Keep counting hours, it'll keep you focused on the here and now.

All you need to make this time the time, is a plan.Figure out what you're going to do when life gets stressful and you get the urge.

Keep coming here, there's a lot to learn.

Hatzlacha!

You are a better person than that and you have the potential to improve.

I am wondering how would you respond to a close friend who confided in you that he was doing the kinds of things you are doing?

Thank you again for those that have reached out to help me.

72 hours and going...I have been in this place in the past...after a binge with another person...I get so mad at myself...and the Yetzer hara has beaten me so severely that he leaves me alone for a while...until it comes flooding back in a couple of weeks...triggered by other people, or P. I have no one to blame but myself for the other people in my life...I have tried to distance myself but at times I have welcomed them back in.

I am very alpha and out going...some sick need in me for the chase which I love...at times can get carried too far...than hard to untangle.

I have spent some time on the site...I wish I had time for more...just seems so overwhelming...not exactly sure where to begin...did read the guide a few months ago...will have to look at it again...message boards seems helpful...just wish there was an "Easy" button to press...and delve deeply into the matter...find the pill for me (I know not that simple) and will require hard work...just not sure I have found the medicine for me yet on this site. The good news is I am heading up the mountain as opposed to my usual spot in the valley of self loathing.

Sorry for rambling...as I said thanks again..

Chag Samach to all.

maybe try the GYE hotline. It is anonymous.

One of the Yetzer hara's best tricks is to try and to get us to beat up on ourselves. Then we are more prone to fall again.

There is a difference between guilt and regret. Hashem wants regret the YH wants guilt.

I recall reading that people who are driven to succeed are thrill seekers.

One of the things that many of us have found is that we use P and M to help us hide from our feelings. We don't have to feel when we are using P and M. For many the work that helped was learning how to feel, share, trust.

Good Yom Tov

One massive step for me was to accept where I am. What I did, why I did it, etc. is not relevant right now. The point is that I am now a Human who is going to have urges to do things I know are wrong, yet I want them more than anything.

After realizing that I was able to deal with it, instead of trying to hide it, which obviously didn't work.

I learned how to see what triggered those urges (seeing things, feelings stressed for whatever reason, feeling empty) and learned how to "surrender" (in quotations 'cause it needs to be understood correctly).

So blaming isn't going to get me anywhere, it won't change the past or the future. I need to accept the situation I am in now, and learn how to deal with it.

Hatzlacha Rabbah!!

Stick around!

Nachson my friend where are you? how are you doing? we are worried about you.

Reb Nachshon,
I can honestly tell you that everyone on GYE cares about you and davens for your success. I daven for everyone here and truly feel your pain especially since your story almost mirrors mine. Busy life, successful, respected, wonderful family and deep dark secret. I almost cried reading your story.
Allow me to share what helps me.
I signed up for an anonymous partner who happened t be a wonderful person. I was too spooked to actually speak to him, so we just did email at first. Of course I made an anonymous email for GYE communications.
My partner eventually convinced me to speak on the telephone. I got over my fear and what a difference it makes to have someone to talk to when in crisis and I feel the hook of the Yetzer Hara in me.
My partner convinced me to join a telephone conference with Duvid Chaim which was the best move of my life. B"H, I did not recognize any voices. I only dialed in and listened for the first few times until I was sure I did not recognize any voices. I made some great friends on the call because some more experienced GYE'ers share their phone numbers and invite people to call them for chizzuk.
Duvid Chaim got me a sponsor who I can also call for help whenever I want to.
I now have a network of people to speak to.
I am still a bit spooked about my identity so I use Skype to call people. With Skype, you can call a telephone number using wi-fi so you are untraceable.
As I am feeling more comfortable, i have given out my number to people I met here and have spoken to them.
I would be delighted to have a chat with you where we could share some experiences and I can answer any questions you have and help you pick from the smorgasbord of options that GYE has to offer.
if you wish, email me at pischoshelmachat@gmail.com anytime. I get it right to my phone 24/6.
I know how you feel and really care to help you. Keep in mind..that you are never bothering me because I probably get more chizzuk from speaking with you.
All the very best to you dear brother!

You have to avoid any contact with the ex girlfriend, she sounds toxic.
There is a reason she is your "Ex".
Something about her was not right for you.

That is just from my experience, not anything to do with religion.

And whatever she gave you that you might be missing with your wife (excitement in sex, laughs etc) then try to create with your wife. I apologise if things are great with your wife, but maybe you think of her as a wife not a lover, and she thinks the same?

