Watson said ten seconds and he wasn't exaggerating!
The moment the meeting began, I felt right at home (except for Mother Mary staring at me).
I belonged.

Whatever we deny or embrace
For worse or for better
We belong, we belong
We belong together

Hey brother. I hear you and wish you hatzlocha w whatever you decide.

BTW, it might do you well to remember that going to meetings is not the answer, but is just walking into the answer. Kind of like how getting a job - and even coming to work - are not a way to pay the bills. It's pretty useless unless a worker actually participates and does his job, at work. Same thing here.

In the meantime, if you want, I can easily set you up with a guy or two in your neighborhood (frum Jew, unfrum Jew, or neither) who would be glad to talk w you on the phone or even to meet you, first.

Hatzlocha.

Nachshon,
I was just going through my original posts, and noticed that the first post I ever posted was on your thread. It seems that your thread gave me tremendous chizzuk and hope to start on this wonderful journey I have been on for 299 days.
I hope you are staying strong and keeping up with not letting your struggles get you down.
Thanks again for sharing your stories and your struggles so others can get chizzuk and encouragement.
Hang in there brother.
Unanumun

Its been a while.....allow me to share with you the last 2 weeks.  The realization hit me I needed to take real action...come out of the shadows...If not now when????

Here is my story!

24 hours prior to my first meeting:

Like an alcoholic knowing he is heading into rehab....grabbing hold of my "last" lust fix.  Typing frantically on my Kik and WhatsApp accounts sexting with 2 and at times 3 different woman.  Sending pics woman 1 sent to me to woman 2 as if they came from me....brain has completely shut off...it is all about the lust...feed me more...my appetite knows no limits

5 hours before

Inform my loving wife....who is the most kind giving person I know...that I have decided to go to an SA meeting....she can sense the shame/discomfort I feel....begs me not to go...says you don't need it...Oh if she only knew.....

2 hours before...

Watching the clock digitally inch closer and closer to 8 PM....feels like the noose is tightening around me..

I can just bag out of this...who will know?  I promise my self for the 1000th time I will stop.....the lust/ intensity of the past 24 hours even scared me....

45 min before.....

The final hour....know I have to leave by 730 to get there on time...plus I want to scope it out....feel like crying...I am not a crier....a tear wells up in the corner of my eye as my wife feels pity on me...one last time telling me don't go.  Oh I need to....I am in the middle of an ocean flailing my arms....there is no saving me with a life-boat others  (Dov) have talked about.

Is this life-boat just a mirage....could these people Dov discusses be a figment of his imagination????

7:50....Waze dutifully put me 10 minutes early....WAIT it's in a church....I am way too Jewish to step foot in a Church...they lead then inquisitions..I realize just another feeble attempt to flee....as every cell in my body is screaming run.....

7:52...more cars pull up....look like normal people....no signs of rapist, monsters, or child molesters I am sure to meet....

7:55....it's go or not go time....I came this far...and if I leave where do I go to?

7:57....2 more minutes of stalling have gotten me nowhere....brain....just pull the handle and walk the 40 steps....just do it...think of all the dark places we've walked together....this should be like a walk in the park.

8:00....Follow a woman into building....wow churches are not like shuls....at least not this one....where to go....downstairs?  A large room with chairs placed in a circle....a man comes over to me and asks....is this your first meeting with I reply yes.  Sit next to me...

8:04....meeting comes to order...We have a first timer with us and I am going to ask him to read the opening prayer....There was a small smattering of welcomes and saw the same excitement lubavitchers get when they put Tifflin on someone for the first time..I am in this strange alternative universe

8:05 The meeting begins with the moderator discussing everything that is said in this AA meeting must not be shared with others...wait did I hear that right....I am in an AA meeting...not an SA meeting....I wait for the man to finish and whisper into his ear....I am afraid I am in the wrong meeting....I awkwardly apologized to the group and wish them a successful meeting.

8:07.....back upstairs to the first floor....my car is so close...perhaps my wife was right...and now God showing me the way out...I tried to get help....didnt I learn somewhere you get some credit for that?

