Hi everyone. Yesterday I signed up for the 90-day chart and I have already been a day clean. At first I didn't want to add myself to the 90-Day chart or even GYE for that matter but I know inside my yetzer hara was trying to prevent me from changing. In the past I thought I could just beat this problem all on my own but in the end I would eventually stumble. I still don't consider myself a hardcore addict because I don't view porn regularly (maybe once or twice a month) but of course that is bad nonetheless. I will try to keep this updated with daily logs of my struggles and will post tactics I used to beat my "attacks" that will hopefully be helpful to other members.

Just today I went on a website with good informational content (unrelated to sex whatsoever) but unfortunately had ads with inappropriate pictures. This is very common as many filters cannot block these websites as the content itself is good but the ads are not. Many times, web developers are unaware of what ads are being posted to there clients because they use third-party apps to display their ads for them (I'm a studying web development at my college and somewhat know how these technologies work). I won't go into the technical details about why different ads are displayed to different users from the same website but offer a simple solution. Every modern day internet browser (the program you use to open a webpage) can have extra software added to them. They are called "add-ons","extensions","widjets", etc. depending on your browser. They are used to help improve your Internet experience and can do different things for you. The add-on I used stop seeing these adds was called "Adblock". It is free to install and helped eliminate a lot of unwanted ads on webpages. Hope this helps and I'll let you guys know more about my progress!

Its been Day 3 and I'm still clean. Mostly watched TV shows and movies to keep my mind off things.

Welcome to the life journey of 90 more days

(90 days is nice, but let's be honest, it's not the goal right? if it is then after that we just fall like a sack of potatoes.)

The goal is really to be sober today, just for today. It's the only thing that I can control, and even if I were to know for a fact that I was going to fall tomorrow, I would still want to be sober today (I hope).

What's the plan for keeping clean?

canuckjew wrote:
That's like watching a horror movie to keep your mind from having scary thoughts

Some things that have been working for me so far:

• Watching documentaries and what I consider "kosher channels"
• Get out of the house and do something
• Don't get down on yourself

Of course my addiction will never truly go away as the desire will still be there...I'll just have to utilize it in the proper way (through marriage I guess instead of watching porn). What still troubles me about understanding this problem is that aren't men suppose to be attracted to women sexually and be aroused by nude pictures? It seems unnatural to keep denying myself sex or "gazing" at attractive women on the streets or on the Internet. I am afraid that somehow if I lose my interest in the physical beauty of women, I will lose interest in women altogether. Maybe becoming asexual (no desire for man and woman) is a viable option until I decide to marry where I recondition myself as a heterosexual.

Obviously a relationship with a man and woman requires building on interests other than sex like common interests and goals. However, from what I understand of Orthodox dating is that men and women don't even touch each other. To me that seems crazy! So if the man and woman dated for X years and had sexual desires (no doubt) they are suppose to keep asceticising that "what until we are married because we are going to get great rewards in the World to Come". I don't want to be cynical but it is not always reasonable to get married at 18 years (like the Gemara suggests), "be fruitful and multiply", and support 8+ kids in today's economy. I am only 20, want to become financially stable, move out of my parents home, and get married and have a few children. Maybe that's being selfish but I don't think its fair to bring so many children into this world and not have enough money to support them. For my understanding (correct me if I'm wrong) that wearing condoms is strictly prohibited as I am "wasting seed" and G-d will be angry with me. But how would that be fair to my future wife to keep having the burden of childbirth when occasionally we just want to have some "fun"?

I am not saying that people should avoid having children or that women are sex objects (Heaven forbid) but I find it difficult (if not impossible) to not think of or engage in sex until I am married. This is the one reason why I turn to porn to eleviate this basic desire. Of course, if I thought porn was a good thing I wouldn't be writing on the GYE forum. I have done long clean streaks before but I just can't take it when my sexual thoughts keep popping in my head and I have to say "NO" everytime. It is like your fasting for months and months when all you want is a little bite to eat. I am confused what constitutes "healthy" sexual thoughts and actions in a Jewish context.

Hi everyone. I hope somebody will comment on my earlier post regarding healthy thoughts about women and post rebuttals about my views on Orthodox dating and premarital sex. I am from a secular background so finding opinions regarding the above topics will help curb my current thoughts that are influencing my porn addiction. It seems becoming asexual (no desire for man or woman) is the only possible way to avoid negative sexual thoughts. I am currently heterosexual but was thinking of becoming asexual until I decide to marry where I go back to being heterosexual. What is Judaism's view on asexuality? You may think that changing to this orientation is impossible and crazy (probably is ) but can this be an effective method?

there is so much here it would not do any justice to comment.
you should try to find a rabbi or some type of mentor that you can talk out your issues with.

b'hatzlachah

Thanks for the comment cordnoy but I would rather discuss some of these issues privately on the forum. I mean, whats the point of writing paragraphs of personal information to community board members without getting some feedback on topics? Of course, no one is obligated to comment but it is probably discouraging for other members not receive any feedback just because the readers are too lazy to give any proper advice. This isn't being directed at you in particular but isn't that the worse thing for an addict to do...keep silent and not talk about their problems? I have spoken with my rabbi and have told some trusted people about my problem but I would like to get some feedback from people whom have the same problems as me.

yes that is true, but unlike blogs out there, this site is here basically to help people along with their problems or issues...for you, the best help (imho) is to speak out all your questions to a real live person.
what did the rabbi tell you?
why does watching porn bother you?
if it doesn't bother you, don't stop.
Is it the sin?
You mentioned you were irreligious; why does this sin bother you more than others?
most of us, if not all of us, do not stop because of the sin.
we knew for years we were sinning, but that didn't prevent us from continuing.
and as an aside, getting married does not solve these issues at all.

