i have the same problem
i am really hoping someone can help

Welcome to GYE, Hahem Yazor!!!

Why not tell us about yourself in the "Introduce yourself" section, there's a lot to learn and every person is different.

Looking forward to see you more!!

I am chiming in a bit late. I will share what I learned in the program. One needs to make contact with G-d for Him to help us. The Big Book talks about people having a revelation of sorts that G-d is real. There is another way to see G-d which is more gradual. When I learned this I was told that as frum Jews we probobly wont have a revelation, because we "know" so much about G-d. However, we might not be living with that knowledge. To be helped by G-d we need to live in a world where we really see G-d in action.

wow. what a discussion.
i am new here- only signed up on friday. i have been looking around on this site to try to make some sense of what i am going through.
this thread has been a tremendous help to understanding what this whole thing is about.
thank you so much Nachshon for opening this window into your private world. From the first post of the thread I really was able to connect to what you are going through. while everyone has their own ways in which they are failing in these inyanim, the aspects of your public life realy reflects mine in so many ways. the feelings that you have been expressing has been a great expression of my own experiences.
reading through the entire 12 pages of posts in one sitting has been a tremndous experience. first of all to you Nachshon, although you might have been living this out over the course of several months i believe, as someone new who has seen the whole thing at one shot, it is amazing to see the advancement from the beginning of the post until this point.
as for myself it has been a tremnedous eye opener. On the one hand I realize that the road i am starting out on is going to be a long and hard one- longer and harder than i thought. on the other hand i see that it can be done and there is tremendous support and commradery from the rest of you guys.
i guess this is becoming my first post of what will probably be many.

Wow, you and the Hashem yazor guy! Two first-timers on the same page! Fantastico!

Unanuam and Hashem Yatzor....

Thank you for the kind words...I am really glad my private struggle can somehow benefit you. I have been in a bit of a funk lately....when I trace it back....I felt like I was making real progress....had progressed all the way to setting a meeting up with my sponsor...an idea which if you would have asked me six months ago....I would have rather asked to have my Liver removed (without anesthesia)than meet with a real life human being and admit to someone face to face the horrendous things I have done???? Unfortunately it didn't happen due to a scheduling conflict (not mine)....I was partially relieved and partially disappointed....but then I began to regress....I am not blaming anyone but myself....

My sponsor (don't really think that is the correct term)asked me just about every time I called or texted what my name is....had to be after the 6th or 7th time I finally expressed how hurtful that is....here I am pouring my heart out about things I never spoke to another living soul about...the least he could do is save my name in his contacts....I don't blame him...he is busy trying to help so many....and then I thought perhaps I am like the classic movie depiction of the orphan child waiting to be adopted...gets taken out by a perspective couple for an after noon (shown some attention)....and in his mind (mine) there is much more of a connection then reality dictates.

So I regressed....more P and M than anything worse (I did call my old friend...stopped short of meeting)...my new thing is...killing myself at work....responsibility is off the charts....dealing with employee issues...as much as I complain about work....thank god for the opportunity....if I get a rare 5 minutes to myself....not volunteering for school/tzedakah boards/kids/non stop work....why not enjoy it with a bit of P and M....of course feel horrendous afterwards....

Please don't say pray...I have asked god everyday to help me find the tools to finally beat this thing....either he's not listening...I am not hearing...or he is too busy focusing elsewhere!

What Next? Plan to join Dovs call after Pesach....other than that not sure....wish I was further along in this battle.

A Dejected Soul....

Nachshon

Sorry to hear about all that.

My humble suggestion: Do something today!

b'hatzlachah

Nachshon wrote:

he's always listening and never too busy

Cordnoy,

Excellant idea...just wish I know exactely what I should do...feel like I have been in a vicious loop....I cant break out of.

Kilochalu...I know that...just wish he was more obvious with the answers..I keep waiting for it.

Thanks...I appreciate the support....do feel a bit ruderless...will carry on.

Nachshon

I have been sayin' lately: Do somethin' a bit outta your comfort zone.....either an sa meetin', a readin' of da white book with a friend on phone...get a real sponsor...do somethin' that will really prevent you from triggerin' dat trigger....ultimately it's up to you....Go for it!

b'hatzlachah

hear is a thought: stop trying to stop.

i am going to go out on a limb and suggest that it is possible that someone can view asking God for help as a way of enabling them to stop/ be in control.

i am not in control. i need God to save me. I don't ask Him to save me because it is a tool to stop.

when I am powerless it means that i am powerless to use prayer to stop.

Dear Nachshon, I think I understand you, I was just in a place where I would have loved for the desire to go away, and if it was there then I wasn't interested in fighting it, so I fell for three days straight.

I was thinking to myself "is there anything you are willing to do? either in prevention or in action?" prevention meaning to stop myself, and action meaning to live more of real life in general and thereby minimizing the desire automatically.

