Before I discuss my struggle I like to tell you about my background. I was born in Canada
to an interfaith marriage (father is Christian and mother is Jewish but none are religious whatsoever). I love my parents very much and to this day they do not no about my addiction. I know my father watched pornography by stumbling across his internet history he forgot to clean or catching him in the act (by viewing him secretly from a distance so he didn't know I caught him). My mother is short tempered and has hoarding problems. She is the perfect stereotype of the "Jewish Mother". She constantly bothers me about the smallest of problems, pesters me about every single detail of my life, and gets extremely angery if I make any sort of mistake either socially or academically. Because of this, I have developed OCD to double-check things numerous times, being paranoid about something terrible happening (catastrophic thinking), and remembering images that are irrelevant or not important to my life. The last sympton is partically worse when mixed
with my addiction because I would rememeber racy images for long periods of time forcing me to think "go back on the Internet and to find more". Currently, I am on a waiting list for an anxiety rehabilition which will hopefully reduce and elimate my OCD and porn addiction.

It all started when I gone through puberty and started to think of woman sexually. At the time, I was not sure how to express my desires because I know humans are suppose to have these desires to procreate. However, I was not ready to start a family and wanted to just
fulfill these pleasurable thoughts. I did not seek out relationships or engage in sex (to this day I have not dated anyone or have lost my virginity. Thank G-d). I turned to the easily accessible Internet to satisfy my lust. At the time, I did not think of any consequences because I thought "on tv, newspapers, and billboards they advertise about this stuff so it can't be bad. It may inappriopete to some social groups but it isn't BAD". So there I went, entered a few search words and found more than enough content to be become aroused. At first, I was thinking "this is great. Watch anything you want, clear the history, and carry on life as usual." This went on for years until I found that my "material" wasn't satisfying enough. I would explore different "genres" to get a new high but none would make me feel happy and I ended up feeling disappointed and deeply ashamed that I enjoyed woman being depicted in those ways. I ended up being paranoid that family or friends would find out my internet habits and would disown me. Since then I have been carrying this huge weight of regret on my shoulders which seems impossible to remove.

I have tried cold turkey numerous times. I even made it to 3 months but find myself lost in temptation. The only way I can overcome this problem is by admitting that I am an addict and can't deal with my problem on my own. This is why I here today. I have a downloaded the K9 internet filter and informed my local Orthodox rabbi of my problem. I sincerely want to rid myself of my yetzer hara and hope Hashem forgives me on my past trangressions.

Rock ON!!!
welcome t the group! stick around!!

some quick questions if ur in the mood of answering
-do u have anything that sets u off?
-any specific time or situation that gets u going?


Also a few comments:
-We all go through "bored syndrome" the porn we were watching wasnt enough so we go for more and more exciting stuff
-advice: Try to open up to a real person, either get someone on this site's number or to that rabbi you mentioned. From my short experience, i have found that this helps the most.

Also try reading the handbook, its a great place to start

GOOD LUCK!!!

Thanks Lizhensk for the quick reply. My temptation comes EXACTLY when I am bored or have a lot of free time. Lust thoughts keep me up at night for hours because it is when my family is asleep and is much easier for them not to catch me (I am 20, still in college, and living at home). I try doing other things like watching kosher channels without explicit material but a part of me says "watch porn it is better". Usually I can beat it but after days and weeks of keep saying "no" I eventually can take it anymore and just give in. It is a constant war of wants in my head. Obviously the easy solution is just to get married and satisfy my needs in the proper way but at my age I financially can't do that. I don't know how it is humanly possible to temporarily forget these desires and do other things.

generally speakin', marriage does not solve the issue and it is not "easy"; it tends to make matters more complicated.

b'hatzlachah

WELCOME canuckjew! Boy, you've got a lot on your plate. You've got a lot of issues to sort out and they are all connected. Family, OCD, porn addiction. It seems you are seeking professional help, which is good. You also have "friends" here who can help guide and give you chizzuk. Stick around, this is a good place.

Keep us posted.

Welcome canuckjew!!!

Make yourself at home, a home with a loving, caring, understanding atmosphere!!

Hope to get to know you!!! To grow together!!

Keep on Posting!!!

Hey Hey Hey, a fellow Canadian, wahoo!

I definitely hear the boredom cause, i definitely have that too.

Our stories our very similar actually. I am in college as well. Similar experiences with father and mother. Also live in Canada. Pretty much started the same way you did.

Message me if you would like. But You are doing great. Keep on going! Step by Step.

Thanks everyone for your support. I read your intro dms1234 and also suffer from "subconscious falling". I would have a porn-free streak going for a week than at about 3 am one day I would walk up (sometimes shivering) and ALL I would think about is watching porn. I think this happens because our yetzer hara reminds us that simply ignoring the problem will not make it go away. Also it attacks us when we are most vulnerable (i.e. 3am is the perfect opportunity to watch porn without getting caught by family). The only thing I can suggest is to try to keep your mind occupied by watching T.V. (without sexuality of course) or doing some academic/Torah studying and trying to go to sleep again. Right now I am keeping a diary of my 90 day journey and hopefully more members will comment on the thread. I think doing this will be better than just "sticking it out" alone.

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/225965-Personal-90-Day-Diary

Welcome!

Please do not burden yourself with guilt. It is NOT your fault. Hashem loves you and put you in this situation so that you can overcome this in the most positive way possible.

We are now learning about the redemption from the Egyptian exile.
The Jews then were also steeped in impurity, just like us. They were redeemed not because they were perfect, but because they WANTED to leave the immorality, and they cried to God that He should save them.
The most important thing is not your success, but that you are here TRYING!

On the subject of marriage, I also thought that it would solve all my problems.
It did not.

What really helps is understanding how to utilise properly our blessed GIFT of sexual desire.
In Jewish thought, the term Chessed ( loving kindness) is sometimes used to denote sexual immorality.
The reason is that sexual immorality is the trait of true love gone horribly wrong. Giving has turned into taking.
So we need to transform this urge into being able to GIVE to others.
As Rabbi Dessler points out, suppressing urges is bound to fail. It is like pressing down on a spring. It will ALWAYS spring back up!
So we need to elevate our desires and urges. We need to see spiritually in our physical bodies, not just a pointless self destroying craving for more and more so called pleasure!

So we need to think positively. So when I have an urge for lust, I try to think what productive thing could I be doing now. How could I be helping someone else?

Another wonderful tool that we have is the holy Shabbat. On that day we see spirituality in all of our activities. Have you tasted the beautiful atmosphere of Shabbat meal with an Orthodox family?

If you do all this, then you have the ability to have a wonderful marriage and relationship.

BE POSITIVE and SEEK HELP!

Thinking of you

May Hashem give you much success!!