Currently my rabbi is in Israel but I think he will be back in Canada within the next few days. He suggested installing filters, seeking a counselor, and joining Guard Your Eyes (all of which I have done). I am also surprised that a fellow Jew suggests that if the porn "doesn't bother you, don't stop". I thought GYE supports people overcoming porn addiction not just giving up on them? Even though I am irreligious is doesn't mean I have some sets of morals regarding healthy sexuality. Yes, the reason why I don't want to watch porn is because I think G-d expects us to think and treat women respectfully. However according to cordnoy, maybe I should start enjoying porn again and not worry about anything. According to his logic if something doesn't bother you don't change. Why do you cordnoy want to overcome your addiction? Why not condition yourself to not be bothered by porn and or even bothering joining the GYE community? Actually reading this post has made me feel discouraged about growing in my Judaism because maybe your right. Maybe anything goes in today's society and there is nothing wrong with viewing porn at all.

Slow down a minute. People will reply.
canuckjew wrote:
You will still be attracted to women even if you stop watching pornography. Not to worry.

canuckjew wrote:

Most orthodox date for a few months, not "X years". Partially, for the reason you mentioned. It is difficult to date for an extended period of time without any physical contact.

canuckjew wrote:
This issue is not really related to this forum.

canuckjew wrote:
There are acceptible forms of birth control. You can still have "fun" .

canuckjew wrote:
It is true that it is difficult being single. For an addict getting married doesn't help. He is still a slave to sexual acting out and fantasies.

Are you upset because of sin, or are you upset because you feel out of control, and don't like being a slave to lust?

Thanks gibbor120 for your reply. Growing up as a secular Jew than learning about more about Judaism from a yeshiva-Israel trip has got me really confused about what constitutes a "good" life and if I should become Torah observant. So yes the reason I want to break free is because if I discover the Torah is true from my self learning than it is a sin and I have to change my ways. To be honest, before I knew more about Judaism I didn't really care about watching porn but now the Torah is changing my way of thinking. On the one hand I can continue to watch porn like it is normal, have a girlfriend and engage in sex (possibly if the time is right) but on the other I can live a "Torah-proscribed" lifestyle, not have any sex till I'm married and niddah periods, and only have "kosher sex". Now to me, the first hand seems more attractive but some things in the Torah sound pretty convincing and I feel like I am betraying something that is somehow bigger than what I can understand (like what G-d's ultimate plan is for my life). I am confused with G-d expects from us. Does he punish "sinners" in Gehenna for engaging in premarital sex or watching porn or does he just "give you a slap on the wrist"? I know the Gehenna thing is a bit extreme but when I read the Torah it seems like Hashem is so harsh with everything. You are punished if you break Shabbat, eat bacon, etc. It just seems like Judaism is a draconian religion and it is impossible to please Him.

You ask great questions, but I beg you to take them somewhere much safer than an anonymous forum.

As for the porn issue...now that's something we (think we) can handle

Quick observation - SA was not created by Jews!! The non-jewish world has already come to the realization of the dangers of porn. It ruins peoples lives, their relationships, their hapiness.

When I came here to stop watching porn, I was asked if I am not really lusting much more than just porn. It hit me hard, my life was revolving around when I could get my heart racing next. Would it be in the streets by a good looking female? Would it be at home by my wife (either in the bedroom or out)? I was one big lust ball! and the more I tried stopping, the more I realized how attached I was to it.

It is relieving to be free of such a burden, the burden of needing another climax.

Yes, I have found my religious life become much more meaningful due to my working on this, but I would only be tricking myself if I were to say "I'm stopping only because that's what Hashem wants".

You're a good guy, (and Hashem loves you, whatever your situation may be), you deserve to live REAL life!! To appreciate your life, to feel FREE!!!

That, in an indirect way, answers your questions about marriage. Marriage has nothing to do with lust, the contrary, real marriage kills lust. Truly being connected with ones wife leaves no room for the selfishness of lusting.

I think you know this deep down, most of us did, true emotional intimacy is not even a relative of the sex we have with ourselves. It may have many similarities, but so do apples and oranges (they both grow on trees, you buy them both at your local grocery store, they are usually really close together on the shelf) but they are world apart.

Stick around!! and KOMT!!!

If I can speak for cordnoy (and I know I probably shouldn't but I will anyway ) his point of 'if watching porn doesn't bother you why stop?' was not that porn was ok. His point is that fighting a lust addiction is not about religion, and it is not about right or wrong. It is about you, as an addict, being out of control. It is about you, as an addict, being fed up with the way you are living your life as a slave to lust. There are many here who have been religious all their lives and still, despite knowing how wrong it is, sit down watch porn and jerk off, and worse things. Using religion as your only source of motivation as an addict will only lead to a horrible cycle of guilt. See other posts about "The Nuclear Reset Button". People on this site may be mostly religious Jews, but for many of us that is not the reason why we want to be sober. It helps, it is a nice side point, but it is because lust had caused damage to ourselves and the people around us, and we want to find a way to stop.

Best of Luck
Eli

Edit: As for your questions on dating and birth control etc, they are indeed good questions, but seeing as that different streams of Orthodox Jewry will have different norms and protocols, it is best that those questions are answered by your own Rabbi.

First of all Mr. canuckjew, it is clear you need a competent Rabbi to address your religilous issues. This forum is really not a substitiute for that... But, I will try to deal with some of your questions.

I will start with some questions for you to answer.

First of all, why did G-d give us the Torah and all it's commandments?