There was one thing, and that was just taking my day into account, how much time I had free and how I could use it. That was what I was willing to do, by everyone it is probably different. But everyone has to do something by themselves.

We hurt for you, we feel your pain, but there is nothing, absolutely nothing anyone or anything in the world can do for without you doing something, and something that is a change, yourself. We can talk to you, type to you, tell you all about yourself, tell you everything you want to know, but in the end it all depends on whether or not you want to do it.

I think it would be mean to say that you have two choices 1) to be comfortably uncomfortable or 2) to uncomfortably comfortable, so I'm not going to say that, but that's where it's at, there are no easy switches, it'll take something uncomfortable to get comfortable.

A fellow struggler, not a struggler with lust, but a struggler with what he really wants.

Asking G-d and being close to G-d is all very nice, and truly the answer is ultimately only one thing: My relationship with my very own real G-d.

But that having been said, there is a huge gap here. For there is no way to make honest contact with G-d for most of us in our addiction. We spend years hiding and faking and secretly masturbating ourselves, porning, etc, and ll the while maintaining our 'real identity' in front off all those around us. And we expect that our calling out to G-d privately will be real enough?!

Rabban Yochanan ben Zakai clarified to his students (who were tanno'im!) that we do not take G-d nearly as seriously as we take people. This needs to be faced - all religiosity and sweet mussar notwithstanding.

If calling out to G-d is working for one, then fine. But if not, then it is surely because G-d is just not nearly as real as people are - and that is clearly why he is choosing to just call out to G-d!

Please. Reach out to real people who are sober and in recovery who you can meet and get to know. Spend time with real recovering people.

And while you are at it, please consider clarifying over and over here on GYE precisely what your struggle is, what brought you here, your bottom line habits and problems using sex and lust, exactly what you mean by your 'falling' or struggling or losing. In other words, exactly what you do when you act your lust out and why it bothers you so much. Now, if you (or the crowd here) prefers you do not do that, then fine. I understand, too. But at least then reach out to more real live people who do understand and are clean, than you presently are.

Hatzlocha and Kosher sweet Pesach, amigo!

Hi All,

Sorry for going MIA....life has been hectic. Plus I just didn't feel like posting and admitting my slip down the mountain. Felt like I was making real progress but last several weeks have been bad. Regarding Dov's last message....what I mean by bad is more porn and masturbation than anything. I have done a lot worse in the past....meeting other people...etc.

For me life/work so crazy...I rationalize....if I can get 5 minutes to myself and watch a bit of porn...orgasm...did I really hurt anyone. Aren't I a good enough Jew that I can deserve a bit of pleasure. Of course I realize (mostly) the fallacy of this argument....but that's after I squeezed one out.

I did speak to my old friend a couple of times...made plans to get together...but thankfully we didn't...I pulled out....trying hard not to go down that rabbit hole.

I go through starts and stops of trying to fight....been on a bad streak as I mentioned above...feel horribly low right now. Feel like things going wrong at work/potential health issue and this is gods punishment/wake up call to me?

I did speak to my sponsor (not sure correct term) as we speak pretty un-often and usually after I hit a bad streak....no real accountability....that perhaps the only solution is going to an SA meeting...hate the thought of it and tremble at the vision of walking through those doors. Nothing else has worked...maybe time to bite the bullet?

He is looking into programs near my house....baby step towards diving in....FRIGHTENING!

Beaten down soul right now....feel like crying....not even sure why...overwhelming sadness that this is still my reality.

Oy my buddy. I feel for you and feel your pain.
I don't think you are right in saying that this is still your reality.
Just because someone's hands and legs grow with him since he is a child and until he reaches adulthood, does that mean that the reality of his limbs are the same when he is 50 as when he was 2? the legs are the same legs but they have abilities to do different things. they have different strengths than they did when they were 2 years old. While the two year old had to put in so much effort just to walk or put the spoon in his mouth, the fifty year old has different challenges. same body but hard to say that it is the same reality.
You my friend, have grown so much since you first started this thread. you have come a long way. Yes some things are the same but you can't say that this is still your reality. Your reality has changed. Look at what you wrote- you backed out of the meeting. making the plans to meet what the falling. not the meeting itself.
Now go back and read the beginning of the thread. is that the same reality as now?
I just remembered a story, sort of connected if you can get my point. Chazal say that if someone doesn't see a siman bracha in their learning after five years they won't see one. I think the story goes that someone came to the steipler ir yibadel lecahim tovim Rab Chaim, and said that after five years of learning he has nothing to show for it. all he knows are a few mishnayos. perhaps he should give up as per this chazal.
The Gadol's reply was that five years ago did you know those mishnayos? if not, and you know them now, that most certainly is a siman bracha.
so there you have it. it's not the quantity that matters. it's the direction.
keep your chin up. cry it all out and get back on the horse (or truck)