8:08. Paralyzed by indecision...I decide I will ask the next person if they know where the SA meeting is...if he/she says yes I go...if not sign I shouldn't be there.

8:09:  Middle aged man...looks like a plumber or a barber...friendly face....I meekly ask do you know where the SA meeting is?   Sure follow me.......

8:10  Sitting around a table are a group of very normal looking people.  Two Kippahs, a Asian man, 2 men older than me. 2 younger, a woman in a wheelchair...and my barber friend.

What happens stays within the walls of SA meeting.

Let me just share with you this was the greatest step forward taken in my 20+ years of my battle with lust.  I was in a warm welcoming environment, sharing my deepest flaws to a group of people that truly understood my struggle.  My heart broke for some sitting around the table...one man was caught by his wife and was in essence homeless, another fired from his job, another was arrested for his activities, another with a sadness that can only be witnessed for all the harm he brought to his family.....But there was also a sense of hope and brotherhood as strangers and friends shared their darkest troubles and were lifted by the man to their right and left.  This group welcomed me with open arms...encouraged me to return, gave me their cell numbers if I needed someone to talk to.

My only regret of the evening was I didnt take this step 20 years ago...was it my ego, pride, fear of being recognized...probably a combination of the three.

When I left my first meeting I saw one of the participants of the meeting (a woman in a wheelchair) being picked up by an access a ride.  I thought to myself this woman is a para-palegic and I can only imagine the struggles it took her to get to the meeting.  Right there all my excuses of being too busy with patients, family, community flew out the window.  I need to get on this lifeboat.  NOW!

One week after first meeting:

Watching the clock in my office...trying to finish my clinical notes.  Tell my assistant we need to hurry I have an important meeting i have to get to.

8:05....welcoming the new new guy and sharing with the group my best week I can remember.

If you have struggled with lust and feel helpless in an endless cycle of starting and stopping...whatever manifestation the lust presents itself....you can not win this battle alone...join me on this Life Boat...it is no mirage....I am happy to walk in with you to your first meeting.  Feel a sense of comfort this Elul....standing there I can tell God...I took a huge step forward....heal me and help me overcome this sickness!

Thank you Dov for all of the encouragement...I would not have made this step without you!  I have taken the first few steps of what will be a long journey.  There is a fulfillment knowing I am heading in the right direction with a brotherhood of people traveling together to overcome/battle this flaw/sickness.

Gmar Tov To All

Nachshon

Thank you chaver for this golden share. I cried straight through the whole thing. It really brought me back to the hours before my first meeting, which were so similar to yours.

Going to the wrong meeting and then making the decision to find the correct meeting and asking someone where the SA meeting, probably did more for your sobriety than most of us here can ever imagine. I should say "you did" more for your sobriety ...  

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

Much love Aaron.

Love you, Aaron. Thanks so much for sharing the realities of what it's like. Too many times we imagine things that Hashem wants us to do must look different. That it should be smooth sailing with malochim singing and happy background music...but as I once read a wise person say, "The truly pivotal moments in a hero's success are almost never the ones apparent to the crowd." Meaning:

Your dedication to your own recovery might have become revealed and apparent when you left that mistaken AA meeting and proceeded into the SA meeting instead of retreating into the hills...but I think I know the true moment of success that led you to be the man who would do that - the man you are now:

The feeling that sunk into you one day, sitting right in your office or dining room just minutes or hours after sexually acting out and realizing, "I am a fraud, a shell." That life cannot go on like this. That - while change may not be possible - it was absolutely necessary. A healthy dose of hopelessness. Too many therapists are trained to eradicate that hopelessness...and that's a shame.

I know those quiet moments. The moments when we can be completely alone even in a crowd of people, or even while making love with our wives, learning with our children or chavrusas, or working with clients...and yet knowing the unbearable, sucky truth. It starts to scream at us. That terrible knowing that won't go away.

It's the shred of humility and honesty we have left that we cannot squash with even the most delicious porn or sex. 'The pintele addict'. 

But that day was and will always be just one day. And your first meeting was just one meeting. 

Today is here now and we have work to do.

At least now we all know there is no reason to do it alone, any more.

