless over my phone with its internet connection. I had a "plain" phone until it broke a few months ago and i ended up with this one. I can easily switch it for a small price for another "plain" one, but I have not had the willingness to do so. (Why can others have one and i cannot?)

Thankfully I finally asked my sponsor today what to do. (It is really totally obvious, but I seem to be incapable of doing it on my own). I ask HaShem for the willingness to surrender my will and just do the action.

And Gevura, i have to say that I never saw cleaning toilets suggested as recovery before,but I suppose we are a weird bunch!

If you think that was weird, just continue reading the next 20 or so posts on that thread!

Just to share a couple of things I am powerless over.

My boss owes me money. He also has not paid me yet for this month. I told myself that today I would speak to him. I pushed it off the whole day until I missed him at the end of the day.
I feel a terrible failure. I hate confrontations. I am terrified of rejection. People who I speak to tell me how wrong I am. That makes me feel even more stupid.

On the way home from work, I decided to take the bus instead of the train. I ended up missing the bus, and I waited over an hour for the next one. I am very frustrated and resentful. I am also embarrassed of myself and my wife, because it is not the first time that this has happened, and each time I tell myself, that it is the last time, and then I go and do it again. Why am I such a jerk?

And I am embarrassed to call my wife. I don’t know what’s going on at home, and I don’t want to know. So I just go inside myself more and more, desperate to escape from reality.

I just cannot handle my emotions. I hate lusting but it gives instant relief.

I can't handle this on my own.

Wow, i had similar problems this past couple days: i also missed my bus today and yesterday and got terrible rejection from a prof yesterday.

It was painful and i felt like wallowing in despair but what can we do? Life gets tough sometimes. After i missed the bus i started singing the gam zu la tovah song that i heard my Rabbi's granddaughter singing (i can't quite remember the name of the tune its a popular goyish song) and just told my self everything is going to be ok.

Yesh Tikva wrote:


May I ask, What does powerless mean to you?

Yesh Tikva wrote:


I can completely relate with that feeling, the fear of rejection, it almost runs my life. I have two things that I do when those fears come, both of which I learned here. 1) Talking to Hashem 2) talking to friends. Validating my feelings of fear, asking Hashem for help, and asking a friend to hold my hand has prooven to work for me!

Yesh Tikva wrote:


Understandably, and I've found the above ideas to work there as well.

Yesh Tikva wrote:


Do you always miss the bus when you try? or just many times? If you don't always miss it, how can yo uknow when you will miss it and when you won't? Why be so hard on yourself?

Yesh Tikva wrote:


I cannot control my emotions, but I do have a choice of what to do once they are there. The above ideas not only work, but are the only thing that worked for me.

Powerless is great, but what are you doing because of that?

Pidaini wrote:


Thank you Pidaini and DMS.

Pidaini, as i mentioned earlier, I go to SA meetings and i speak and share with friends often during the day. However, sometimes it is hard to share, either technically because of the time of the day etc or emotionally, so as a minimal action i posted here. Obviously it is not a substitute (especially being that it is anonymous or rather faceless) but it is an opportunity to get my feelings and frustrations out, face them, see their true proportions either on my own or by way of feedback from others. So i really appreciate your "listening" and sharing.

Just to share:

This morning I came late to daavening. I could have waited for the later minyan and faced being frustrated for a late start to my day, or done a "quick one" and faced feeling guilty. I chose the latter. I am powerless either way. I am also powerless over indecision and over accepting my mistakes (such as waking up late). I need to ask Hashem for acceptance. Acceptance that i can wake up late and it does not have to screw up my day, or make me feel that because i was late for daavening i am guilty and i will have a bad day.

I also want to share that I am involved in helping someone who has been hospitalized. As usual I am unable to judge on my own, where my responsibility ends and when I am getting too involved. To add to it, my wife feels that I am way too involved and that i am giving up family time. I admit powerlessness and ask HaShem to help me do His will.

Thank you

Hey there!!

Did you ask Hashem for the things you wrote? How'd it go?