God has blessed me with so much...wife that is crazy about me...wonderful children...career that is going well...friends..etc.

Why can't I just control this part of me...why do I need this escape. Yes life is hectic...have 60 employees I am responsible for...but I love having the responsibility...I feel so weak and self loathing every time I slip. I feel as I am l giving god reasons to take away all that he has given me.

When The moment it is over...a wave of guilt/disgust washes over me....I tell myself I will stop...but in short order I return. I made a donation to GYE...before RH....as a hope that god will possibly forgive some of my sins. I go through starts and stops with cutting back...just seems like right after YK...desire and tests come at me. Feel like I keep getting these challenges...woman into my life...that weaken me. All my fault....not blaming anyone.

Need help...feel lost...not sure what else to do....going down the rabbit hole...need to keep trying...feel no matter what I will revert back.

Welcome Nachshon,

You're not alone. At GYE you will find many like-minded people dealing with this same issue. Different flavors, different colors, but same issue nevertheless. Have you carefully read the GYE handbook? It has many many ideas for all levels of this issue, and it has much chizuk to help you keep afloat.Just keep trucking, as the say. Don't give up. Try your best and let Hashem do the rest. Make proper fences to avoid sips of lust (i.e. guard your eyes and your thoughts). Take it one day at a time. Keep in touch with the chevra at GYE and hopefully you'll get the push that you need to keep you going.

Hatzlacha,

MT

Hello Nechshon, welcome to GYE, we're all in the same boat here.

The first step is that realization you have made, we cannot stop. period. It won't help much at this point to know why that is, just to know that that is the way it is.

What exactly are you struggling with? Porn? Masturbation? Both?

What have you done until now to try to stop yourself?

The Handbook is the best place to start.

See you around!!

Welcome to GYE!

Here's a good place to start.

We're looking forward to getting to know you better.

Welcome!

Nachshon wrote:



I will share with you what I have learned. I hope this does not sound harsh.

It is possible that God wants something from you and it is that He wants you to make Him central to your life. You might have an emotional hole in yourself that you are filling with lust. The way we know to "fix" that is by letting God into our life. Then He heals you.

Feel like I hit bottom yesterday...like a druggie strung out...not just porn in my life...old GF...that is available to me at any time...is a sick relationship...never accepted that I got married...have gone long periods with no contact and always feel sick after the fact...I rationalize this by never going all the way...going to make a real effort with GYE...nothing else has worked for me.

Regarding previous post...have god in my life now...give lots of Tzedakah...learn when I can...feel like he just keeps testing me with this and I keep failing.....

There are others here with similar stories, and they have come very far.

You're on the right track, look around and try internalizing what you read, and whatever happens, just KOT!!

welcome

b'hatzlachah

do you go back to her? it seemed somewhat from your post that she comes on to you? if the latter, are there ways to avoid it?

Thanks for the replies and the care...I really appreciate it.

These are feelings I have bottled up for so long.

I have no one I can talk to about this. I am always the strong one in relationships/community/ etc...people come to me with their problems...no one I can talk to about these horrible things I have done.

I wish I didn't have this burning desire to partake of these forbidden foods...I have gone weeks without it when I have binged and feel this overwhelming guilt...once that happens I stop for a while and then something triggers be back.

Ex GF...she pushes me...I can be strong for long periods of time and then a combination of stress/opportunity for me...I yield and feel horrible after the fact. I am not completely blameless...obviously. I have tried everything under the sun to get this to stop...not talking for months at a time...our lives are intermingled and impossible to completely shut out.

I am just a broken soul right now...binged...and feel in the dumps....of whether I will ever be able to beat this thing. Know someday will have to speak to my creator about this...my good deeds torah learning, and Tzedaks wont save me.

WHY CANT I STOP? I KNOW ITS WRONG

24 hours...I guess that's a start....

Thanks for listening.

I am sorry this is happening to you.

I think it's a very good sign that you are so sad about it, it means that you are indeed a tzadik at the core, you feel bad about doing the wrong thing.

Maybe you are not appreciating the things you have, maybe you just think you that you should appreciate them, but you don't actually get much out of them. What do you like about the frum life? How would you "sell" it to a non-frum Jew?

The good thing is that you now have many people to pick from to talk about these issues. Utilize the site and open up. Get out of isolation!

I want to commend you for opening up. That is always hard but it also is very helpful for you.

It sounds like you are just trying to suppress your urge and that is not working so well for you. I know I did that with P and M for many years and it got me nowhere. I made deals with myself and G-d and so on.

I can't respond to the particulars of your situation. For that maybe someone here can relate. You might also think about a Rav you trust and respect, someone involved with kids at risk who has experience helping people get out of relationships or therapist. I am sure there are ways to deal with this but you might not know all the strategies.

many of us here tried to white knuckle our way out of P and M and failed miserably at that. We just got worse as time went on. Those of us who are addicts need to be in control. Many of us are very successful professionally and are serious type A's. We tried to control because that is all we knew how to do. That did not work.

I do not know if you have the same issue as me but when I talked about bringing G-d into my life I did not mean to give more tzadaka or davening better. I mean changing our outlook on life.

I would suggest in the short term you think about trying to find someone with a new idea for you. Maybe try the GYE helpline guardyoureyes.com/component/content/article/46-gye-helplines

or even a someone you know.

I would also suggest that you think about trying the calls. They should be starting the week after yom tov. I put off starting the calls for a very long time and I know it can be scary to jump into this.


whatever you do may you have much hatzlacha.

Thank you all again for responding and offering your words of encouragement

I am through my binge (which usually involves another person...see previous posts)...am 48 hours clean and still feel disgusted by myself. I have been in this place before...where I can control for 3 weeks or so...until the urge comes flying back. For me is partially an escape from reality...I yearn for the thrill. Live a very high pressue life...job.etc. (not an excuse!)

Regarding Sparkys words...I am a Type A personality and never seek help. Would be very difficult to ask ayone for help...is Very against my nature. Couldn't speak to the Rabbi...he looks at me as someone he can rely on in the community...would feel horriable if I shattered that image.

Wife has a clue about my P issue...as have dropped hints about it... She is a wonderful person...and I have these tremendous pangs of pain that I am doing these things that hurt her (if she fully understood...or knew).

I like to believe I am better than this...do lots of good...there is this huge black mark on my soul!

I ask myself I have been trying for years to kick this...why will this time be differant? 49 hours...its a start...

What has happened in the past is in the past. It can't be changed.
What will happen in the future is not in our control right now either. It's in the future.
The only thing we can control is how we act right now, this moment.

Don't worry and dwell on what we can't control. Live now.