:o)

- Dov

Dov as always your words are spot on.

There was no malachim singing....just a petrified jew walking into the unknown.  

There was no other option as I tried all those (multiple times) and they didnt work...we cant run from ourselves or who we are.

I know in my heart the meeting is the first step and meeting the other guys...some go to meetings 3/4 times a week...which is really impressive but just not feasible for me.  


What's next for me?  Made it to two meetings in a row...have a charity event tonight that I can not miss (really not an excuse not to go)...strangely I really want to go to the meeting.

Start reading the Big Book?

Get a sponsor.?  Hands go up at the meeting of who is willing to be a sponsor...

Want this high (actually taking tangible steps)  to continue but can feel the challenges surround me....

Thanks for all the support...on-wards and upwards (to here and how)?

Nachshon

Assuming you're doing ok, old pal.

Either way, have a good day (whichever day you read this)

Wow its been so long since I last was on GYE...I hope you all are well...and fighting the good fight!

Not sure what the Thread of the Year headline is...assume someone nominated this one?

Where to pick up?

SA meetings are the only way to get healthy.  I feared them with a passion before actually going to my first one.  Thanks to Dov's gentle prodding...I went and am convinced its the only way to get healthy.

I wish I could report that after my first meeting in September of 2016 like the superhero in the movies its been a straight path to overcomming/fighting/winning (none of these terms are correct)....I had a great run and then stopped going (too busy with work).

Had another fall...(long story old GF reached out...hadnt seen her in years...bad streak...but kept my one red line intact).  Was in the throws of passion....multiple texts a day..pictures...etc (she is a model...not sure why I threw that in...just is)....was making plans to see her again...and thought again how crazy is this?

Told her I couldnt do this anymore...broke my hidden bottles (deleted Kik...and ignored my other "friends")

Got back on track going to meetings (found a new one that meets on the day I dont see patients) and am about to get my first 30 day chip.  I have never felt more alive....and for the first time in a long time believe I can beat this.  

Without going to meetings/reading the white book....having people in the program you can talk to...You have ZERO chance of beating this.
I still have desires and can feel them creep up on me at times...I go back to what will I feel like 30 seconds after ejaculation?
My next steps include finding a sponsor so i can really work the steps

Sorry for the rambling.....

Best

Nachshon

I hit Day 30....crazy thing is I dont miss (most of the time).

I cant wait to get my 30 Day chip at the next SA meeting.

The crazier thing is I actually look forward to going to my SA meeting.  I feared going more then death itself when I first started...see my previous post...now am disappointed if I miss a week.

For all those struggling that are addicts (am not sure where I fall in that continuum)...SA meeting are the only solution.

For me next steps...keep this streak going.  I pray everyday and thank God for the last day of soberness and ask for his help getting me to the next day.

I wonder what got me to this step (yes only 30 days) but just feels different this time...and I think what Dov said way back when...its about surrender.  Never really knew what or who I was surrendering to...its to myself.  Can no longer feel that sadness/emptiness after porn/masturbation or meeting a friend with benefits.  As soon as the act is over of the seaman hits the floor...deep sadness always washed over me.

Now I can think through this and imagine what it will feel like...and the trade is just not worth it.

Sorry for rambling....

On to Victory...or false bravado?

Shabbat Shalom

Nachshon

I'm happy for you.

I think your posts really demonstrate the issue with GYE and SA that can be seen between the lines in Dov's posts.

I think it also shows how quickly one's philosophy can change, and therefore how accessible this change is to anyone who wants it. From "I'm as worthwhile as my performance as a Jew" to "I'm as worthwhile as my performance as a 12-step man."

Wow, just read this thread from start to finish. Keep up the good work, wish you much success. It's amazing that you've kept your red line uncrossed with so many brushes with it. I've never understood how you did that. But kol hakavod, that's something you should really be proud of. 

Was just wondering, you mentioned your wife knowing something, how much does she know?

And do you have a filter? I kept thinking to myself while reading this thread how much I think you'd benefit from a strong filter. I know it helps me to do what I really want to, and that's to be and stay clean.