Have a date night once a week. Your children to be somewhere else.

I want to start off by apologizing for disappearing

It is 2 fold....I got even crazier at work....a tremendous amount of responsibility. I had a mini run of clean 2 weeks...and then things got bad again. I was embarrassed to post. You have all been so encouraging and I failed again. It is just so not like me to put a challenge in front of myself and fail. By posting it forces me to acknowledge my weakness and it makes me feel even worse.

MB has become a release valve for me. The stress I am under (although I complain about it...I am thankful I have this opportunity)...can get overwhelming. It is the first time in my life I have ever felt this way. As I mentioned in previous posts...as much as I want to reach out and discuss with someone...I just can't bring myself to do it...would shatter so many people's view of me. I am the problem solver...not someone with problems.

On the positive side..god this sounds horrible...have stayed away from others....and relegated to just P. can be very difficult challenge when all it takes is a phone call for Ex....strings free. Where do I go from here..is this A life long challenge I can't overcome? Seems like I am heading down that path...not surrendering but am discouraged.

I have always been of the belief...in my life put enough effort at anything and I will succeed..lt has worked in all other aspects...why not here???

For those that have made it to the other side...what is the secret sauce I am missing? Am I such a weak person that I can't do it? God has given me so much...why can't I overcome this horrible secret?

A tortured soul....marches on

pischoshelmachat...thank you for the kind posting...gives me hope that I can do what you have accomplished.

I hope to work up the courage...or more importantly let go of my ego and reach out for you.

similarities are striking

p and m for many years
old gf...kind of
solving problems, etc.

I said good bye to the p and m
haven't been that route for 200 days

140 days said good bye to gf with a break of three or weeks
now I said good bye, for I need to work on my marriage

didn't say final
but need to do this now

b'hatzlachah

Nachshon wrote:
I relate very well to what you have written. I am well respected and well liked. I have drive and can accomplish most of what I set my heart on, yet I could not control searching for pornography and masturbation. Trust me, I tried. It was the one area, I just had (almost) no control over.

A turning point in my recovery was being able to say I have a problem. Admitting that I don't have all the answers. Turning to others for help. Letting go of my need to "understand" everything and instead just do what has been helping others to recover.

I was always trying to appear perfect, and I did to many people. But I became much happier when I was able to admit my faults, and let go of my need to be/appear perfect. I was terrified.

I have come to accept myself as I am (to an extent), and that is so much easier than trying to live up to the way I want others to view me. I still need to strive, but not because I'm afraid of how I will be perceived. Not even by Hashem . I know he loves me no matter what.

He knows my problems. He created me with most of them.

I know it is hard. I've been there. (It still is hard sometimes, but they are fewer and farther between, and generally less intense)

Boy, I've been rambling a lot lately.

Hatzlacha!

Oh, and if you do struggle with perfectionism, I highly recommend Dr Sorotzkin's articles and audio. The link to his website is in my signature.

Until about 100 days ago, I used porn and masturbation as a means of escaping from any pressure that I just couldn't handle anywhere. When I realized that all of the pressure in the world could not detract from the fact that I have a great Eshe Chayil who is so emotionally supportive and intimate, a great family and grandchildren, then I realized that porn and masturbation were really poor subsitutes for a great reality and enhanced physical intimacy.

A realization finally hit me...it is both devastating and uplifting. I can't beat this alone. There I said it. I have never said those words in any aspect of my life EVER. My philosophy is keep pushing harder in any challenge and I have the physical and mental stamina to beat/win. This has held true for me...in business and in life.

At times I have toyed with the idea is what's the big deal...I am a good Jew...give loads of Tzedakah, go to minyan most days...help people, well respected...learn a bit of Torah....what's the big deal if I steal away a few minutes for myself to relieve the pressure of responsibility for so many others.

At times I have taken things too far with others I have met...and the line of what I accept as okay get stretched. Furthest that's gone is as long as I don't go all the way I am okay. Have been darn close...and then I snap back to reality. I usually feel horrible break all contact and then a few weeks later the cycle starts again.

I have one destructive relationship that is so difficult to break...I am trying to limit contact...but is such an easy trigger when its a simple phone call away. I am digressing from my main point.

I am now ready to face the shame and humiliation to accept I can not do this alone. I am reaching out to my fellow Jews...someone that can relate and help get this tortured soul off this terrible things I have done for so long. I would be most grateful.

Coming out of the shadows for the first time...hope it's not as scary as I imagine it to be...

WOW! You are really taking steps in the right direction. AMAZING! Keep taking steps one at a time... We are here for you.